TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG - ComedyOpenMic - Round 22

Characters

MICHAEL
JULIE

(At rise, MICHAEL sets wine glasses down on a table. There is a knock at the door. MICHAEL opens the door. JULIE enters.)

MICHAEL
Hi, Julie.

JULIE
(Smiling) Hello, Michael.

MICHAEL
You look beautiful.

JULIE
Thank you.

MICHAEL
Come in. Let me take your coat.

JULIE
Thanks.

(MICHAEL takes her coat and puts it on a chair.)

JULIE (cont'd)
I really like your place.

MICHAEL
Thanks. It's still a work in progress. Can I get you a glass of wine?

JULIE
That would be great. Would you mind if I used your restroom? I want to freshen up a bit.

MICHAEL
(Pointing offstage) It's right back there.

JULIE
Thanks.

(JULIE exits. As MICHAEL pours two glasses of wine, we hear sobbing offstage. JULIE reenters, smiling, and takes a seat.)

MICHAEL
Is everything OK?

JULIE
Yeah, why?

MICHAEL
Oh, because I heard--

JULIE
What are we having for dinner?

MICHAEL
Crab and lobster lasagna.

JULIE
Sounds delicious.

MICHAEL
I've made it once before and it turned out really well. I even rolled the pasta sheets by hand.

JULIE
Homemade pasta? It must've taken you all day. You shouldn't have gone through all that trouble for me.

MICHAEL
It was no trouble. I wanted to make you a nice dinner.

JULIE
You're sweet.
(Pause)
You know, I left my lipstick in the bathroom. I'll be right back.

MICHAEL
OK.

(JULIE exits. Louder sobbing comes from offstage. JULIE returns, smiling, and sits down.)

JULIE
So, you were saying about the pasta?

MICHAEL
Julie, I...is something wrong?

JULIE
What could be wrong?

MICHAEL
You tell me.

JULIE
What?

MICHAEL
You feel comfortable here, right? I know we've only been dating for a few months, but--

JULIE
Of course I do, Honey. Things have been going great, and I really like your place.

MICHAEL
You're sure?

JULIE
Of course.

MICHAEL
OK.

JULIE
Now, tell me how you prepared the dinner.

MICHAEL
Well, it was pretty easy except for the pasta--

JULIE
Oops, that's my phone buzzing in my purse. Will you excuse me for a minute?

MICHAEL
Wait!

JULIE
What?

MICHAEL
Um...nothing.

JULIE
I'll be right back.

(JULIE exits.)

JULIE (offstage)
(sobbing) Why won't he call me back? (sobbing) I can't go on like this. (sobbing) I've left message after message. (sobbing) How could he dump me for her? What did I do? (sniff) OK...OK...I know, you're right (sobbing) OK...Bye.

(JULIE enters again, smiling)

JULIE
Sorry.

MICHAEL
Who were you talking to?

JULIE
Work.

MICHAEL
Work? What the hell is going on?

JULIE
(taking a sip of wine) What?

MICHAEL
What do you mean, what? I can hear you crying in my bathroom.

JULIE
What crying? You're not serious, are you?

MICHAEL
I can hear you! I'm standing here, pouring wine, preparing dinner, and I can hear you crying your eyes out on the phone! What's going on?

JULIE
Michael, that is the silliest thing I've ever heard. Why are you trying to ruin dinner?

MICHAEL
Me? I'm not the one who's--

JULIE
Michael! Listen to me: things are great. What do I have to do to prove it to you?

MICHAEL
You can start by being honest with me.

JULIE
All right. I'll be honest. I'll be very honest. I wanted to wait to tell you this, but I'm going to say it now. I love you, Michael. I really love you.

MICHAEL
You...you do?

JULIE
Yes. I didn't want to tell you this way, but I do.

MICHAEL
I...don't know what to say.

JULIE
You could say you love me too.

MICHAEL
Oh Julie, you know I love you. I've loved you since the moment I saw you.

JULIE
Me too. There, do you feel better now?

MICHAEL
Well...yeah.

JULIE
Great. Now let's just relax, have a nice dinner, and put aside all negative thoughts. I want to give myself to you, Michael.

MICHAEL
Really?

JULIE
All of me. What do you think about that?

MICHAEL
What do I think? I think it's--

JULIE
And we'll start right after I answer my phone. I'll tell you: work is such a pain.

MICHAEL
Julie! Don't go.

JULIE
Why not?

MICHAEL
I don't know.

JULIE
You are so silly, but that's what I love about you.

(JULIE exits.)

JULIE (offstage)
Hello? Jason! You called! Really? (sobbing) Oh, Dearest! That makes me so happy! You do love me! Let's never be apart again. OK, I'll be right over.

(JULIE enters and walks across the stage to where she first entered.)

MICHAEL
Where are you going?

JULIE
Oh, I just have to get something out of my car. I packed an overnight bag. (Winks at MICHAEL).

MICHAEL
Your car?

JULIE
Yes. Why do you look so worried? I'll be right back and then we'll have that delicious dinner you prepared, and then you can have me for dessert.

MICHAEL
But--

JULIE
I'll be right back, I promise.

MICHAEL
OK.

(JULIE exits. A few beats, then sounds of a car starting and wheels peeling away. MICHAEL sits at the table. Slow fade.)

END OF PLAY

I nominate @kat1977 and @hodgetwins.