my sixth divorce

I had a pretty bleak week. I wish it was cold and beautiful like my memory here of Lake Winnipesaukee. Instead, it was another gorgeous December in Los Angeles and I was confounded by an invisible dark cloud.

Another family let me know of changes that will affect my teaching schedule with the new year. Divorce. My student could tell I was taken by surprise and was saddened by the news that she assured me she was okay and will be fine with the transitions coming. I was sad because I liked her parents a lot. They are mindful partners at raising her.

Sadly, this was not the only divorce I was going through with my students this year. This was my 6th divorce for the year. I've not had this many divorces during the whole of my teaching practice.

I had a fever for an hour last night. I still have a tummy ache.

M. called me for his weekly check on his best friend call tonight and told me I was being too sensitive. Divorce is part of modern relationships. You leave when people change and that everyone is happy and "chill" to evolve into new lives. I'm not convinced. I have a couple of parents making conscious decisions to shield their children from unnecessary pain and fear from the changes that come from divorce. Piano lessons are helping with continuity. I'm seeing a different maturity from my students.

Student: "I prefer to work on a sad piece."

Miss JNET: "Do you know what the German lyrics to this piece that you chose translate? It's about saying goodbye to a dear friend who's about to leave for a journey that you're both not sure they can return from."

Student: "That's deep."

Student 2: (Pensively staring in space at piano bench)

Miss JNET: "Are you alright? What's going through your mind?"

Student 2: (Big sigh)"Life......death.....music......"

Miss JNET: "Deep stuff...."

While my older students are able to work through their emotions with music, the really young students falter. They look at the notes newly confused and seem to not trust how to proceed. I've seen promising youngsters detach and float away. A former student no longer touches her piano and is working her aggression through a myriad of sports. Music is too raw for her to express herself. She's stopped being the carefree expressive little girl she was. Her mom misses her.

When does this chill happy evolution come?

M. told me my ideals are too conservative and that I needed to get with the times. Swipe right; there are more possibilities at happiness and that it's old thinking to stay and fix things. I got annoyed by his nonchalance. He didn't help me feel less sad and my tummy ache felt worse.

M. experiences his divorce stories after the fact and in a neutral environment. I find myself at ground zero witnessing family life. I may celebrate happy things like a new sibling or a brand new kitten or puppy in the house. Rites of passages like graduations, first concerts, and first crushes. But I also know when the families deal with illness, decide when they have to put a loved pet to rest, and choose to end marriages.

I don't know why it took six divorces til I felt very sad. Maybe because it's the holiday season and I see how these changes pronounce themselves. I'm going to homes where the piano room was traditionally festive and decorated now absent of holiday cheer. I don't know how it is for the families that chose to drop piano due to divorce complications. Will they also skip having Christmas trees and hosting parties?

Those I still teach, are making best of the changes and using music to work through their emotions. The missing holiday rhythms of tradition is a disruption that just have to play through.

That's life.....death....music....

JNET