What suicidal depression feels like
This post is going to be pretty dark. Everyday, from the time I was five on some level I’ve felt like I don’t want to be a part of this world and wanted to kill myself.
Some people might call that suicidally depressed but I’ve never had time for that. Never had time for doctors, weird medications or what their side effects would be, time to give in in anyway to the feeling that my brain has turned against me and my body, just due to the life I’ve had there’s a sense of grit and foolish pride that drags me through everyday. This is really the longest I’ve thought or talked about it.
There’s a part of me, when I hear about the Las Vegas killer, or Chester Bennington Chris Cornell, I get it. I’m not one of those dickheads that thinks mass killers are heroes. They’re pieces of shit and I’ll get into that later.
The thing I think people don’t get is suicide isn’t about killing yourself. It’s about starting new, a clean slate. To forget your troubles, and finally drop the burdens. These things aren’t like diseases, they don’t go away over time. Imagine living years of your life like this. Then all the other stuff life throws at you. Pathological liars, hateful people, stupid people, toxic people, greedy people, nasty people, annoying people, things are breaking and it’s a 24/7 inescapable assault on your senses.
Even when you try to get as far away as possible, shut off everything, put your head down and work these parasites worm their way back into your field of view.
You’d eventually just want some silence, a release. You don’t expect things to get better, you just want it to stop getting worse. Living is so undesirable you’d take nothing over it.
I was never bullied as a kid, hell I was starting the fights but I always understood the spree shooter. All this psychological abuse and torture people inflict on each other, every day, and like I said you want a way out, you know if you just take yourself out that they are going to do the usual song and dance. Fake condolences and pretend they are in no way responsible to the deterioration of your condition. Use it for their own purposes. No, you have to be very specific about this. They probably wouldn’t read a note or share a statement of intent but nobody is getting confused about the guy mowing everybody down in public. You, at least know he was sick of these people, dude was pissed off about SOMETHING. That's all you need. Not fame, or a fancy legacy, you just don't want them to profit from it. There’s a hopelessness that permeates everything in this world to the point where none of it matters.
It doesn’t matter what condition your family finds you in, what atrocity you committed whether it’s hanging in a hotel room with a thumb up your ass and the other jerking off, or having committed the holocaust. Imagine just wanting the pain to be over you feel that way about what the people that love you the most’s last memories of you would be?
It’s messed up to to admit every act of “heroism” I’ve had in my life is tarnished by the fact that the entire time I wanted to die. That philantropy and death seeking sociopathy share the same genetic branch. You didn’t run into that burning building, or dive into raging rapids, or stand up to those people because you really care about human life and the human condition. You just don’t give a shit and saw an opportunity. You were hoping for failure and they disappointed you. People actually think what you did is admirable. Consequences only matter in a world where they will be realized and you care.
That rush, the endorphin spike might be the only time you feel anything close to good. The other parts that felt alive are long dead.
But realistically I don’t have time to worry about any of this shit. Aint got no money for psychs, (medically prescribed)drugs are out of the question, and I gotta hustle up to pay another set of bills. Release and shill some more music get people to check out my apps hopefully the patreon because if this entrepreneur thing don’t work out and I end up having to work around people again then it’s VERY likely I’ll end up going off the deep end.
Odds are if you’re reading this you now know something more about me than any person I know in real life does.