Writing about not writing.
“I seek strength, not to be greater than other, but to fight my greatest enemy, the doubts within myself” - P.C. Cast
Sometimes I get so caught up in my head about writing and which one, of the million contemplations bouncing around upstairs I wish to share on any given day, that I tangle myself up internally to a point of not even being able to write at all.
How crazy is that?! I will walk around doing other things and have endless ideas to express, but the second I sit down in front of the screen it all seems to freeze within me. Like I have forgotten how to write or something like that. Interestingly enough, I often find the same thing with creating art.
I have so many visual ideas and concepts rolling around in my head but when I actually place myself in front of the tablet or physical canvas - I can’t seem to go any further. It is not like the ideas are gone or anything like that, no - it is more like I completely lose sight or faith rather, in my ability to actually carry the task through to completion… a little like stage fright I suppose.
“Writing is finally about one thing: going into a room alone and doing it. Putting words on paper that have never been there in quite that way before. And although you are physically by yourself, the haunting Demon never leaves you, that Demon being the knowledge of your own terrible limitations, your hopeless inadequacy, the impossibility of ever getting it right. No matter how diamond-bright your ideas are dancing in your brain, on paper they are earthbound.”
― William Goldman
These little “phases” always pass, and I eventually find my way back to a natural swing and flow of things, but I just find it utterly bizarre to be honest, because when I do get back to the “doing”, it all comes so naturally again that I cannot really understand why I even got stuck in the first place.
The same thing happens with responding to people. Sometimes I can write entire post length comments to people with enormous ease, and other days I cannot even bring myself to open the notifications section to see the comments.
I do realise that this has something to do with me internally - clearly on a deeper emotional or psychological level, but I am just not sure where it actually stems from or why. I know I have self esteem issues and I guess it seems pretty obvious that behaviour like this would point to that aspect of myself.
“Our doubts are traitors,
and make us lose the good we oft might win,
by fearing to attempt.”
― William Shakespeare
I cannot help but wonder though - where does such a deeply seated lack of self belief come from. I know that I am not alone in this sort of behaviour, in fact I would go as far as to say that there is a pretty large portion of my generation that experiences similar levels of doubt about themselves and their abilities - and yet, most (from the ones who I know personally) are some of the most capable individuals I have ever met.
There is an art quote by Vincent Van Gogh which this brings to mind - ““If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint', then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.” and these words are so incredibly true it is laughable… but when that lack of self belief blankets me, I am completely stifled and even though I can hear those words in my head - that simple step it takes begin moving forward, seems completely impossible.
So until I manage to figure it all out - here I am, writing about not writing, because some kind of start is better than no start at all. It is like the child in me is petrified of failure, judgement or both and simply refuses to come out of her cave, but the adult in me knows better and has to go through the process of gently nudging her in the right direction.
I suppose identifying and slowly conquering things like this is all a part of the healing process really, isn’t is?!
“You do not need to pay attention to those voices within you that create pain, or make you feel less competent, smart or able.” - Sanaya Roman
❤❤❤
Until next time...
Much Love from Country Bumpkinland, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea
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I don't doubt myself or suffer from a lack of self-esteem perhaps because I always fought to be me no matter how much harm and violence I faced?
Many ideas, stories is what my mind is filled with and what I wake up with. I know I write different if still in bed and at times I wish the stories in my head could be read and printed on paper instead of me typing.
I worked with 'dragon' for several years but once I speak the written word differs from what I would have typed.
Can it be we are from a generation where one was forced always to be productive and successful, while our voices, dreams, hopes and wishes were silenced?
Just follow Vincent (to me it's freewriting) and you'll be fine. Creativity is a great tool to create beauty out of chaos.
🍀❤️
I would say that this probably has a lot to do with it.
I can relate to this acutely, yet strangely - its not that I am conscious of any level of doubt... just that everything seems to sort of "freeze" sometimes.
Truer words were never written xxx
Feeling overwhelmed by possibilities is definitely a real thing. Happens all the time, right here in my head.
I think it's your/our nature, more than self-esteem. Dunno. Maybe not.
I've told you about "pancake creativity," yes? I "write" most of my best stuff while cooking... flipping pancakes, kneading dough, making frikadels. Phone nearby, voice to text when an idea strikes. Save and polish up later.
I hate sitting in front of a blank screen, feeling like I "have to" write. I think it might be a trauma response of sorts... don't tell me what to do!
Just thinking out loud...
Good to know I am not alone, in that respect :)
Yes!!! and I WANT to implement that method, but that in itself presents another mountain for me lol - I dont want to listen to myself speak and also if there is anyone else around at the time I am going to freeze and just not do it.
Clearly I need to either get over myself or find some kind of "workaround" that works for me and my truck load of insecurities haha!
I do think you may be on to something there. I do feel that.
"You HAVE to write".
I hate that feeling!
Takes me back to being a kid, when my mom would start screaming at me to clean my hamsters cage. Nine out of ten times I had every intention of doing it, but when she bellowed it - I just rejected it with everything in me and refused point blank. haha.
Thank you. Never stop!
Well... I often stop while on the way from hither to yon, pull off in a quiet spot on the road. I may look like a responsible citizen who pulled off to take a call on my mobile, but I'm actually telling a story. Nobody knows the difference.
I know that "freezing" thing. There are lots of things I don't do if there's an "audience."
Maybe we had the same mom... mine would also scream at me about cleaning my hamster's cage... and about my room being messy, in general.
haha!! Same same!
Insecurity sucks doesn't it!
lol, I think almost all moms have had to go through the hamster stage lol. I REFUSED point blank when Jude asked because I knew exactly who was going to end up cleaning the damn thing :D
He also asked for a snake. HELL NO!
He had one gold fish which died and I replaced... which he noticed. epic fail haha!
Eventually he decided on a garden snail which he actually kept alive and happy for quite some time haha!
Now, he has a dog and I can breathe a sigh of relief that the "I want that as a pet" stage is long gone, lol
The "progression" of pets you've gone through with Jude made me chuckle!
Mostly, I just wanted a cat. But that was a total no-no... at all times. Both my parents thought cats to be loathsome creatures. My mom eventually "compromised" when I was a teenager and we had a dog, mostly because she wanted a dog.
Which was a lovely illustration of my entire childhood and upbringing. It was a "democracy" in which I was asked my opinion, and then we got what my mom wanted, LOL!
hahahaha!!! The good 'ol days when kids had no choice, lol
This post has received a 100.0 % upvote from @boomerang.
Thank you @boomerang <3
Better to write about not writing than to talk and say nothing... ;-))
Wise words indeed! I know way too many people that just never stop talking and yet... ;)
The worst enemy is the enemy within: very good piece
Indeed it is, and thank you Jeff. Much appreciated! xxx