The Beginning of The End

Like any good story - this one starts at a standstill. Thats how I would describe my life right now - standing still. I'd like to believe that at any moment the momentum will change, like somehow my life is an olympic track runner standing at the gate. I'd like to think I am just like an eminent chess player - weighing out her options before proclaiming "check mate!" But maybe I am just playing checkers...

It hasn't always been this way (the rut*). I've spent the better part of the past ten years striving to learn new things, and even devoted 14 months to learning how to reverse cancer. I've instructed ski lessons to the blind, hiked in the Himalayas, conquered fears, snuck back stage, made peace with enemies, attended parties on rooftops and on mountaintops @ 13,000ft. I've howled at the moon, sang to the ocean, navigated wild affairs and long term relationships. There was even a time when I was followed by a social security agent. So I speak honestly when I say that, for being on this earth for less than 30 years, I sleep better at night knowing that I've packed a lot in.

Don't get me wrong - there were lows along with those highs (thats usually how it goes). I tripped and fell and certainly got lost along the way. But mostly things were good. I worked hard and applied myself and took pride in the friends that I've made and the adventures that I took.

...And then, the rains came.

It all happened rather quickly really (faster than I would have hoped for even my worst enemy). But the storms came both literally and figuratively and my house flooded and everything fell apart - my engagement, my graduate degree, this whole beautifully daring ballad I'd been singing (rather loudly, mind you) seemed to crumble right in front of my eyes.

So I moved back home with little more than a broken heart and a couple hundred bucks. (I do need to add here that I had family, and family support, and after living in a city with a seemingly high homeless population, it seems that is a lot more than some people can say, and so for that I am incredibly grateful.)

Anyways - There was complete disarray, both internally and externally as it was the beginning of 2016 and it seemed like the whole country (if not the entire globe) was in a state of absolute chaos. (I certainly heard about more violence than ever before.)

And aside from the world spinning out of control, there was the (to be expected) "Is this what it looks like!?" normal confusion of my late twenties that I, along with most all of my support system, was dealing with.

The "How will I make rent and afford groceries this month?"
The "Will I ever date again?"
The "Does he like?"
The "Do I even like him?"
The "Is there something better out there?"
The "Theres got to be something better out there."

And, don't get me wrong, there were The "I am fortunate for what I've got" moments right alongside The "How am I gonna make it through the week!?" and The "Thank god its Friday!"

And then (when I really want to get deep with it) there is
The "What will I look like when I'm old?"
The "Will I ever repair my relationship with my father?"
The "Am I a bitch?"
The "Do my friends like me?" and The "Do I like me?" deeper insecurities that are hard to admit verbally but seemingly easier to type...

Which brings me to back to the larger topic at hand: Steemit and the self righteous journey I hope to go on while I try to make sense of the events of my life while relaying them in anything but chronological order to complete strangers.*

So - this is the beginning.

I promise I'll add in some self reflection that borders on self help (I have devoted a fair amount of time to studying yoga and meditation after all) and even through in some instructions on how to meditate (or at least pretend like you do) and hope these entries provide some sort of catharsis. Thanks for tuning in!

Until next time -
Jane Loe

*More on that later