Why are children today so disrespectful?

We tolerate behaviors in children that we would never accept in a partner or friend

One of the first things we teach in our taekwondo school are the principles of taekwondo, which are virtues that are practiced and according to which one lives. Respect is one of the most important. Maintaining eye contact, having a respectful posture, saying "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am" and bowing before entering and leaving the tatami are lessons taught from the first day.

Older students can resist the signs of respect, but the younger ones absorb them like a sponge. When a teacher addresses them by telling them seriously and expecting a serious response, they are happy to reciprocate. Treating them with respect predisposes students of all ages to respond in the same way.

I could not help but think about this when I read this interview with Dr. Leonard Sax about his new book, The Collapse of Parenting. When asked what the book is about, he answered the following:

The transfer of authority from parents to children. I think we should treat children like adults. I think we should expect them to be mature and know how to behave, and I think that is what it means to treat someone like a mature person, among other things, although the phrase 'treating someone like a mature person' is ambiguous.

It is not about the abdication of authority

I often think that our society is largely complicit, to its shame, of the plummeting quality of the norms of children's behavior. We tolerate behaviors in children that we would never tolerate in a partner or friend, because we do not want to interfere in someone else's education. Or, in the case that they are our own children, because we do not want to be authoritarian or because our style is a positive reinforcement or even because we simply do not know what to do. However, in all cases it is the children who are harmed.

Dr. Sax explained that it is common for children as young as 10 to have access to their own mobile phones at any time of the day and night. This is something that the American Academy of Pediatrics notices, although parents find it impossible to follow the recommendation. They have the feeling that "they do not have authority over their children in many areas".

Let's compare that with another official recommendation echoed by Dr. Sax, that of having a family meal every day free of distractions. It is difficult to apply with teenagers, accustomed to hurried meals and urgent matters, with one or both parents distracted by emails or phone calls or messages. Parents find many difficulties when implementing family meals without distractions when the children are small, often because they (and by them I mean me) have no authority over themselves.

One of the things we forget is that human beings are imitative creatures. We learn by observing and imitating the behaviors of our environment. Taking time to sit down with our children and listen to their stories without looking at our phones teaches them respect and, by teaching them respect, we offer them a model of behavior. This is how we would treat any other adult and so we hope that they will treat us. It is not enough to explain it to our children, we have to demonstrate it in our interactions with them and with other adults.