Couple discussions: the final rule

You have a bad day, you argue with someone at work or you have a run-in with a friend and the bad mood takes you home. As they say, trust is disgusting and many times we end up discussing with our partner issues that do not come or come simply because we are enervated and we do not measure the ways or the forms.

It is perfectly normal - and mentally healthy - to discuss the problems that we have encountered during the day with our partner but when we are especially irascible we can get crazy behaviors to which we are accustomed - from how he holds the spoon to how he uses the dental floss and cause us an uncomfortable peak of extreme anger that ends in discussion.

"Marriage is the lightning rod that absorbs anxiety and stress from other sources, past and present," says psychologist Harriet Lerner in Psychology Today who argues that "after all, what is our partner?".

"When a marriage has a solid base of solid friendship and mutual respect can tolerate a fair amount of pure emotion," continues Lerner, but paying our fumes and exalted emotions and end up making her responsible for our anger is never the solution.

Discussing is natural but you have to do it well

"A good fight can clean the air and it's good to know that we can survive the conflict and even learn from the situation," says the specialist in relationships and feminine psychology, but everything has its moment and measure.

Some couples get into endless arguments that lead them nowhere else than end up blaming the other person for falling leaves in the fall. "You have to be careful with the uncontrolled and irrational fights that can erode the love and respect that are the basis of any successful relationship" alerts Lerner.

Rule number 1 to fight
Lerner suggests that the first rule for a row of a couple does not get out of hand is to have previously established some rules to discuss between the two.

"We often act as if the intensity of our anger gives us license to say or do anything, because, after all, we are so furious that we are not able to stop what comes out of our mouth!" Exemplifies Lerner who recommends " set standards and take responsibility to follow them even in the hottest moments of the conversation."

Norms such as not being able to shout or insult, not being able to make comparative grievances with what the discussions with previous couples were like or something as simple as eliminating the possibility of starting a fight before bedtime (and avoiding a night uncomfortable and an awakening full of resentment).

Once we have them clear, experts in couples therapy even advise to have a written copy with the rules in a place where both see it every day (whether or not to discuss, it is interesting that they are always present).

If they follow and respect the turns of the word and the established rules, it can be a fruitful talk - although somewhat heated - that strengthens the relationship.

Everything has its end: learn to stop
Learning to stop our anger and knowing when we should start to slow down the level of exaltation and even the whole discussion is the definitive step to do it - come to this point, rather have done it - correctly.

"Happy couples are not partners who fight but those who take responsibility for their own words and actions without caring how furious they can feel inside," says Lerner.

Ultimately, as the matrimonial relations expert recommends, "if you or your partner is not able to keep anger under control, it is important to seek professional help."