Fear has been coursing through her veins daily since last Thursday. She has to continually just ask God to take it away. She is having panic attacks on and off. She finally "got a new job", which is once again, an opportunity but it feels like DEATH. It is a certain kind of death, actually. It's an Ego-Death. Althea is in a constant state of turmoil. She gets to leave "caregiving" finally which she actually perceives to be "torture administering" because she is not really given the authority to act as someone who has true compassion... but in that "job" she was surviving on no cash-flow. She had been sending out resumes for the last 6 months with no calls to interview till she got AfricaArt.

Ego Death, Oil & Collage on Panel, 30'' x 40"

The Ego-Death though has to do with being an artist. She will have less hours to herself and she may need to put her artlife on hold for a long while as she joins the commuter force of workers driving through downtown Denver at 7am and back at 4pm.

She has applied there at least 3 times since 2015. The last time she could not interview because the owner had shingles and she had not had chickenpox. She thought that was a clear sign that she was not supposed to work there, but now she sees it probably was just not the right time. Althea lives her life by interpreting signs like this. She attempts to live by Natural Law and Intuition. She prays and then looks for signs via things that come to her. She uses spiritual practice to keep her channel open and clean. But there are things in her Spirit that block her from evolving - her will being one of them, and she has a super hard time surrendering her artwork to God.

She just had not suffered enough until she had had the opportunity to carry bowel movements to the trash in plastic bags over and over last week for just over minimum wage. with the added bonus of watching her client in agony due to Western Medicine's eugenics agenda. The never-ending torment of all that coupled with the lack of hours and her absolute distaste for the job itself - cleaning denture scum, emptying the bedside commode, replacing the bedpad, washing shit out of the toilet, to name a few - with it's constant surprises and work with unhappy crazies made her willing to seek a more stable means of employment.

Althea has always felt like she is held in place by unseen forces. Her astrology makes her a fire ball that wants to soar through the skies. She's a visionary and her long-term vision is very accurate, but she absolutely sucks at the minutia of day-to-day. Then she has big daddy Saturn standing on her long wild flying hair. He just holds her in one spot, year after year while she twists herself in knots trying to fly. He says, "No. You must become disciplined." She hates discipline with all her might - she defies the very thing that probably would set her free. Wastes years of potential as she gets older and older.

She's an artist, and all she wants to do is art. She has artwork piled and stacked in her apartment. The walls are covered by her art. What is she supposed to do with it? She has tried living in complete poverty so that she can do her work and that too brings no satisfaction. Honestly, she is bored with art. She did a 2 year stint with sigils on a 6 year ride as a psychic artist - sure that she could make that catch on like hotcakes so that she could become a spiritual healer artist shaman chick - but it fell flat on it's face.

She has given away tons of them to friends and people who were supposedly going to help her - but nothing panned out. She is living in subsidized housing with $700 in the bank and a very old car. That's all she's got.

She is in a Mastermind Group that she's been in for half a year. For 26 weeks she has prayed for her art to sell and all that happens is a big fat zero. She watches her boyfriend pray in the mastermind and his prayers get answered every week - amazingly - so she has to conclude finally that it's not meant to be the way she is doing it. She has done all the social media things that one can do without money to invest - nada zip zilch. Derk and his friends in the Mastermind group laughed at her yesterday - saying how she is going to be learning how to sell art which is what she needs to learn. She was so angry at them - what does selling African Art on eBay have to do with making custom sigil paintings for people in town and online? But she just kept her mouth shut and glared at them - they don't get it it. For this reason, she should have staid in New York.

So, she had this job opportunity come her way, and she took it. It is a big wing-clipper, for sure. More hours taken away from her freedom; to commute, to invest in someone else's business; time and hours away from Derk and their dream to move to the ranch.

Maybe she is just an average person - even though she was raised to believe that she is something special. Maybe not. She has let opportunities like this one go by over and over - mainly because she always thought there was something better that she could be doing with her art. She hopes this time that she can just stick it out.

She saw the purple light confirmation that it's the right thing a few times that day... it's hard to deny when you see it more than once, but that is how they talk to her. They have different ways to get her attention - now it's purple light. Sometimes it's repeating numbers and other times it's random co-incidents.

An Aside About the Cobalt Purple Thing -

she calls in her Devas to help her with her health and her projects and they gave her this Purple light to summon them with...Now she sees purple lights around all the time.

Used to be it was only sunlight through a purple morning glory...

AfricaArt is an eBay powerseller. They sell African Art on eBay, Etsy, and Amazon. She will be photographing, pulling, shipping, listing and writing about African Art. She will also get to watch the owners make deals with the African Traders who come to their driveway and wheel and deal on the vintage and current African Art pieces.

The job is starting her at 50 cents more an hour. It's a small business. Cool people work there. It's a team. People seem nice although they are flagrant dems - she just will learn to keep her mouth shut about what she knows about the Dark Luciferians and how Republicans and Democrats are 2 wings of the same bird. She's not going to share that stuff with people right off the bat anymore. Mark Passio can do it and that's fine for him, but she thinks for her, attracting people by her actions works better and then she drops the bomb later. It takes time to wake people up. Start small and build up slowly. She's not going to start out blasting them with the big guns. She has learned that anonymity is her greatest asset.

Back to being held in place - She has Saturn in the 2nd House. She has come to consider that you get a set of astrological challenges for which your goal in life is to learn the things you don't have in your chart through the school of hard knocks - surrender- and God's power.

She is so resistant to the Mastermind group. She hates it. Why? She's not getting her way, that's why! The thing about the Mastermind is that it was her idea. The thing about all of this is that she can't get her way without also following God's Will for her, step by step, in the right time. She thinks she knows God's Will for her and she does in her heart but she does not know the When? How? and What? of it. All the others get their way because they are more willing and amenable than she, and it just really pisses her off.

This is what she has had to do to truly surrender, to simply make a living. Althea gave her life to God to do with as He wished when all her best efforts failed utterly due to her collosal failure and mismanagement of it a few years ago which left her completely defeated...that is until her Ego rebuilt itself a few hours later.

Since then, it's been a struggle to surrender her whole life. But because she lives her life by Natural Law principles, the Creator does have His way with her, ultimately, and usually it comes by "starving her out". That's what He has been doing it seems, with her career. Saturn in the 2nd House. She has to work harder than most people and she is a person who likes, as her Derk accused her yesterday, to have things magickally appear without much effort.

Althea is still living by what she learned in childhood when her over-protective mama set her up like a china doll dressed in high-fashion dresses from I.Magnin and made sure she got all the presents on her Christmas list - but at the same time threw her to the wolves by letting the courts decide that being alone with her alcoholic father every weekend was ok.

The result - Althea has been trying to escape from living her whole life. Even her artwork is just a distraction from life. She never knows how much effort things actually take to be accomplished. She likes to feel comfortable in every situation - never pressed or boxed in to any routine. The result is poverty. No opportunity. No one comes her way from out there. She blocks the Law of Attraction by her unwillingness to give of herself first. She wants to always see HOW it's gonna turn out. Derk showed up though and he is with her - what a blessing.

Derk told her yesterday that he has given up the words How? What? When? and "conventional wisdom" - because these are limiters to God. Althea is bound by How-What-When - if she can't see how it's going to work, when it's going to work or what it's going to be that works - she takes no action. This is truly due to her limited experience in the world.

Derk is a daredevil. He is a manifestor. He is The Magician and she has a lot to learn from him. She is Justice, balancing always balancing.

So today is the last day of Freedom as she knows it. Tonight she has to have all her food made for the week in her new low FODMAP veganish diet. She has to go to bed at 930pm and tomorrow she gets up at 530am. Out of the house by 715am she will join the cattle driving across town to her new job. There she will leave her phone in her purse with the sound down. She will apply herself to the tasks at hand, and when she wants to scream and run, she will pray instead. She will likely not see Derk until Friday.

Previous Posts

https://steemit.com/writing/@in2itiveart/working-title-what-the-fuck-chapter-3-steemit
https://steemit.com/writing/@in2itiveart/working-title-what-the-fuck-chapter-2-appendices-and-glossary
https://steemit.com/writing/@in2itiveart/working-title-what-the-fuck

https://steemit.com/art/@in2itiveart/i-am-a-misfit-part-6
https://steemit.com/art/@in2itiveart/i-am-a-misfit-part-5
https://steemit.com/art/@in2itiveart/i-am-a-misfit-part-4-charles
https://steemit.com/art/@in2itiveart/i-am-a-total-misfit-part-3
https://steemit.com/art/@in2itiveart/i-am-a-total-misfit-part-2
https://steemit.com/art/@in2itiveart/i-am-a-total-misfit-part-1