hi Steemians,
can i send this letter? i think so:

Dear Mister Rowntree (or whatever foreign equivalent was hawked the family silver in the most recent fiscal unpleasantness),

firstly, I’m sure the Mr Rowntree, the ‘since 1881’, Mr Rowntree, must be turning in his grave. he was a pioneer of marketing sugar-based narcotics towards children. he knew the power of getting them young. and you, Sir (or whatever you claim to be), are losing to HARIBO! to the GERMANS?! really, it’s outrageous. SO many young men died so that we could have confectionery (amongst other things, granted) superiority after 1945. and now… well, they caught you napping. as i have said already - outrageous.

secondly, i would like to complain about the flavours in your “Fruit Pastilles” plastic bag they sell for a quid at "ASDA - a division of Walmart" (that’s what it says on the shop now). to start with, the flavours are poor. they were fruit flavoured when i was a child, but i am now 42 and your sweets still taste like chewing on plastic fruit peel. i happen to like plastic fruit peel, but that’s just because i learnt to like all the things other people didn’t like so i would never go hungry, but that doesn’t make it okay. it very much is not, because anything i am okay with you want to be the opposite of. okay?

next: you haven’t changed the fruits in like, EVER. what’s all that about? everyone knows yellow isn’t lemon any more, there is no lemon because it tastes like bleach scented toilet cubes so it is now banana. where is your banana? literally, everyone else has a banana except for you. and what’s with orange? why is it still just orange-colour flavour, instead of actually tasting like oranges? and why do you think people want to eat oranges, anyway? it is 2017, Sir or Madam, orange is now peach or mango or, in reserved instances, passion fruit or papaya are acceptable. i suppose. when travelling abroad. but not from the British, Sir. and please, do not get me stared on the grass flavoured green ones. i never really understood the grass flavour, i thought it was a little eccentric - like having orange flavoured revels, or that Lucky Strike packet that on occasion contained a fabled marijuana cigarette - it is a little perverse, but then, Sir or Clerk or Whomever This May Concern are we not all? whatever, it could be kiwi, pear is big these days, or even star fruit. take a page out of the wonderful “The Jelly Bean Co.” flavour revolution. don’t tell me it can’t be done, those things are like crack but made from sugar(cane) instead of coc(aine) and still somehow legal despite the insane medical complications high sugar diets significantly contribute to especially with our increasingly sedentary existence and rising obesity and widespread diabetes. but anyway, that aside, the bloody Americans are pulling away from you too, Mr, or Mrs, or Miss or whatever gender neutral title you do or do not prefer. the bloody AMERICANS?! this is also, frankly, outrageous.

moving on: red is ok. but it is still just red flavour and red can be so many things. watermelon, various berries, strawberry i suppose for the purists but i would prefer to see some sort of online competition to let the nation decide instead of people who know anything at all about flavours. it’ll probably be cookies & cream with salted caramel. I’m just saying. i would vote for rhubarb, although i understand that could be somewhat controversial as pregnant women should be allowed to eat sweets too.

limping home sadly, in last place just because, really, and not for any more nefarious reasons - the purple one. still tastes like my grandmothers purple hair rinse when the chemical reaction is taking place. which is ok, like i said - at least i always get the ones other people spit out, but how about grape? or the other berries - the not red ones? or plum? you must not be afraid to dream, whoever you are, in-charge person/manager human being, as THE MISTER ROWNTREE - the one ‘since 1881’ - dreamt. otherwise the Poles and the Blacks will catch up, and then what would we be, Sir or Ma’am or Big Brother or Auntie? do you know? Well i do - we would be FRANCE.

and that is completely unacceptable.

i bid you a good day and await your reply,

HA

@humanauction