The Plight of the ‘Black Nerd’ | “Too black for the white kids, and too white for the blacks ” (Part 1)

The plight of the ‘Black Nerd’ | “Too black for the white kids, and too white for the blacks ” (Part 1)

Hello world, I am a black nerd. My life has been riddled with bizarre dichotomies where I often feel out of place to some extent no matter what I do. This piece was triggered by the backlash Donald Glover and Issa Rae received recently for their stances on interracial dating. And they are both what I consider "Black nerds" like myself.

No matter how much on the ‘inside’ it may seem I am in any given situation , I’m still always on the outside looking in. I guess it’s like having permanent objectivity even while experiencing something subjectively. A superpower of sorts. I’ve learned to embrace it.

As a child I came up in a ‘black neighborhood’ and due to my unruly behavior in school , I was sent to a predominately white Catholic School. It was culture shock. The culture shock for me wasn’t based on merely being in that environment. It was moreso based on how that environment reacted to me. Indeed i was conscious of race as a preteen, but not conscious of how it was perceived in other parts of society ie. white America. I felt like I was in a fishbowl at first. I was the ‘other’ there, and I couldn’t figure out why.

Then to make matters worse, attending this school made me an ’other’ back home.
When I’d come home I was teased for going to that ‘white school’ and would be called ‘white boy’. It usually never turned out well for the perpetrators though. Much to their dismay , I was good with my fists.

At this new school though, over time the students took my silence for weakness and took it too far one day. A giant kid in class that was like... 2 grades behind, sat on my back as all the other boys threw leaves in my face. I got up and literally chased everyone of them down one by one and hit them with a flurry of punches to the face. But this is where I once again got culture shock. All the boys that bullied me were punished accordingly, but I was told my response to it was bad. That made zero sense to me at the time. Where I was from you didn’t let people pick on you. If you did they’d never stop. The teacher consoled me and said to come and tell her next time. I understood and appreciated her kindness...but breaking me of the habits I had learned to survive would take more than an “after school special” talk.

Time would pass and I would adapt. I became a ringleader at home in my neighborhood and at school to some capacity. It’s bizarre walking in what seems like 2 worlds that never interact. It shaped me. It affected me deeply. Looking back, I don’t recall inviting my white friends from school to my house for sleepovers. And I recall, being hesitant about attending theirs when invited. Figuratively, much like my forefather Charles Milbourne..unbeknownst to me consciously...I had been broken...I started to see America the way our hidden masters wanted me to see it. Divided.

“Who is Charles Milbourne?”, you may ask reader. He is a soldier. He is a forefather.

Speaking of culture, before i continue give me a moment to clarify my referencing of culture. Most people believe that races have inherent behavioral traits which time and time again was proven to be untrue. Race was definitely a factor in my experiences, but it’s culture that shapes people moreso than DNA. And I was torn between 2 cultures that I had to thrive in everyday. To further explain my point, there were white youth in my neighborhood that were far more “urban” than myself, and there were black “youth” at school that were far more “whitebread” than myself. I straddled the fence. Or better... yet I was both yards on each side of the fence.

   It’s bizarre to be aware that I move and speak different in different crowds. While young I was unconscious of it. You get older and become more aware of it. But it’s more than “urban and white american” cultures. I became a master chameleon by early adulthood. 

But then you arrive at this point where you start questioning who you are, when you’ve spent so much time being a chameleon. And that’s when i started to grow into this person that is speaking to you right now. The average American zombie thinks I’m full of contradictions, when I’m actually full of assimilations. For all my Trekkies , think of the Borg. I’m not afraid to get into certain things based on what the status quo in society tells me i should and shouldn’t like. I just like what I like.

From that standpoint, I can understand the confusion that Kanye West experiences. Perhaps he’s thinking “If my white Father-in-Law can decide he wants to be a she and a Mother-in-Law, why can’t I go from being a black democrat to a white Republican?” (I say that in jest and not at the same time. lol)

I truly understand what he’s attempting to do, but his perceptions aren’t grounded due to the bubble he lives in...in my humble opinion. What do I mean? Regardless, of my awareness of the brainwashed social construct of a Matrix we live in, I am well aware of how I am perceived even if it differs from my Truth and how I perceive myself. And it can be frustrating. It’s as frustrating as playing an open world RPG with those damned invisible walls. It’s like “I can see there is open space over there...and it looks damn interesting...why can’t my character walk over there? Why can I even see it if I’m not allowed over there?!! The programmers fucked up!” Yes..it’s frustrating but thus is the Game of Life we play daily.

I may not think or express as extreme as a kanye West because I disagree with alot of his views, but I do understand his frustration. It’s frustrating when black people are always telling me what I can and can’t do or should and shouldn’t do based on our programming. When if you look at history black people (like the Moors) were the most open-minded and accepting people on the planet. They were pioneers trying to get everyone else to open their minds to new streams of thought and consciousness.

In my awareness of that, I find it ironic that I’m the one that’s often called odd or unblack when I’m actually acting the same way we historically have before we got ruined by the slave trade. So when I’m called “sell-out”, “weirdo”, “unblack” etc. I know my people are just unconsciously projecting. I repeat. So when I’m called “sell-out”, “weirdo”, “unblack” etc. I know my people are just unconsciously projecting. I’m not the one acting weird or different...you are.

Then there’s the other side of my story. Living in white America. For those that don’t know, when you tell me I’m different because I use correct english, don’t sell crack, and am educated..you are indirectly telling me what you think about most of the people that look like me. Believe it or not, the stereotype you believe, is actual a small minority of the ‘black population.’ But that’s the power of media right?

...I’m starting to ramble but will revisit this topic again soon. Thanks for reading.