Helping your child find the right role model

My role models

What makes a good role model? What makes a person the person to follow?
Of course, opinions vary on this one, since it's a subjective matter.
Some think they should model themselves after their favorite movie star.
Others look up to their President or a teacher, or their parents.
It all depends on what character traits you see as valuable and important. For you, they may be beauty and class, to me they could be a tendency to speak one's mind, a high intellect, a sense of humor. To each his own, as they say.

Sadly, that's not always the case. Too often, we take it upon ourselves to decide for other people as well. It's a tendency that you can see in almost anyone. I'm sure you've had at least one argument with a friend, a life partner, a family member or even a stranger because they wanted you to do the same thing as them, or to like what they liked. And you most likely declined, holding on to your own preferences.

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But as a child, you don't really have the option to decline. You should, but you often don't.
Parents have an enormous sense of self-righteousness and it is – to an extent – understandable. As a parent, you're responsible for your young child, and you have to make sure they have a decent upbringing, that they become educated adults. But that responsibility goes too far, sometimes, and parents take it upon themselves to dictate who their child becomes. What they should read, listen to, watch and enjoy is no longer a matter for the child to decide, but for the parent. And that's wrong.

Why are role models important?

As children, we need to have someone to look up to. Our personalities are still being built at that stage, so it's vital to have models that inspire us to be good people.
We need to discover good things in others, so that we can emulate them and incorporate them into our own lives.

Why must your child choose his own role models?

It is very important that those good things are judged by our own standards, not by those of our parents. If I see something of value in you, I will respect it and want to copy it, because it's something that I consider to be important. If my mother tells me it's valuable, I will respect it much less, out of obligation rather than choice.

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What parents can do:

• Give your child space.

Don't suffocate your kid by over-scheduling his day, or by insisting that he spend every waking minute with you. Allow him time to spend on his own, so that he may find interests and passion independent from you.

• Encourage.

Children want to please their parents. There's a point in life when making Mommy proud is the greatest thing in the world, and that's alright. It's normal. Don't abuse that power by imposing your own choices and fears on your child.

Say he or she has become really passionate about a game or a book series. Don't stomp on that, but encourage it instead. Ignore the fact that you yourself don't see the value in that particular thing. Your child does. This is all about trust; it's about you trusting your child to have the ability to distinguish between right and wrong, between good (quality) and bad. If you don't trust your child to make his own choice, he will grow up to depend on your good opinion. And his life won't be about doing what's right for him or what makes him happy, but about doing what makes Mommy proud, even in his thirties and forties.

Is that what you want for your kid?

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• Teach him about virtue, but don't show him where to look for it

You may think that what I am trying to say with this post is that you shouldn't take an active interest in your child's upbringing, but that is not true. You definitely should.
You should teach him that kindness is important, about what love is, about pride and decency, but as general virtues. Don't teach him that Mother Theresa is a good woman, although you may think she is. Teach him what kindness means and let him decide who's a good person and who isn't.

• Respect his choice.

My aunt used to have a very rigid opinion about which books are worth reading and which aren't. In my childhood, I read about witches, superheros, alternate worlds, fairies etc. She considered all of it garbage. Toilet paper, I think she called it.
My mother didn't. She allowed me to read the books I wanted to read because she knew that's how you cultivate a passion for reading in your child. By allowing them to read what they think is fun and worth reading, not what you think is.
It's called respecting your child's choice, and every child deserves that.

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• 'Think for yourself
  Cos I won't be there with you'

In case you're wondering, that's the Beatles. My mom loved the Beatles, yet she never insisted that I should too. She never rejected the music I listened to, saying that Beatles is the only true music or something...
Instead, I discovered their songs myself, because I had the space to discover. And I liked them.
I think these lyrics are very on point in this case. Let's face it, you won't be there every minute of your child's life to look over his shoulder, so he needs to be able to think for himself, to decide which people he should trust, what he should do in a particular scenario.
Teach your kid to think for himself, by allowing him to do so. It's the most important lesson you can give to someone and it's something they'll undoubtedly thank you for, later in life.

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