How to Sell Yourself - Comedy Open Mic 27

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How much is a man worth? In prison the rent rate is 3 cigarettes per night but we’re talking sell here. You’re probably working, maybe more than one job just to put food on the table. A while back a man put up his boss up for sale; it was a prank of course but the highest offer reached as much as $100,000. Prices definitely went up from $40,000 as they were mid 1800s. Yeah it’s weird but doesn’t it make you think how much you’d get for selling yourself? Let’s assume you wanted to sell your boss or that friend that always yabs about how funny Adam Sandler is. In February 2013 a man offered another manup for sale in Malawi for what equals $2,000, also February last year, a Malawian man offered his nephew up for sale. Definitely don’t visit Malawi in February. Also couple of months ago a man offered his sister up for sale. Wanna guess what country this was in? That’s right, England. Just kidding it’s Malawi. Of course it’s Malawi. Those guys have got to pick up a different trade.

But that’s selling others. It is horrible and should never be thought of even though my sister has this beautiful thing she does everyday: annoying the living daylight out of me.

Let us instead talk about selling yourself. How much are you worth? It’s already established that in Malawi the highest price apparently is $2,000. Even though Malawi is a fellow African country, I don’t think anyone should visit there any time soon. I want to expose it all out, Malawi and its history or rather its sales but then on the 14th of July this year, the Ekiti people of Ekiti State in Nigeria sold themselves for N4,000 ($10) for a period of 4 years which is $500 should it be for life. The BBC covered it. Now I want a Malawian passport, I mean if I am going to be sold, I want you to buy me for nothing less than $2000. It’s called self-respect.

So let’s look at how much you should sell yourself for. I’m not advocating that you should sell yourself but just helping you not to get scammed in case you decide to do that. Let’s start by asking: is the product you’re selling manufactured locally or is it imported? You don’t know what I mean, do you? Well, the product you’re selling is imported from outside, way outside, like we’re talking outside the planet.

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Let me explain: little under 1400 billion years ago, the big bang happened and after one round, it came. Three minutes later, the first atomic nucleus was created and after 300 thousand more years, we saw the first atom. Others joined and these atoms start moving around, little to the left and little to the right, some electrostatic force here, some gravitational force there, and some explosions, then they made a star. The little star lives on for thousands of billion years then dies, since the star was huge, a great explosion happened and it was called the supernova. That explosion led to the creation of our solar system and from there, the earth formed and witnessed great events: wars, rise of kingdoms and empires, religions and most importantly, the birth of you or more clearly the product we’re selling. So why did I just mention all that? Mostly to prove that @amirtheawesome1 isn’t the only pretentious show off here.

I’m also doing this to point out that the human body is more than just a body as the product we’re selling is made up of 65% Oxygen, 18% Carbon, 9% Hydrogen, and 3% Nitrogen. Those 4 elements make up 95% of the product. Same elements with the same percentage make up the entire universe with the exception of Helium instead of Nitrogen. I can smell universe in you even though I doubt the universe smells this horrible. Take a shower.

Let’s talk business now. How much do those elements cost? Well, if a lad wanted to take these elements and atoms from you, they’d pay $160 for Oxygen, $400 for Carbon, $900 for Hydrogen, and $840 for the remaining elements and atoms, the price could go up to $2300 if you know how to haggle. Indians could do great here. Just with that we know that Malawian was at a loss selling the other man; the fact that he’s in prison makes it even worse.

So $2300 so far, but is that it? What about your product, your memory space, your RAM, your megapixels? Let’s look at your camera for example, it’s true that you have two but pointing at the same direction leaving no chance for a selfie. But a human eye can reach up to 134 megapixels, and it’s never out of charge. It also comes with auto focus and has the ability to see in dark places and the memory that comes with it is pretty good; your memory can save up to 300 years if left on for 24 hours a day. 23 hours 56 minutes and 4.1 seconds a day if you’re gonna be anal about it. So, we could get a higher amount of money with your product. Just be greedy.

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Atoms gather around to make cells, cells make tissues, and tissues make organs. Let’s sell those shall we? Bear in mind that much like the Malawian man, a wholesale of a human is wasting profit. So let’s go one by one. If you’re a woman you can sell your eggs for about $8,000 and you can do that for as many as 6 times so we’re talking $48,000 in total, $52,000 if you’re a haggling Indian. Alright, what about men? Well, if you were to sell your sperm twice or three times a week you could get $1200 by the end of the month, $14 400 a year. But please don’t tell my father, he’s disappointed enough at what he got instead already. Selling your hair could get between $100-4000, yes, hair! There are hair places that get robbed. In 2011 a place in Texas had $150,000 worth of stolen hair. Think about that next time you get a haircut. One of the biggest evidence that the holocaust did happen is hair. Auschwitz has a place with over 2 pounds of hair. Okay so I know that you’re getting greedier by the moment and want more money, so let’s look at what else we could sell.

Let’s sell out some organs now, that’s where the real money is. Bit risky, but whole lotta good money there. The black market is pretty fair when it comes to organs. You could sell your heart for about $120,000, in some places you can sell your liver for over $250,000 and if we haggle really hard here we could get you much more. In 1999, a man sold his liver on a site for 5 million dollars, that's 10 million for both; yeah by doing that it would mean you'd spend the rest of your life in bed but with 10 million dollars it's not like you'd have to go to work anytime soon. One organ can be worth more to you than your entire life. When the Dana Air Flight 992 crashed in 2012, killing all 147 passengers on board and leaving no survivors, the Nigerian government compensated the families of the victims with $100,000 each. So I see this to be a better method of selling, we dismantle you and sell you by organs.

I hear some people saying that they don’t have any money, to those I’d say, sell something. A liver, a kidney, fingers, tissues, semen. Hell, sell your heart and die if money is the only issue. Maybe sell some parts, invest and get rich then buy back those body parts. In the end I’m not suggesting anyone should sell organs, but just giving guidelines so you don’t get scammed if you choose to.

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I nominate @alheath and @belemo to put in an entry for #comedyopenmic.

References: #1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6 #7 #8 #9 #10 #11