Skip the SSL w/ Serverless Telegram Bot via Now.js

See this article in it's original form on dunncreativess.github.io!

Try this bot on Telegram! https://t.me/JareBotBot!

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Note: these directions come without much conversation, let the hacking begin!

Set up a Bot with @BotFather

Create a package.json

{
"name": "tg-bot-now",
"version": "0.2.0",
"description": "A sample Telegram bot via now.js",
"main": "app.js",
"scripts": {
"start": "node app.js"
},
"dependencies": {
"axios": "", "body-parser": "",
"express": "*",
"request": "^2.88.0",
"requests": "^0.3.0"
},
"license": "MIT"
}

Create a now.json

{
"version": 2,
"builds": [
{ "src": "app.js", "use": "@now/node-server" }
],
"routes": [
{ "src": "/(.*)", "dest": "app.js" }
]
}

Create an app.js

var express = require("express");
 var app = express();
 var request = require('request');
 var bodyParser = require("body-parser");
 const axios = require("axios");
 app.use(bodyParser.json());
 app.use(
     bodyParser.urlencoded({
         extended: true
     })
 );
 console.log("run"); 
function sendMessage(url, message, reply, res) {
axios.post(url, {
    chat_id: message.chat.id,
    text: reply
}).then(response => {
    console.log("Message posted");
    res.end("ok");
}).catch(error => {
    console.log(error);
});
}
 app.get('/', function(req, res) {
     res.send('hello');
 })
 var bots = ["http://patbot1.duckdns.org/update", "http://coindexbot.duckdns.org:8080/update"]
 app.post("/startbot", function(req, res) {
     console.log("startbot");
     const {
         message
     } = req.body;
     let reply = "Welcome to Jare's bot bot";
     if (message.text != undefined) {
         if (message.text.toLowerCase().indexOf("statusupdate") != -1) {
             reply = ""
             for (var b in bots) {
 r = request.get(bots[b], function(e, r, d) {
            j = JSON.parse(d)
            start = j.btc[0][0]
            btc = j.btc[j.btc.length - 1][1]
            end = j.btc[j.btc.length - 1][0]
            diff = end - start
            var s = diff / 1000
            var m = s / 60
            var h = m / 60
            var d = h / 24
            var y = d / 365
            var apr = (j.btc[j.btc.length - 1][1] - j.btc[0][1]) / y
            reply += r.request.uri.href.substring(0, r.request.uri.href.length - 7) + '\n'
            reply += "Start: " + new Date(start) + '\n'
            reply += "Now: " + new Date(end) + "\n"
            reply += "BTC Notional traded recent memory: " + j.qty + "\n"
            reply += "Current position: " + j.pos + "\n"
            reply += "BTC % Delta: " + btc.toPrecision(4) + '%\n'
            reply += "BTC % ROI / day projected: " + (apr / 365).toPrecision(4) + '%\n'
            reply += "BTC % APR projected: " + (apr).toPrecision(4) + '%\n\n'
        })
    }
    setTimeout(function() {
        sendMessage(telegram_url, message, reply, res);
    }, 2000);
} else {
    res.end("ok");
}

}

});

let telegram_url = "https://api.telegram.org/bot" + process.env.key + "/sendMessage";

app.listen(8000, () => console.log("Telegram bot is listening on port 8000!"));
Note: it's important to send a res.end in every case, or else your bot will get hung up on old messages it couldn't process and no res.end was sent - putting it in a forever loop of never sending a response!
set your env key
export key="whateverbotfathergaveyou"
npm i
npm i
install now
npm i -g now
run now
now

Register your POST callback wtih Telegram's grandmasters
curl -F "url=https://URL_FROM_NOW/startbot" https://api.telegram.org/botYOUR_TELEGRAM_API_TOKEN/setWebhook
Congrats!

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(Disclaimer: The Author is the Chief Liquidity Officer at Coindex)