_{Post Traumatic}

First of all, I love Linkin Park. This band was with me during the darkest times in my teenage days. With the passing of Chester Bennington due to suicide, my soul was shattered. I don't even know how to describe it. It was just painful. Well, he struggled with depression and trauma... and I am suffering with it too. I'm gonna lie if I say that I didn't think that I am likely going to end up the same way. And that's the time when I realized I need to fix things about myself.

Days after my birthday, Linkin Park's Mike Shinoda released three songs. From the name of the EP, I knew this was going to be intense for me. I prepared myself and listened to the first song.

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Place To Start

'Cause I'm tired of the fear that I can't control this
I'm tired of feeling like every next step's hopeless
I'm tired of being scared what I build might break apart
I don't want to know the end, all I want is a place to start

Okay, a very nice way to start everything. It did hurt a bit but gave me hope that I, too, can have a place to start. I love how the video sheds a light directly at us.

Over Again

This song stabbed me in my chest. This gave me an instant flashback.

Sometimes / sometimes you don’t say goodbye once
You say goodbye over and over and over again
Over and over and over again

He was talking about Chester here but I couldn't help but think about my own past with these words. It was too painful I had to pause the song and well, just let my tears fall out. That was all I can do. I had no one to talk to but myself.

When the event is happening over and over again inside your head and you feel like you are still living in it. Again and again. It never ends.

Watching As I Fall

Still upset from shit that’s 15 years old
I don’t know what it takes to make me let go

Ah, yes. I am still upset from shit that's 12 years old. Nobody knows how we could let it go. Again, made my heart broke. I knew I was going to be hurt by these lyrics but I felt alive again with the pain.

The video is a beautiful mess. Chaotic, exactly how I feel inside.

Months later, Mike released the Post Traumatic album.

Nothing Makes Sense Anymore

I used to know where the bottom was
Somewhere far under the ocean waves
Up on a ledge I was looking down
It was far enough to keep me safe
But the ground was cracked open
Threw me in the ocean
Cast me out away at sea
And the waves are still breaking
Now that I awaken
No one’s left to answer me

....I was a bubbly and adventurous kid back then... then it happened...
That was all I could think of while listening to this song. Lyrics were so perfectly written. So deep.

And this song was my inspiration for this painting. See the whole post here.

About You

Finally some rap. Heavy beats and lyrics. Painful throws with the words but we can see he is recovering. I was a bit relieved.

Brooding - Instrumental

He was falling but in reverse. About to drown but didn't. He's standing up. No lyrics this time but damn, you know what's going on. Very symbolic video. Genius.

Promises I Can't Keep

I had so much certainty
Till that moment I lost control
And I’ve tried but it never was up to me
I’ve got no worse enemy
Than the fear of what’s still unknown
And the time’s come to realize there will be
Promises I can’t keep

It's so disappointing when you had high expectations of yourself... that you think you could do it with ease... then something happens and everything just crashes down.

Crossing A Line

This song is one of my favorites in this album. So raw. I can see him finally getting better...and it made me feel better too.

I got demons inside me / so I’m faced with a choice
Either try to ignore them / or I give them a voice

This lyric made me remember what I learned after my therapy - that I have control over my mind. That I am more powerful and it's up to me to allow them to destroy me or to just cover my ears and ignore the voices.

But to get there means crossing a line
So I’m crossing a line

Going out of the dark is a very hard journey and I'm glad his music is here to guide me.

Hold It Together

Trying to act normal / so they won't know that
I’m just trying to hold my shit together / together darling

This song has some lighter vibe, perfectly captured the masking of struggles. This makes me want to move my body with the beat while wearing black clothes. My life in one song, yes.

Ghosts

And when the lights go down
I see things I can’t explain
Calling out my name
The lights go down
Holding every memory close
Tonight is for our ghosts
Ghosts

This song reminds me of my childhood and how I badly want to go back there. I don't care if I have to experience the event again as long as I can prevent things from happening. But like the song said, I can't bring back how it used to be...

The video shows Mike's artistic skills. From painting to conceptual thinking to animation to musical arrangements. He just shows how talented and genius he is.

Make It Up As I Go

This video gave me a nice glimpse of what I am trying to do with my art. Connecting traditional painting to digital art. Or I think it's a lot easier to just say this song shed a light for me.

I keep on running backwards
I keep on losing faith
I thought I had the answers
I thought I knew the way
My brother said be patient
My mother held my hand
I don’t know what I’m chasing
I don’t know who I am

This is telling me to get up and figure shit out for real.

Lift Off

This basically tells me to fly...

I.O.U.

Just Fort Minor showing off his lyrical skills. This song stands out for me as it is different from the other songs in the album.

Running From My Shadow

I'm running from my shadow
Running from my shadow but it’s still there chasing me down
I’ll never win the battle
Never win the battle and I should have known it by now

This is what I have been on repeat every time. Speaks exactly what's on my mind.

World's On Fire

When the world’s on fire / all I need is you
I don’t always think to say it but it's true
When I just want to disappear
You’re the one that keeps me here
The world’s on fire / all I need is you

Of course, for his wife Anna, who's always been there for him during his struggle.

This was the inspiration for this painting that I made:

Can't Hear You Now

You can call till your voice is running out
But I can’t hear you now
I can’t hear you now
I’m somewhere far away where you can’t bring me down
So I can’t hear you now
I can’t hear you now

Perfect last song for the album. After all these voices, he chose to ignore them.

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Thoughts

I love this album because it speaks my mind. It made me feel a lot of intense emotions all throughout. It made me connect and relate.

I hate it because.. well... it speaks my mind...
It made me deal with a lot of flashbacks. Triggered some things inside me that were never discovered prior to listening to this. I hate that everything in this album is true deep inside me. Every time I listen to this, there are always new discoveries within myself and it always makes me think of new ideas with my artistry.

This album is so underrated. Mike Shinoda is a genius and there's no denying to that. If you want to listen to this album... trigger warning.

Overall, this album made me appreciate colors. Colors that I have ignored for so long. I will always look up to Mike.