HOW TO HAVE A NICE DAY IN A NIGERIAN TAXI!

This is a one in a lifetime tips on how to effectively utilize your day. It has worked and is still working for me. Immensely, I should add. I also believe it should for you. If we could all do this, you know, imagine how steadily our immediate environment would change for the better. Imagine how this spread would affect humanity at large.

Let’s do this!

Do you commute to work daily? On a bus? In a cab? I won’t be sorry, at this juncture, to tell you that if you commute with a bike, you need not read this post any further because one, I have no use for you and two, even if I had, the rules would clearly not work for you.

You’ve got a ring tone, right? Right. Cool. Here’s what you can do. That your ring tone, go to your media and play it really loudly. Like, loudly-loudly. Tell the driver to lower the volume of his radio, that you want to receive a call. Pause it. Place the phone to your ears.

Hello? Hello oo?

Glance at your phone. You could make the third or fourth hello louder.

Hiss and shake your head. Mutter some really sore expletive about flashers. Don’t bother telling the driver to increase the volume for if he cannot use his head on Thursday mornings, he can never use his head any other day of the week and that is no business of yours.

Naturally, the driver’s gonna wait a while before he increases the volume. Immediately he does that, repeat the above, making subtle alterations but never straying far from the script I am about to give you now.

Let the third ‘call’ come in. Do not bother telling the driver anything because this is when it really begins. People will help you tell him when you cup your hands around your free ear and yell something typically exclamatory like “Jesus” or “Oh my god” or “Whaaat?”

“It has been lost?” you should wail. “Oh nooo, it has been lost. It has been lost. It has been lost. It has been lost."

Even after dropping your phone, you should keep letting your wail get louder.

You see, people must surely ask questions. You need not fear about being bullshitted. I am a Nigerian and I could authoritatively tell you the average one of us would ask a distressed or seemingly distressed stranger what the matter is, (in this case what has been lost), not because he cares but because he’s simply curious enough to want to tell a story in his idle moments to his idle friends.

“Madam, it is all right,” one will say. Then will go on to ask, “But wetin lost so?”

“Oga,” a less patient one will say, “wetin loss?”

“It is...” you should start.

This is your time. This is the moment you were created for. Everyone is quiet. The attention is focused on you. Everyone wants to hear what you have to say. What it is that has been lost. Even the pretentious rat acting like she’s reading a silly novel is throwing short, swift glances your way, itching to hear, pouring curses on you in her mind for not saying what has been lost fast enough. The driver is glancing at you from his rear view. One or two thieving souls twisting their necks to look at you are already making plans to find what has been lost and then sell it- even when they don’t even have an idea what it is.

Remember, this is your time. You must take your place in the circle of life by making this moment perfect.

Have you got an earphone? It’s alright if you don’t. Calmly, scroll through your phone. Let them wait a while and look at you with those hungry eyes. Yeah. Begin to play your best track. Bob your head. Or snap your fingers in tandem with the beats. Simply look out the window. Or fondle your beards. Either of the above you choose to do, make sure that in that silence they’ve been trapped in, you totally ignore them all.

Or in the alternative you could look them all and slowly give this really bold, wide, creepy smile. That kinda smile showing all of your teeth, your molars and premolars inclusive. You could wag your brows too. (I did both of this on Sunday and it was super cool).

Or in the alternative, you could switch off your network and point at the absent bars to everyone. Do not tell them that is what is lost. Like I said, if nobody can use their head on Thursday mornings, they can never use their heads any other day of the week.

Now, THERE'S HOW TO UTILIZE YOUR DAY. 😂😡😡👺😜 storms out and uproots an oak tree

-Jago