Growing up with Anxiety

Anxiety is something that's plagued me since I was quite young. I never really knew a name for it as a child but I do have a sense of where it started.

I grew up in a strict Christian household. I'm the oldest of 7 children and I also got the most strict treatment of all the kids. My parents loosened up and relaxed a lot of the rules as each child came along. My youngest sister gets away with murder.
I believe a lot of my anxiety relates to those early years of fearing that every decision I made could send me to hell. I wasn't allowed to watch any movies, listen to popular music, read books, play games. Almost anything I came across could be construed as evil and straight from the devil.

It was something that was drilled into my head to the point that it took me a long time to recover. I went to a private Christian school for Kindergarden and Grade 1 and then was homeschooled until Grade 4, at which point I was dropped into the public school system.

This isn't something I would wish on anyone. Being sheltered and fearful my whole life and then trying to associate with people that grew up in that world was hell.
I was bullied and made fun of and didn't know any of the social references that anyone was talking about. I didn't know music or movies or what clothes to wear. It was a nightmare. It took me until high school to really make friends (which I'm still terrible at).

There was also strict spanking, the belt/paddle, grounding, hot sauce or soap in my mouth for any swearing or profanity or lies. It made me so fearful of adults that I still have a hard time at work or meeting other adults even though I am one. I still see myself as a little child when meeting other adults and I can't relax my guard to feel on par or equal to them.

Religion permeated every facet of my life. It caused trouble in my relationships with friends and girlfriends. In high school, it caused me to break up with my long time girlfriend over religious differences. She was Catholic and I was Christian. It devastated me and really made me sit back and take a look at the life I had been brainwashed into.

It took me years of soul searching and getting out of my parents house on out on my own to realize how wrong I was. When you grow up with one viewpoint constantly drilled into your head it's hard to see the world from another perspective. It's almost impossible actually.

Once I started opening my mind to the possibilty that there was more to the world than what I was brought up on, everything changed. I tracked down my ex-girlfriend, patched things up, made her my wife. I started enjoy life and all it had to offer and not worry about every little thing being evil or harmful.

It has left a permanent anxiety that I'm working hard to overcome. It's not related to anything in particular nowadays. I can get it just for waking up in the morning and going to work but I have good days and bad. I've been working on it and it's much better than it used to be. Today has been really bad which is what made me decide to put this in writing.

I really like seeing all the posts and viewpoints of Steemit users because it's a whole world's thoughts, emotions and believes all mushed up together in one place. It really helps to put things in perspective and open my viewpoints. I still have a hard time with religion and deciphering what I believe in vs what I was forced to believe in.