Ulog #6: Where Did the Time Go and What Has It Carried Away with It?

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I had some great opportunities of meeting some old friends for the past two weeks. I realized after each time I meet those I rarely meet especially those whom I have had good times with, it refreshes me and also it got me thinking about how our lives have progressed or moved on from.

I especially love this quote from the Original Quotes:

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It speaks exactly of how I feel, though it can be quite complicated, depending on what the changes are. Usually after I meet an old friend or two, I would self examine my life to see how much I have changed and what I have changed for. Honestly, I took very long to write this post because I was struggling in between to post it or not.

Firstly, Meeting an Old Housemate and Had a Gathering with the Old Bunch

Before I got married, I have rented rooms with different groups of friends and some with strangers too. The last batch I stayed with was with this bunch. It was a very happening house. We often laughed till we KO, literally. We loved watching TV series together, especially those investigation drama such as NCIS, CSI (Miami, Las Vegas) so on and so forth. I never like thriller dramas but because of watching together with them, we got very into it. Then, we often went for ice cream treats together too. They even had a pizza farewell for me before I was moving out to get married.

The 3 of us are still around in the same church and we see each other at least weekly, except for Tricia, who went back to Sabah (another side of Malaysia) after she graduated. This time, she came over to visit her adopted cousin and we immediately said we wanted to have a little gathering to hear her wonderful stories in US, she was there for the whole year and going back there again for her School of Ministry (BSSM) studies.

Two Wednesdays ago, we met up at Be Sixth, my current favorite eating place, of course because we wanted to talk without having to be conscious of the time, a great reminder by @josephinengpy.

The housemates I had right before I got married.

Catching up after almost 5 years

So, we really talked and talked until we realized it was time for her to travel home because she stayed quite a distance away. We started off with introducing Steemit to her because she is a blogger anyway and she LOVES to write, graduating from journalism. Then, it continued with her sharing her experiences of how she walked out of some of her deepest hurts and glory experiences over there. I am so glad to hear of her journey to wholesomeness because it does remind me of my own journey too, though different. It was just so refreshing to be talking about some great things all four of us have been really passionate about since the outpouring in our church some years ago. It reminded me of the purity of hearts back then and our own experiences with God. I actually needed that, I guess.

Meeting Another Hometown Friend Who Is Getting Married

Met up with my dear friend, Janice whom I am not just good friends with, but her mom too was my good friend :P

Next, it was meeting up my hometown girl friend, Janice just some days ago. She is getting married this coming September but I could not make it back for her reception, so I asked for some time with her at where we are instead. We were very good friends when we were in secondary school and we always sat very near each other even if we didn't sit together. I often visited her place, where I also made friends with her older sister and mother and her helped back then. Hahaha. I looked back at myself, I realized I really made friends much easier back then. Everyone knew me as the extrovert, the chatterbox, the happy girl. I am still quite happy now but I guess I have lost some charm hahaha.

Anyway, we camped in the tent in her yard last time rather often, and there was once it was heavy downpour that water came into our tent and we had to "evacuate" into her house. We did a lot of sleepovers and we talked overnight, so she is basically that kind of girlfriend I have in my school days, hence why she is important.

Janice is a Catholic girl whom I share my Christian faith with too. Back then, we handmade bookmarks and cards for each other with bible verses as encouragements. I was a very young Christian back then, and having her was such a blessing. She helped me to learn devotions by lending me her Bible Bytes and helped me learn the word of God.

Janice and I shared the same interests: EARRINGS!! So, I got her some as her wedding presents. She was funny because she screamed after opening the gift. Like me, I have also felt she has changed, since we both have passed our thirties and there are some things we see clearer than before. We were saying because of what we have been exposed to and seen, we still want to choose God, now that makes it even more precious. It was not because we were merely following the crowd or an emotional decision, now that it is after 18-20 years.

I am very grateful for that. We were talking about all these and we are happy to see each other at where we are too today. I am glad I had really good friends in my company in my teenage years. It was seriously a very confusing phase when I was seeking for my self-worth and learning about myself.

Now this is one part I am going to get vulnerable a bit more since this is my ulog.

There is this quote in Super Girl:

The thing that makes women strong is we have the guts to be vulnerable. We have the ability to feel the depths of our emotions. But we will walk through to the other side.

It's not just about feeling the emotions but walking through them. It's also not about competing strength with men or proving that women is stronger, but it is realizing what is made within us, humans. In fact, I think this is applicable to both men and women.

Okay I trust you for once though I may get bullets right at me after this.

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After I got married about 5 years ago, I realized that my social circle shrunk tremendously, though I was a very happy-go-lucky person in my earlier years and I made friends effortlessly. Frankly, I thought I would at least feel a bit remorseful, but I was kinda relieved. I had an incident of betrayal from a "friend" whom I felt all this while had integrity issues but I struggled so much to trust. I tried to work against my gut feeling and be friend her to help to work trust between us. The betrayal still happened, which was not surprising because she had done it multiple times actually. My church friend cum leader came to me with one the most healing statement for me: You don't have to be friends with everyone. I didn't know I needed to hear that sooooo much after I tried my best to love people, trying to love everyone and include them, even when personality clashes and them being so different from me. Since then, I felt an expectation of having to be friends with everyone who cross paths with me being lifted off.

Seemingly an extrovert for my first almost 30 years, I know I have changed. I love my time alone now sooooo much, sometimes even alone from my husband and son (Oops). I have learnt that being alone and lonely are two different states of mind. I love having my "thinking space", walking alone in the malls, eating alone which I felt ashamed doing that when I was 17. So, I would safely conclude for myself, I am not a extrovert/introvert by personality, I have just simply grown into different phases of life. I still do enjoy meeting old friends like what I did, but I too know if I meet them often enough, I may not be able to feel this way about them too. Now, I have learnt to have boundaries of close friends and family, friends who hang out once in a while, acquaintances who only meet and work together if we need to.

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Sometimes, after reminiscing old times, which is something I seldom do, I would realize that I have given up some purity in my heart and mind. When I was younger, the heart and mind didn't seem so clouded. Everything felt "purer" and I do sometimes feel I have lost it as time goes by or even with many defenses that I have developed.

Those were the days when I dare to dream and purely seeking certain things that I deem important. Those were the days I was having more of a childlike faith to believe. Those were the days when laughters seem to be free and they came promptly. I sometimes can slack a lot in some of these, because I have somehow lost some courage to pursue so an edifiying session like this was very timely for me. I don't mean blindly serving or be a blind sheep just following but I may have forgotten how enjoyable my relationship with God was.

No doubt there were some incidences in my life which did make me exercise wisdom as well as defenses too, but that only happened because I allowed myself to. I could feel I'm no longer as naive as before and to a certain extent, it is supposed to be that way. The thing is, I too do not want to be stucked in the past. It is true that for now, I do not feel comfortable having people or relationships that doesn't develop organicly. It makes me feel like a puffer fish or a porcupine. I'm not sure if this is normal for everyone's case.

I have moved past a certain phase of wanting to earn people's approval and wanting to live others' lives. Some of which, I have learnt to set some boundaries so my own well being is not at stake, after I have learnt myself more too in these years with God. I had a recent talk with a dear church leader and another friend of mine whom I am still accountable in some ways to be as truthful as I can be. I told her that I have changed, not as optimistic as before and I now see things and people very differently. She did say as we grow, it is very usual because we have learnt to adapt, at the same time to keep some distances too. She knows that I can pick up some hidden emotions and I can discern. I actually did not believe much in this last time and I am never confident of it, but I guess I am learning with God in this discerning over time because of some incidences that showed me that I wasn't "thinking too much". She made a point that got me thinking, that I am much more "sensitive" now because my senses are more sharpened that I can pick up things even if they seem hidden. I was thinking this as a struggle and perhaps God wants to reveal something of me to me.

God knows our hearts well enough to know how to still love us even in the midst of all this and all He wants is me to talk it out with Him. It is NOT because He doesn't know that's why He reveals it to me, but it is because He knows, He reveals it for me. So whatever it is, it won't stop me from relating with God. The thing about relating with God is NOT because He is a dictator Who wants to be in control that's why He asked for a relationship with Him but in fact, He knew it would be very enjoyable for us, as much as it is to Him.

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Reminiscing old times somehow gave me a courage within to actually still know the old me when I think everything and everyone is "good", also a courage to still believe that God is good and He watches over me, hence I can just step out and live! There were days with these two bunch of people when we just talk about our passion and relationship with God and we could do it again once we meet even after years. That's exhilarating and exhorting itself! For some reason, I felt the pureness of that part of my heart got restored and revived.

Whatever it is, it should not cost me my relationship with God. All I have been praying for is the healing of my heart to make it pliable again, for all unnecessary fears to be removed and be filled with the perfect love again. All in all, I have grown and changed, in His grace and there is no place His grace cannot reach or redeem.

As I took time to ponder on this after two meet-ups, this song appeared on my Youtube out of a sudden:

Okay here is a disclaimer:

This are my personal thoughts and not what I am trying to impose on others. I have no intention of offending any religions here on this platform.

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Posted from my blog with SteemPress : http://happycrazycon.vornix.blog/2018/07/29/ulog-6-where-did-the-time-go-and-what-has-it-carried-away-with-it/

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