If You Cannot Name the Bad Roommate...You are the Bad Roommate Part Two: Clothes Angels

Yesterday, I wrote about my disgusting dirty dishes habit. I wish that were the end of my sloppiness, but alas... that is merely the beginning.

Step Brothers
Columbia Pictures, Relativity Media, Apatow Productions

For some bizarre reason, my roommate with the snake foolishly chose to live with me in four different apartments in two different cities. Perhaps he was just a glutton for punishment? Perhaps I made him feel really clean in comparison to my messiness? Who knows? But when it comes time to write about the best roommate, I'll write about him.

After he graduated from college, we moved back to Chicago. I hadn't graduated yet. In fact it took me ten years to get my undergraduate degree (Once again, that is a story for another day.) He and I rented a really cool apartment in a fun and up-and-coming neighborhood in Chicago. The unit was huge, so we tricked another friend to move in with us (poor guy). The apartment had two large bedrooms and one very small one. However, outside of the small bedroom, there was a large sitting room. It was basically a second living room. I came up with a brilliant idea. Two guys would take the regular rooms and pay $250 rent each. The third guy would take the bedroom/sitting room combo and pay $300 rent. My two roommates preferred money over space so I took the large room.

Step Brothers
Columbia Pictures, Relativity Media, Apatow Productions

Then I had my second brilliant idea. The landlord allowed me to put up a set of huge sliding doors separating the sitting room from the living room. That sitting room became the greatest room I have ever had. It was huge and it was all mine. Best of all, there were doors so I could do whatever I pleased with it. Do you know what pleases me? Making messes!

Within three weeks, you could not see the floor of the sitting room... which had now been transformed into the largest and messiest closet in the history of time. I don't think I hung up a single article of clothing for the two years I lived there. I had a dresser... I think, but it went unused. I lived out of laundry baskets and a floor covered wall to wall in clothing. Which clothes were clean and which were dirty? I had no idea... except for the underwear. Those I knew. I'm not an animal! Every once in a while, I had to clear a path from my tiny bedroom to the sliding doors so I could go and fill the sink with my dirty dishes. I was in heaven.

Family Guy
20th Century Fox Television and Fuzzy Door Productions

One day, when I was hanging out with my buddies in the real living room, I had one of my world famous "speak before you think" moments. My friends were making fun of how messy I was and I said, "Come on guys, it's not like I could go in there and make clothes angels on the floor". They responded, "Want to bet?" I did want to bet, so I entered the room and laid in the middle of the floor. I began waving my arms and legs like a toddler in the snow. When I stood up, sure enough I had made a clothes angel.

Simpsons 20th Century Fox and Gify

After that, it kind of became a "thing" in the apartment. When we'd have people over, my roommates would make fun of me and it would always end with someone (usually the guest) making some clothes angels in my room. It was ridiculous and immature... but so were the three of us. One of my favorite philosophies in life is "If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?" And we laughed a lot. Whenever someone new came over and agreed to make the clothes angel, we took their picture and hung it on the refrigerator. We had quite a collection. Wish I still had them...

Simpsons 20th Century Fox

Like most things in my life, I "got better" after meeting my wife. Or in this case, after moving in with my wife. Living with her was really the first time in my life that I actually cared. I'm not perfect, but at least now I give a little effort. In return, my wife gives me... a closet. There's clearly something wrong with me. I'm definitely addicted to being messy. Luckily, my wife is kind enough to accept the fact that I am going to keep as many clothes as possible on my closet floor. It reminds me of my younger days. For some weird reason, looking at the mess makes me feel at peace. The floor isn't quite big enough for me to make clothes angels, but that's ok. Wait! I can't fit in there to make clothes angels... but I bet my kids can! Only one way to find out! Come on kids!