Anger and loss | Life and death

She hugged me from behind; There was no particular reason for it, just your typical every-day hello hug. The words, "g'day trouble," followed soon after and I pretended to object to her [probably accurate] assessment of me, for a moment, then I just agreed nodding with the words, "you love it!"

She released me and I turned, a grin on my face, and administered a friendly one-armed hug in return whilst extending my hand to her husband who was walking up to us. We shook, firmly, in true man-style, and I grinned offering the words, "how the fuck are you?"

This scene has played out in some form or another a couple times a month over the last 12 years, mostly at my gun range but also in social situations. Playful banter, copious amounts of shit-talk and genuine affection being the way our relationship unfolded from the first time we met it seems. We were good friends, this down-to-earth couple and I, and like most who met them I found them instantly likeable, happy and generous people. They were your typical Aussie's: Laid-back, hard working, fun-loving and willing to roll up their sleeves and help a mate when required.

They would compete on match-days but for them it was more a social occasion - Winning or losing was accepted with the same humble attitude they applied to everything. I recall one occasion when he was disqualified for a technical/safety infringement, as sometimes happens, and rather than leave in frustration they stayed, walked around with my squad and helped out other's - Loading magazines, picking up spent cases, patching and re-setting targets and generally deploying good cheer and support all around.

She knew the way to a man's heart too - Through their stomach's! They would arrive with platters of sandwich's, mini pies or pasties, cakes, or cookies and share them around. On more than one occasion she'd come around with my squad making sure I ate and drank enough water because it was a hot day - Being diabetic, fluids and the right food, regularly, is important for me. She'd stand out in the 40+ degree heat all day with me - Came prepared to do so, without being asked.

These people are were quality people - Aussie battler's, hard workers and the best sort of friends a person could ask for.

Last night I received a phone call and, seeing one of my mate's names pop up, I answered. Within seconds I plonked back down on the lounge (I pace when I'm on the phone) in shock and dismay. He had called to tell me that our friends had committed suicide; That they were gone. I didn't know what to say but I believe what the fuck, came out at some stage.

We discussed the wake, occurring Sunday-coming, and chatted about the family. There will be no funeral and no notices in the newspaper, just the wake; A time for us to gather and do what people do in times like this. src

Since last night I've felt...Odd. I see their faces. Smiling, happy faces. I can't help wondering why this couple would turn their firearms upon themselves...And thinking how senseless it all is. What could they possibly have been dealing with for them to create a suicide pact and carry out out? They both left notes however as there is an ongoing investigation no details have emerged. We may never know the truth of it.

I got off the phone with the guy who called me last night, only an hour before writing this - He's a retired funeral director and I needed to speak with him, to get some perspective. I'm angry you see. Angry at our friend's selfishness and that I couldn't do anything; That they didn't ask for help. He is too, but some calming words from him, a man obviously very equipped to deal with loss, helped me somewhat.

This is not my first experience with death, and unfortunately with suicide either. I have lost too many people in this way - Mate's to PTSD after military service, a young 20-something girl because her boyfriend dumped her and my wife's uncle number amongst them. Tragic, one and all. It's selfish of me, but I feel cheated in some way - Robbed of the chance to help them through their difficulties, and cheated of their friendship. I just feel helpless and useless; Like I've failed them in some way, although that's not the case I suppose. I'm also very angry with them which leaves me feeling a little guilt also.

Prior to writing this I contacted someone whose opinion I value here on steem and questioned the legitimacy of writing about this event, posting it. She suggested that writing about it would certainly help, and I find she was right in that. Reaching out, through posting this piece, also gives me a chance to get people's perspective, maybe other's who have dealt with something similar but I feel a release of sorts, the anger dissipating somewhat.

I don't want to be angry at my friends and in time I think that will pass but going to the range will be a little strange through their absence for a while. I've been seeing their faces since last night, vividly, which is to be expected. They'll go wherever I go from now on, in my memories, which is odd in itself as I would go weeks without thinking of them in the past. I need to draw a line beneath them though, our friendship, which is what Sunday will help me, and other's, to do. I'll miss them greatly and will never forget them, as will many others as well.

Life is a gift; A precious but finite collection of minutes and hours. For all of us it will come to an end - You, me...Everyone we know will eventually relinquish it...But not yet.

For me, someone who has lost people, the utter finality of death doesn't hold fear; I don't welcome or invite it, but am resigned to the simple fact it will visit me and those I love. This brings me a unique opportunity though - The chance to live my best version of life, to value myself and those around me and to put all things into perspective.

I'll end in the way I usually do...My ethos, which I pursue daily. It's more than a simple catchphrase and the deeper a person delves within its words the more it can come to mean. Today it feels more relevant than ever.

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Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default

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