Sleep – my feared lover

I hate going to sleep.

I fear losing consciousness

Yet I love to sleep, especially when I can slowly wake up in the morning. It is the most wonderful thing to me to sleep in. To wake up early when it is still dark but then have the luxury of dozing off.

I suppose the problem for me was reading. I love reading. I can remember learning my very first words. The book was entitled “Janet and John”. The first sentences were something like; “see John run, run John run!”

In those days of the 1960’s when I just had learned to read fairly fluently, the East London Town library was my treasured hunting ground. The world of Kenneth Graham was a mystical delight: Badger, Rat, Mole, and of course Toad. From those early days of delightful discovery, my soul was trapped in a world of imagination and far away places as I delved into the skilful creations of various writers. The resultant issue is that I would read till early hours of the morning. Particularly when I got to high school and the outside servant quarters were made into a room for me, always read till after midnight, often till two or later in the morning. My parents were in the house and were unaware of my excesses.

So I preferred reading to sleep; I would read until my eyes grew painful and I was unable to keep them open. Strange thing isn’t it? That when we are tired, it is our eyes that compel us to sleep. I still used to sleep soundly even if my sleeping period was generally short.

The problem with sleeping arose when I did my military service. As all soldiers do, standing guard duty at night time was our common lot. I hated it, particularly the shift from two in the morning until six. I used to cheat as often as I could, but fear of being caught made me a light sleeper and I generally got away with it. Occasionally I was caught but I had kindly superiors who were lenient and I never suffered the immediate consequences of my sins.

BUT the long term consequence of my military disobedience is that I lost the ability to sleep soundly any more. I regret the loss. Occasionally my work demanded travel, then one would sleep in strange surroundings, not easy to sleep for me then too.

I may have written about this previously, but for the sake of this article, I decided to attempt further studies about twenty years after getting my degree. This foolishness had the improbable result of eventual success. But these exams are really difficult and long. I had to take ritalin as these intense tests and exams were a day long affair, writing for at least 6 hours daily and it was impossible for me to maintain the mental focus and emotional intensity required for such a long time. In South Africa, ritalin is a schedule six drug, only available through medical prescription. The one nasty side effect.... Yes! You have correctly guessed, INSOMNIA. I was given very strict guidelines for its use but I had to take a daily sleeping tablet. I only used ritalin when studies got close to exams and when writing, otherwise I avoid taking them. But the sleeping pill became a daily requirement.

Then in 2015 I had my medical drama (must finish that series of articles, damn my ill discipline!) of a spinal tumour. Science and faith healed me. However medical science gave me cortisone amongst other chemical treatments. Of course in my opinion, medicine is all about managing the side effects of the treatment, which is hopefully less than the major health problem being dealt with. In other words, cortisone is a poison that is worse for the tumour than for the body, it does attack the cancer, but it also attacks the body. I became as round as a ball, but the worst impact for me was the increased insomnia. Then the nastiness of getting off cortisone but I eventually succeeded. Took me six months and my doctor was mightily impressed with me.

So I take sleeping pills which are successful 95% of the time, but I do have the odd night where I go to bed too late (like Christmas Eve last night) where I just lay in the bed. I don’t know what is wrong with me but I have to put my hand or my arm over my eyes. I wonder why? Also I cannot fall asleep while lying on my back, I wish I could as that is the best way to sleep in my opinion. I get too hot, I uncover myself. Then I get too cold, then I cover myself with the duvet. Hmmm, I must buy another sheet, I don’t like this one. I look through the window at the night sky (I can’t bear curtains closing the windows and making the bedroom too dark). I hear the occasional vehicle. Silence only emphasised by the quiet breathing of my wife Michele. At least I have learned to be calm, I used to get so agitated when I could not sleep as I knew I should be sleeping, if I don’t sleep the next day will be ruined! So I just lie there, quietly, trying not to disturb my wife and not kick the kitten sleeping at my feet.

How time seems to drag, but I have my thoughts. Christmas songs from a famous South American opera singer run through my mind, again and again, fortunately for me, the guy sings magnificently. Fascinating people opera singers, so many years of dedicated training. I doze fitfully, I move my foot and encounter a soft object, another kitten has joined the first, I sit up and stroke the two for a while, then I lie down. Eventually, in the dark, I hear birds starting to wake, I relax and fall asleep. A tough night is over.

I have made it yet again to another day.