I do.

Pavel

This is the story about Pavel.

It was new years eve, 2018, a day where so many people were talking about how to improve their lives, how they were done with the year, and how they are looking forward to a 2019, a better year, a greater year, a year, where it finally gets better.

We – the doctor and I – we ate in our friends backpackers, the most wonderful backpackers I have seen. It is full with flowers and plants, a little river in the middle, covered in indian artefacts and with a very warm ambiente that makes me feel outside in the jungle, while still being in a place with the comfort of running water, air conditioned rooms and a outstanding kitchen, while little birds run between chairs to find some breadcrumbs that fell to the floor. So it is even ecologic in the sense that the food on the floor gets used instead of thrown out.

Tonight there was going to be a big party with friends Djing and dacning. We were excited, ready to show how social we can be, how we enjoy being around friends! We got invited to eat from theirmagnificient buffet – which was really outstanding and amazing – Couscous and meat, grilled vegetable sticks and various sauces, vegan brownies, you name it.

We sat down, surrounded by music and people, drinking, talking, laughing, excited for the dance. A little bit anxious about what the coming year might bring, a little nervous maybe about how the night will turn out, maybe they'll meet someone, find something they like, experience bliss, maybe they find a purpose.

Pavel sat next to Bill. They talked and soon I was talking to Pavel. He is a really nice guy, very smart and funny. He asked me whether I want to play chess or not – I never liked chess because there is so many options and that makes me very uncomfortable, because I might sit there for so long and not know what to do. So I told him I am not good, which he said about himself, but I didn't believe him, because I don't think he would have asked if he'd be as bad as I am.

But we never got to play a game of chess. The board was already in use and I was ashamed to be bad and stupid. So we kept talking while the music got louder and wilder and so did the people. I had to scream in order to understand him and it started to freak me out. I wanted to leave, but felt like I would disappoint him – he seemed to enjoy the conversation so much. For me, it is so very hard to say someone I feel uncomfortable and want to leave – and it is not their fault, but I am afraid they don't believe me.

I left and felt bad, so about half an hour I called him if he wants to hang with us at the lake. He showed up and we talked for a bit. Because I was so anxious in that backpackers I felt really tired so we waited for a boat and left to the other side. Pavel – who didn't sleep for two nights, went back to the backpackers.

The next day, I texted him, because I promised to walk with him and show him the hills and the view from here. He seemed happy to join. It was until 3 that we finally got a hold of each other, there was chats in between but we never got it fixed. I called him back – because now at the time I felt very anxious about going for a walk. I start to feel very uncomfortable with myself and then it is hard to handle anyone. I become quiet and weird, don't say nothing because I feel that every thing I say is a dissappointment. So I told him that I am tired and no longer want to go for a walk. I feel bad now for two hours and constantly think whether to talk to him and explain it or not. Instead I write this text here and maybe, maybe he will read it one day.

So this is me, purest me. And instead of reacting I just sit here, observe while I have tears running down my face and allow myself to be the weird kid that didn't hold his word and beats himself up for it because he does it over and over. I try to love myself for who I am, for (maybe) disappointing someone, for maybe not realizing the amazingness that happens around me, because maybe we would have become good friends, who knows.

I really for long now didn't like myself for who I am. I am so scared of who I am, because I feel so ashamed for who I am because I never felt like I was really understood. I don't know what it is, I've heard it is OCD genius with a little Asperger. Some say it is oversensitivity. I say it may be what it is, it is now time to love this and me. And that I do by writing it down here.

After me accepting the situation and my feelings while being in it - I detached from the idea of who I am and just observed how I felt - I wrote Pavel and excused my behaviour and wished him good luck. And I now am in peace with me.

Wayne Dyer said: there is a difference between trying to do something and doing something. You can try to change or attempt to change, and you can just change. The doing and the attempt are seperate.

So I do the things that are not always easy, I change - and that doesn't require a explonation nor an excuse.

Good new year to you all