In case you struggle every now and then. yah...

Hi everyone. I'd like to share this story, just to maybe help people with it in their own lifes. 

So I guess we all have some core struggles. Mine is: being authentic. I mean, you know, we want to be decent, so why not set the bar high. So, being a kid, I was quite a tough boy. I was loud and upfront. And growing up, I upset many people with my noise and my love for sillyness and nonsense. I just wanted to have fun... But after a while, I came to the conclusion that I might be the cause for this frustration in others. I thought, my behavior makes them angry, is the reason for them being upset. And the little silly kid, that I was, I thought: Jesus, I want to behave different and better so they don't have to get so upset. So I started to learn to behave like people around me expected me to behave. I started to learn to read what they want, in order to see them happy. And I became a  good behaved, quite, anxious and serious teen. But I also became sad, frustrated and a passive aggressive unhappy kid.

 I needed to have something to be upset about. I would built up hate and frustration, but was to scared to change my life. I was bitching about things, but never did anything productive against it. I waited for the universe to change. But it didn't change. It just pokes you every now and then, when you loose you path. So I studied, I sang in two choirs, I drank, but just enough to still graduate, I played soccer, I played in two bands and worked next to my studies. Until that one day where I woke up and I was cold and couldn't breath. My body hurt and I didn't know where I was nor what I had to run to. It was that day, a voice told me: keep doing this and you will go under. I went to work, but something deep in me had changed. Short after, I had to face my fears and tell the band, that I quit, I had to tell my roommates, that I move out. I had to become myself again in these situations. Because I pleased my band members, because I though it makes them happy when I am with them. But it never made me happy. I stayed in that city and lived with these people. They were ok with it, but never liked it there. So I quit the band, moved into a different city, quit my job. I had to become authentic and stop living a life I didn't like. And ever since I realized, that if you don't speak up your truth, the universe will patiently say: ok, but I will come around again. And agian. Until we face the truth and become authentic. 

I had to become ok with saying out loud, what I like and dislike. I had to face my fears and admit who I truly am - and liberate myself from my prison. A prison, that keeps the true self inside, because we think it is wrong to live that part of us too. And so I started to speak up for me, and friends left my life, people I could talk to before, would disappear, I didn't have a job, and slowly all these things that kept me locked up, started to vanish. To process was painful, the fear of loosing my ground was real, but it was freeing. I went and traveled and ever since started to let go of more and more things. To become who I truly am and always was. A path back to my deepest inner me. Back home, after searching it for so long on this planet, to find it in my heart again. Where I can get up in the morning and say: yes, I am myself and it feels so great! I just love this day already, let's check it out. 

Yesterday, I was around people and felt so uncomfortable, but I couldn't say anything. Because it was some else's birthday party and I didn't want to be rude and say I want to leave. I became passive aggressive and at some point left with my girlfriend without saying good bye. Home, I had tears in my eyes and it was very difficult to tell her, why I am who I am. But I told her, that I am just so afraid of people disliking me, telling me I'm rude, so I keep pleasing them, until I explode. I told her how hard it is for me to show these honest feelings. Saying it out loud, even though it was really hard, because there was a lot of shame and old pain that came up with it, helped. And it helped to have a girlfriend on my side, that tells me in these moments, that she still just loves me - with tears in her eyes.

So thank you hannah, for sticking up with me and still believe in me, even when I don't.

So yeah, tough weekend but healing in the end. The universe always gives us what we need. We just sometimes don't like the lesson we have to learn right now. But it is all perfect the way it is. Because in the end, it all kind of makes sense. And the quicker we see that and accept it, the freer we become and the more we can enjoy life. Once we breath in and can let go of the pain and start to smile. This releasing one breath, where we accept ourselves the way we are.

Nothing wrong with that, right? ;)

So I hope you are doing fine and can learn the lessons that are meant to be learned without denying it for too long. Because after the pain, the release is just so wonderful and can lift weights from your shoulders that have been there for decades.

Cheers. Feel free to tell your optinion, story.

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