Normally I’m a pretty good person. I like to think I’m giving, kind, and empathetic.

This all goes out the window as soon as I step in to an audition.

I transform in to a bit of a monster.

But like internally.

I hide it pretty well. I’m all smiles and Hi How Are Ya’s, but in my brain I’ve hulked out into a competitive beast.

Does this face strike fear into your heart? A Midsummer Night's Dream 2016.

I think this is because I grew up going to hockey and lacrosse games to watch my brother play. I probably should have gotten into contact sports, too. Instead I fell right into theatre. But that in it to win it attitude seen in hockey households is instilled deep in the recesses of my psyche.

In the beginning of my theatrical journey I was really bad. I auditioned for everything, and basically was cast in nothing. After a few bit parts (mostly I played boys) I started to learn more, gain some confidence and begin to receive larger roles. By university, I was being cast as leads.

I was cast as Vladimir in Waiting for Godot in my grade 12 year.

I don’t actually think I’m all that talented. Mostly I just wanted it.

I handle rejection fairly well, probably because I experienced it so much in the beginning. BUT that doesn’t stop me from entering an audition like it’s a killing ground. I’m assessing the competition. Watching how they move their body, hearing their line delivery, basically critiquing every choice they make. Which is kind of horrible, as I’m only acting in community theatre at the moment. Many of these people are beginners. I commend them for their bravery. For the most part, they are more talented than many of the trained professionals I know! But this only makes me want it more. The better they are, the better I want to be.

In a way, this is what I was trained for by gaining a degree in theatre. It’s like how an English Major may have difficulties reading simply for pleasure. When I see a play, I’m wondering about everything that is happening on and off the stage. I have to coach myself into turning off the analytical part of my brain.

As soon as I exit an audition, or gain the role I want, I return to my normal self. When I was cast as Hermia in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, I spent a lot of time reflecting on how it would have been a really good learning opportunity for some of the younger actresses that were trying out for the role. That is vastly different than the attitude I carried into the audition.

I think I may be a bit addicted to this.

I’m not really sure how to change this mindset, and I do think it’s partially responsible for my general success in auditions. Something about adrenaline and focus etc. etc. At least I recognize it, right? And like I said, this is an internal struggle. No one has complained about my audition or audience etiquette yet. I would actually be pretty horrified if I made anyone uncomfortable or more nervous about auditioning. The teacher in me just wants everyone to have an opportunity to grow. In truth, I would be nowhere without that first director taking a chance on me.

Do you turn competitive in any atmosphere? Do you see it as a good thing or a bad thing?