What Adoption Means to ME
What do I think of when I hear the word, "Adoption?" I think of myself, the tiny, innocent and fragile baby that I once was. When I hear the word, "adoption," to this day, 22 years old the one feeling that always floods my body is anger. But what is anger? As my counselor has told me, anger can be positive. Anger is described as a primary emotion which has evolved as a way of surviving and protecting yourself from what is considered a wrong-doing.
Do I feel that my adoption was a wrong-doing? No, because I was placed with a loving and caring family. My anger stems from my biological mom and the fact that my adoption was a closed adoption. For me, my anger comes from my birth mother never following through. She had me at the hospital but never took me home. I forgive her because she couldn't have possibly raised me at 18 years old on her own - if I didn't forgive her I would be ignorant.
Anger though, is a strong emotion. Through working with my counselor, I've learned how to view anger as a positive. I've always told my parents and counselor that there's a hole that I need to fill in my heart. I need proof that my biological mother exists, (as I know absolutely nothing about her), in order for my anger to go away. The other day, my counselor enlightened me with two points - one that the hole to fill is me as a baby, as I re-live the vulnerability that I experienced from day one and to acknowledge it. The second point that she made was that the proof that my biological mother exists is me - and that's the most powerful proof.
What's under that anger you may ask? Vulnerability. As I've grown up, I've realized that vulnerability has crept up into my life at different times, with friendships and relationships. Since I was young, I've always felt like I needed to be protected because I was afraid of being emotionally attacked. This vulnerability was produced the moment that my biological mother handed me off. This vulnerability has stuck with me for my entire life and may for the rest of my life.
I reached out to my birth mom a few years ago and the agency sent me a letter saying she did not want me to contact her and she had her own family. Finding that letter at 12 years old killed me. The vulnerability, shame, depression and anger set in even more. I felt worthless.
What is most important is that I do not let these feelings consume me because they do not define me. To this day, I have anxiety of abandonment. I don't like to be alone and I often need to be reassured (even from my parents) that they're not going to leave me. This is something I've been working on with my counselor and learning to live in silence - to be alone and appreciate the silence.
Adoption, I used to think of it as a bad thing and I had so much negative energy towards the idea. But with years of work and time, that's transformed. Yes, I still feel angry but now, it's a good anger. I realize that I will probably never get to know who I came from, what my mother and father looked like, or even what their names were. But, rather than being shy and being afraid to tell people I'm adopted - today, I am proud to say that I am adopted. I am an individual that is unique, loving, compassionate and hard working.
Adoption means that you have the chance to share your strength, wisdom, power, confidence and love with others!
To all you other adoptees out there, I want you to know that no matter your adoption circumstances, you are LOVED, you are APPRECIATED and you have battled many hardships and should feel proud of who you are. XOXO, Ilona.
God's hands are bigger than ALL. Stay positive and thank you for sharing.
That's a wonderful thought and so true - thank you for sharing! I upvoted! If you follow me, you will see that I post a lot about mindfulness, health, education and fitness! I just followed you :)
What a raw story. I love raw stories. I wasn't adopted but I sure know those feelings of abandonment. My Mum and Dad split up when I was 5, and throughout my childhood I spent a continual cycle of getting to know men and losing them again. It was shit, and safe to say I grew up not wanting to be on my own at all.
I always think abandonment is a tough one, there's so much work that needs to be done to overcome it, the healing process is a long journey. When I finally began to love who I was then I started to enjoy my own company. I hope your journey is as exciting as mine was :)
Parents, I doubt they truly realise the stress they put on their kids. Your Mum may have not wanted to stay in contact, but here you are, 22, highly intelligent, focused, and very pretty.
Her loss imo!!
Upvoted! Thank you ❤️❤️❤️
Abandonment sucks. We weren't made to be tossed aside like rotten meat. Your Mum is obviously missing out in some special brand of awesome.
You too, keep learning, keep loving, keep inspiring :)
Thank you - I will do my best!
Thank you for commenting - you are such a wonderful soul! Thank you for relating...reminding me that I'm not alone feeling this way.
You're such a strong individual and I applaud you for that. Keep learning how to love yourself, admire yourself for who you are - it's a continuous cycle and lifelong learning. ❤️❤️❤️
Abandonment is such a hard feeling - I think everyone can experience it in some way! We all grow together I believe 💪🏻
Thanks for your courage to undertake this journey.
I can tell you that anger is born of fear. It is impossible to tell the difference between anger and fear by measuring the physiological changes a person undergoes when in the grip of emotion.
You clearly know you fear abandonment, and probably recognize that you are afraid you are not worthy of the love your family has shown you. This is the source of your anger, the threat, and the fear it causes.
We evolved to become angry when threatened to enable our action against the threat.
If a lion seems to be a threat to our family, our fear become anger allows us to attack the lion, and thus preserve our family.
This anger is not always so applicable in our society, as it is not often lions that threaten us, but institutions, or, in your life, being abandoned. Being angry does not lead to a means of fixing the problem.
Thich Nhat Hanh, in his book "Anger" says that strong emotions are important. They are demanding our attention with their strength. He compares them to a crying infant. The infant is demanding our attention, and we take the infant in our arms and try to understand why it is crying, so we can fix the problem.
He says this is what we need to do with anger. Don't push your anger away. Cradle it in your arms and try to find out why it's crying out for your attention, so you can fix the problem.
You are a long way towards fixing that problem, through your close inspection of it. I know counseling helps, because I experienced overwhelming grief and only gained any means of understanding by going through years of counseling.
Know that your strength is increased by your understanding of yourself. Know that fear, anger, or any other strong emotion is a tool you can use to gain understanding of yourself. Know that I see in your post that you are on the right track to being able to completely accept and understand your anger, and becoming a stronger, more empathic, and happier person because of it.
I hope a day comes when you are able to be grateful for your anger, because it made you better.
Wow - I got chills reading this - very insightful and I really appreciate you taking the time to comment on my post. To me, your words are encouraging and meaningful and touch my heart. Many of the things you mentioned, like anger being fear are things that I've talked about with my counselor. We have also talked about not pushing my anger away, and instead, recognizing it and cradling it with gentle hands to listen to what it is telling me.
Up until about two years ago I was REALLY good at ignoring any emotions that I was feeling...I avoided them at all costs. Now I attempt to live in a mindful and conscious state. I regularly check in with myself to ask what emotions I am feeling, where I am feeling them, what's beneath and why. This has really helped, as well as writing. Ever night, I reflect on any triggers that I experienced throughout the day towards my adoption.
You are right, I believe that I am being able to accept and understand my anger more and more and realize, it's not a bad emotion after all. Thank you again, for your wisdom and kind words. This encouragement will help me continue this journey to freedom and acceptance of my past.
It's true that you can't change your biological parents, but the truth is that whoever loved you, cared for you and raised you are your real parents. Anyone can give birth to another human being, but taking responsibility and raising one is what makes you a "real" parent. Cherish the people who were there for you when nobody else was, they are the ones worthy of your attention :)
Wise words - thank you for sharing! As I've struggled with my adoption throughout my life, these kinds of words remind me of those who truly love me. You are so right! Thank you :) If you follow me, you will see that I post a lot about mindfulness, health, education and fitness! I just followed you :)
Already did :)
Thanks a bunch!!
Beautifully written Ilona. You have a heart of gold, and obviously you have grown into a strong, intelligent and caring person, which is of utmost importance. Keep spreading the light and inspiring people around you. Between your educating the youth, being a fitness phenom, and sharing beautiful messages like this, I'd say you are changing the world in all positive ways. Upvoted, resteemed and thankful I got to read this. *Respect
Thank you for taking the time to write such a wonderful, heartfelt post, @famcore! I really appreciate it! Your kind words mean more than you know. <3 <3
you deserve it! #MakingtheWorldaBetterPlace #YouDoYou
nice post. Someone close is adopted and I'm sure I have no idea the feelings they are having underneath the surface.
Yeah, as an adoptee, I know that I (and I'm sure others can relate) am good at hiding my feelings about it. When I'm triggered, I hide it. If they are close, I would reach out to them. Ask them about it...pick their brain a bit. I advise you not to say things like, "you should be thankful that you're here," or those kinds of words. Instead, say things like, "tell me about your adoption - it's a really special thing. I know it can't be easy and I just wanted to gain some insight on what it has felt like to you." That way, you're showing that you really truly care.
The feelings underneath the surface may be okay for some, quite sensitive for others, and extremely dark for some...it just depends on that individual's story.
Good luck! If you ever need to ask questions or talk about it with someone to gain insight, I'm here!!
If you follow me, you will see that I post a lot about mindfulness, health, education and fitness! I just followed you :)
cool and I'm following. Just learning to be more sensitive to the ones closest to me.
I applaud you - that's awesome that you recognize that you want to be more open and sensitive!