When FEARS arise !

December 29 2016

So much has happened in the last 6 days over Christmas holidays. As I read back to the last line I wrote. My thoughts have come true. I received a message from who I believe is my TF apologizing for being distant and not being around because he felt he needs to “protect himself” . I'm not sure what that means he wouldn’t elaborate except for saying in the next few weeks he is moving across the country to British Columbia to find himself, figure out what he wants in hobbies, a career, a life. I’m devastated. I know this is what he needs to do though and I support his decision as much as it is weighing on my chest. The timing of it all is so perplexing. After meeting both of us seem to be on a path to find what we are called to do. He has helped me so much and opened my eyes to so much spiritually I have doubt I can do it on my own without his help. I will though. There’s something bigger at play here, I can feel it. It encompasses my being I am filled with all this new energy I have never felt before meeting him. I have to wonder though if he feels it to or if i am just crazy. He said I can visit the doors are always open. This is a good sign because it doesn’t sound like he is running. Another thing that he had mentioned was, “needing clarity while he is transitioning”. And “everything happens for a reason”. I am grateful that he was brought into my life but I am also fearful I will never see him again when he leaves. These fears I believe are my past experiences haunting me and I am to work through them. It is hard to know if I am actually working through them through or if my ego is manipulating me into believing I am so it will work out. I literally feel stuck. I haven’t seen him for over a month now as he would make arrangements and then back out or have his brother speak with me while he hid like a child. I need guidance from someone or my angels just to re affirm I am on the right path and this isn’t all in my head. I’ve never felt such immense chest heaviness when I think about him leaving the province. It’s irrational. But then again, from what I’ve read that is the connection between TF’s. I know he has to leave and experience new things and discover himself and his calling I just wish I knew if his need to seek this out was brought upon from our meeting like mine has been. I don’t want to push because the answers aren’t here right now. Its not the right time as much as I wish it was. There is still so much work I have to do before I can fully and unconditionally love someone else. Already I have felt a shift in my thinking and my energy. In all other past relationships I was needy and jealous and had to have confirmation that they weren’t going to leave me. They were intense and volatile and not healthy. And now hear I am feeling like I’m in a relationship with someone when there hasn’t been any commitment and yet I have no need to pursue anything else except working on myself and my true calling whatever that is. I know deep in my soul and my heart that once I am where I need to be that I will be whole and everything else will fall into place. It’s a weird feeling I have trouble describing to other people. I call it “knowing”. I know what I need to do. I know what I am supposed to be doing to accomplish things. I know how to help people. I know I am meant to be with T. I can’t explain how or why I know this I just “know”. I am learning patience. Something I have never had my whole life. I have never been patient but yet here I am not worry or trying to speed up the process. I would love more than anything for this to work out and be together sooner rather than later. But I know it won’t work if its rushed. If we are rushed. The anticipation is killing me because he’s opened my eyes to a different version of me, a better version, one I’ve never known existed until now. And it will only get better I feel it. This is the start and there is much more to come. A higher calling for my soul. If we have crossed paths once it will surely happen again when we are both good and ready. If it is in this lifetime I will be forever grateful. But if it’s not, then I will continue on with my journey of self-awareness and discovery and be thankful that I was lucky enough to meet someone who inspired me to be so much more than I was.