How You Can Trust Again

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Why don't we review these questions about how precisely to trust again:

"My husband and I remarried after we both got divorced and went through a number of relationships. I have been hurt a couple of times but attempted to end all the relationships in peace so when I met my hubby I felt alive and saw him as my right great man. And he is actually great in several ways. But when I found some of his communications with his ex wife and ex-girl friends, I discovered this individual lied to them a lot. And frequently he lied to me also. I actually know our relationship is sort of controlling-resistance. I am trying to control and he is striving to resist. And i told him that I do not trust him or respect him anymore for all he has done to other women and me. Because he lied, I felt like I possess the right to judge him and also to make him feel guilty for what he has done to me and other women. Thereafter, he told me that he felt so bad about himself and that he is as bad as what I said to him. I feel it is his problem and I cannot respect a person who is not in responsible for what he is doing. I have gotten very angry many times and scolded him and called him names. I know I ought not to have done that but I have lost trust in him. Through the Inner Bonding process I actually am trying to get myself back and get my love and admiration and trust back for him. My question is how I can regain each one of these? And how can I trust that i will not be his victim later on?"

And another question about how precisely to trust again, from a different woman:

"Being forthright, honest and loyal are crucial attributes for myself in and in others. Once the 'bridge of trust"' has been burned up significantly (i. e. infidelity in marriage or an intimate relationship), can trust be truly re-established when it appears to be more important to just one spouse? How does the one betrayed respond when the other is apologetic but thinks an apology is enough? How will you prevent this feeling of distrust from affecting future relationships?"

Learning to trust again requires work on two levels:

1. The first thing that needs to be done is your own inner work. You need to do enough Inner Bonding to become a trustworthy loving adult for your own inner child. This means:

• Accepting that you have no control over whether or not someone betrays you again, and letting go of trying to control the other person.
• Fully grieving loss of trust.
• Learning to trust your own inner knowing. Whenever you develop your trust in your emotions as well as your Guidance, you are more equipped to sense a lack of integrity in others.
• Becoming ready to lose the other person rather than lose yourself.
• Becoming willing to take whatever loving actions you need to take on your own account.

1. The second level of work in learning to trust again is relationship work:

• Both you and your companion need to attend lovers counseling to fully understand your relationship system. Lying is usually the effect of one person seeking to control and the other resisting or fearing honesty. Both partners need to do the work of healing old fears and beliefs and developing a trustworthy loving adult inside, that can be honest rather than deceitful. You can never trust that the other person won't lie or be unfaithful if your own inner healing work is not a priority.
• Apologies are never enough. Apologies don't indicate anything without the inner work to heal the underlying fears and false beliefs that led to lying or being disloyal.

It is unrealistic to trust again without this inner and relationship work. The wounded self in all individuals isn't trustworthy and can act in very hurtful ways when there isn't a strong loving adult in charge of our actions. For trust to flourish in your relationship, both of you need to become trusted loving adults with yourselves and with each other.