WHAT IT'S LIKE TO RUiN AN EMPIRE: HIRING INDEPENDENT CONTRACTORS (featuring @lordvader as author)

dragonslayer109 (72)in #funny • 8 years ago

So if you read my last blog you know I've got a couple of new problems. Number one: I really need to catch those sacks of garbage who escaped the other day. Number two: I need to replace about 16 Stormtroopers. Eight of them died in the debacle that people on social media are referring to as "*EscapeFromTheDeathStar *Incompetence *Shootthis *whystormtrooperscantbartend *Vadersucks". The other eight mysteriously disappeared after their performance reviews. Luckily I have this delightful new white and black plasteel sculpture to take my mind off of it.

Enough meditating. Back to business. My boss expects answers. He expects these scumbags caught. But, as I may have mentioned before, I'm surrounded by idiots. That is why I came up with a brilliant idea. I'll hire some independent contractors to deal with this. The management workshop I recently attended had a whole section on independent contractors. The powerpoint was awesome. It had moving graphics and everything!

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My boss is always railing on me to cut costs. Meanwhile, he dumps all of our money into one huge project. Ever heard of diversification you wrinkled up old fart? If anything ever goes wrong with that project we are screwed. But it's not like they are going to leave a womp rat sized flaw in it or anything.

No need to flag this. It's just the weak spot.
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So he wants me to cut costs but still get the job done well and fast... yeah that's gonna happen. But there is loophole. Thank you independent contractors! You see, there are all of these rules we need to follow when we pay our regular employees. Which is the dumbest thing I have ever heard of in my freaking life! We are THE EMPIRE! We set the rules. We can do whatever we want!

Like here. I wanted to ice skate. So bam I did. I do what I want!
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But of course some mamby pamby bean counter has to say "But sir, if we don't follow the rules, we will encourage the systems we control to break the rules as well." You know what I said to that? Of course you do. "Well if they brake the rules, we can simply blow up their planet. Pow! Problem Solved! Mic drop! Vader out!" This is the second time this week I had this stupid conversation. I'll just sum it up this way, three force chokes and four bean counters later, I gave up. Fine we will follow the rules.

Back to those rules. It seems we need to pay our incompetent meat sacks a "minimum wage". We need to provide them with health benefits, overtime, and sick leave. We are also supposed to provide them with safety equipment. Like suits of armor. I'll let you in on a little secret, those suits of "armor" don't do squat. They are made out of the same material that halloween football player helmets are made of. And all of those idiots wear them. They started as a joke but none of them had the guts to sack up and say something. So now they all wear them. Hilarious!

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Plus we have to pay all sorts of taxes... TO OURSELVES! We are the freaking government. This is ludicrous. But even I have a limit on how many people I can force choke in a day so I just let this go. (I do have a pretty high force choke limit, but I have a stock holder meeting later and I know at least a dozen of those cry-baby losers are going to need a good force choke).

What happens when you complain about not making quarterly estimates.
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But there's a new hope: Independent Contractors!

You see, we don't have to follow any of those rules if we hire these knobs. In fact, we don't have to pay them at all if they don't get the job done. If they get hurt on the job "So sorry, hope you get well soon...ON YOUR OWN DIME!". Their equipment breaks, "Too bad, so sad, should have been more careful, buy yourself another...Dimwit"! They want to bring in someone else to help them, "Great! But it's coming out of your cut." If they rack up some huge travel expenses "Too bad for you moron, should have shared ships. Now do your job and shut the hell up!" And the best part is, these guys (and robots, and buggy alien thingies) can actually hit the side of a moisture farm dwelling when they shoot (unlike my useless employees). They are already trained!

So I sent a hologram indicating that I'm looking for some contractors for a pretty simple job: catch four doofuses.

My underlings sifted through the applicants and sent me the top six candidates. Let's just see who they sent me.

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First, we've got a short, bug-eyed, T-Rex armed, little monster. From the appearance of his suped up scuba mask, he seems to have a worse respiratory system than me. Not impressed. OK whatever. Next.

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Next up we've got a robot that consists of a fly's head on the body of a protocol droid. Now I'm no expert on protocol droids...it's not like I've ever built one from scratch (Or have I? I can't remember. You'd think I'd remember a project that big. But I don't. Whatever).

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As I was saying, I'm pretty sure protocol droids are really stiff and slow. I'm not sure why some dimwit thought this would be a good design for a bounty hunter, but what do I know? Needless to say, I don't have a lot of confidence in this bucket of bolts. But it does have a super long gun. So he's got that going for him. Which is nice.

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Oh now we are talking. A tall lizard dude with razor sharp teeth and a cool looking blaster. This one is so tough, he doesn't even wear freaking shoes! His name even has an extra "s" in it so that you are forced to sound like a lizard when you say it. That is badasss! Although it is odd that his arms don't appear to be able to bend in a way that would allow him to wipe his own butt... but this isn't a butt wiping contest. (But butt... funny). I'm going to like this one.

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The next guy was just freaking cool. I don't know how the other five didn't just give up on the spot when this guy came in. Rocket backpack that fires a missile (at least before the recall). Customized and battle worn Mandelorian armor. A useless cape. Not too chatty. This guy is the full package. If only I had a daughter...

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Ok another robot. A little skinny but he's tall. I respect that. And at least this one was smart enough to bring two blasters since they will be going after at least four people. No complaints here.

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The last one has a freaking diaper on his head. He showed up to a mother-loving job interview with a diaper on his head. You only get one chance to make a first impression numb-nuts. You did a bang up job with yours! While we are at it. I get that these guys wanted to "get into character" Jules Winnfield style, but my lord he failed epically. Not only did he fail to look tough, he looked "weely, weely sad" like someone just stole his extra fluffy Teddy bear. Mask palm.

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But here's the beautiful thing. Normally I would snap and force choke this diaper wearing wussy (and probably the T-Rex armed bugman too... he was just creepy). But these are INDEPENDENT CONTRACTORS. What do I care if they are complete tools? If they don't do the job... they don't get paid. So good luck Bug-face, Protocol dipstick, and Pampers puss. Be sure to hurry back after you fail miserably! We'll have some pie and punch.