How to avoid people : A definitive guide for misanthropic geniuses

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So, you’ve ventured out of the comfort of your own home and realize people are staring at you. You reach your place of work and they come at you in droves. You quickly dive under your table and assume the fetal position next to the wastebasket. The wastebasket tries to dissociate itself from you. You have now become a ball. The ball has become you.

But you can’t remain there forever, or can you? No, research shows 90% of your co-workers can still see you under the table. The rest are hiding under their own.

Eventually someone kicks you out of there. But they add to your misery by trying to talk to you about your weekend. Seeing you so amenable to company another guy walks up and starts talking. They both stop talking. Now it's your turn. You have not been able to successfully evaporate or sublimate from a spot.

But there are better, more effective ways of avoiding people. I am advised by lawyers that although these are based on centuries of research, I'm not responsible for shit even if you end up walking around with a bird on your head or in it.

1. Kill them: A bit extreme but an effective way to ensure annoying people don’t bother you. Research shows dead people do not annoy you.If you’re lucky, you’ll get thrown in solitary for committing another murder.
2. Move to Antarctica : With global warming making the south pole more pleasant to live, it is the perfect chance to move south. There’s plenty of land that you’ll be able to avoid scientists.
3. Walk On Stilts: Practice walking on stilts( shouldn’t be hard for ladies) in your spare time.This will help take you to another plane, where people can’t look at you or talk to you. Avoid skyscrapers.
4. Baby Pictures: Carry around pictures of your baby or someone else’s baby( although that’s a bit creepy), show it to people and look expectantly for praise. This will keep people away at safe distances as if they owe you money.
5. Extreme Camouflaging: Carry around a wardrobe that allows you to blend into the surroundings. People won’t talk if they can’t see you.
6. Say you’re vegan- Studies show that talking constantly about being vegan is more injurious to health than smoking 10 cigarettes a day. The only problem is you might get yourself killed.
7. Avoid Eye contact: There’s a trick to this. Pretend you are talking to your crotch. It will add a weirdness to the lack of eye contact. Say words like moist, damp, love to repel people even more.
8. Fake it: Add some wires to a life jacket and stick a timer on it. You will see people part before you as if you’re Moses. Make sure it’s not the real thing or it will blow up in your face. Literally.
9. Mad Skills: Start talking to your invisible friend Siri, crying when your boss gives you work, read Romeo and Juliet to your family at dinner walk with a plastic bird stuck on your head. Padded rooms are just what the doctors ordered.
10. To complete the circle of life. Just die.

I nominate @amirtheawesome1 to try point number 8 and make an entry for COM with @holybranches