Old Age and What of it?

Have you ever felt that everything was just a dream? Somebody out there must have woken up to this strange feeling too. Perhaps, this is just one those ugly PMS days that comes with my age. I would just like to make an art out of my sleepless nights. You can choose if I'm too negative or too realistic for you. The mistake would be trying to make sense out of me and if I couldn't, why would you be any different? You see, one day I was a soldier crawling on the ground, fighting a hard battle of my own drunkenness, the next day I'm an old man preaching the word of God. Don't be fooled, I'm not as wise as I think I am. Probably just less dumb, worsened by my travels that opened the massive gates to the reality of the world. I am still trapped in this yin and yang.

When you travel time flies. I didn't take this 8-month-quick trip with a few stops in the fanciest places of the world as most of the young travelers do these days. Unknowingly flaunting their privileges in Thailand or some exotic parts of the world where people just pretend to smile so they can live off the golden currencies. You probably didn't know that. Mommy and daddy didn't probably teach you that you are not better than the rest or that most people actually have real-life problems. It sucks that I know these things. It sucks that now I understand the world a little bit and I would like to convince myself that it's one of the benefits of old age - knowing.

I was tired of my old life in the society and started living hard days in the unknown countries for years. Who would have thought that I would be capitalizing on my hardships on the road? I kind of shocked these travelers that I had plenty money and that not everyone here is as poor as they think. Well, I am. Sorry to play against your stereotypes. I am now bringing you stories that some I would rather not remember. I guess I have known too much about people, or not. That's the price of recognizing one's freedom early on, isn't it? Experiences taught me to become judgmental to save my precious time moaning about my petty feelings, like how I could recognize assholes within 5 meters. I could predict what they will say and how they will behave especially if they already have this tiny box of ideas about me. They do change, believe me. But I must admit their predictability bore me to death. No matter how good you are in seeing the good in people, come on, you still know what I'm talking about, don't you? Don't pretend that you are not judgmental as well, otherwise, you would not have stayed on your comfortable couch afraid of what people like me have to say. Afraid that I would box you in these stupid ideas I have carefully simmered. I'm not physically old, which kind of tricked people into believing that I'm too dumb. But I pose as a fool sometimes just not to offend some people. I know, I know, that's too arrogant and manipulative for me to do. So I'm probably not an old wise man traveling with a walking stick that could instantly turn into a weapon I thought I was. I'm just a little girl.

I'm not talking about knowledge or those things you learn from your school textbooks or too much of those political ideologies or engaging in trolling debate behind your computers. Naaaaaa, I don't argue anymore. Nobody argues with me anymore. These days, I recognize that time is more important for me. I don't waste my time trying to prove my point to people online or in real life. There's only temporary satisfaction that one could get from winning these stupid arguments, the other person will just boil a soup of hatred as they prepare to throw it on your face someday. People will take everything you say against you. I realized that this judgment also becomes a problem because the circle of those I like becomes narrower as I become older, as I get to know more about people.

An older friend I used to work with told me that someday my partner requirements would diminish. When I was young I used to say that I would like a handsome, charming, intelligent and kind man. Then my friend told me that someday, I would just like a man. Years later, I would like to prove her wrong. As I traveled, I realized that the source of all my endless misery on the road was my expectations from a man. I was alone on the road for a long time that I would just accept anyone who would show interest and a tiny bit of kindness. The problem was I put up with these men too much just because I didn't want to be alone anymore. I realized that it is important that my man thinks like me as well, that we have common ideas and perceptions of the world or that he could at least understand why I view the world this way. As I get older, I realized that I would prefer to be alone than be miserable with someone.

Recently, I try to go out and meet some people but it just leaves me feeling disappointed. Opening up disturbs my inner peace and equilibrium. I know it's my problem for not seeing through people, but at the same time, I don't want to put up with someone again just because I don't want to grow old alone. The pressure in this society increases, everyday love songs I accidentally hear outside try to brainwash me. Damn, even shit jobs here have age limits. Now, what would happen to those who didn't become power women or didn't get promoted in their corporate jobs? What would happen if I didn't make something out of my travels? My society would leave me on the road without a purpose, be frowned upon for being a cranky old lady instead of making babies and contributing to the growing population.

My thinking has become bulletproof and I could easily reject ideas that would not work for me, again one of those benefits of old age. Time forged my being and my requirements for someone have actually deepened, contrary to what my friend told me. There are men who would like to just fuck and dump me, and when you are old you also appreciate being the object of their desire still. However, I want more than sex and affection. My mind is an endless sky one tries so hard to understand, but sometimes, all you need to do is to look above and take it as it is. These days of my life, I constantly mix a bowl of words formulated from my thoughts and throw out the finished product into this world, letting you smell the aroma of my stories before it completely vanishes into thin air. What to make out of my years of existence? I might as well share the high drama of my life with those would like to benefit from my unearthed weaknesses. But there is only so much revealing one can do.

I guess I have stayed too long under this pond of existentialism. And in these murky waters of my past are formless creatures pulling me underneath. I'm slowly pulling you under too, constantly playing with your emotions with my words, words and more words. I will let you stay here during the rainy days as the water becomes dirtier and make you see what I have seen. It's dark and ugly. But, one day, I'll emerge from the mysterious deep like a Goddess full of wisdom, then everything becomes just a dream within a dream.