My Great Source of Strength

I can't remember anymore how long I've been silent. Years, days, hours ... I wake up at different times. I wake up from a big dream only to find myself here. I'm a prisoner of my own silence. And there are prisoners out there too. They survived because they are not alone in their silence.

I used to think it is some form of suppression. One way to punish yourself and others. They try to change us. Because silence is not what is expected of you especially in this world full of noise and distraction. You are expected to speak your mind all the time. To throw words without thinking. To attack and react. To be silent is a powerful thing. It is the process of becoming unknown and the unknown is a scary thing. Everyone wants to know who you are.

Silence is something I've learned since the beginning. I didn't know what to say or how to act. I was living in fear. I grew up and tried not to make the same choices. I only find myself going back to silence. It is all there is.

It is all that I have in my aloneness and solitude. They say you can hear more when you're quiet. And maybe this is why I get mad with any slight movement around me. Things get amplified. The quieter you become, the more you can hear. The more you can hear your own voice. There's nothing anymore but my own silence.

I went to other parts of the world only to find my own silence. And what if at the end of everything, it is all there is? I accept it. And when it happens, I claim it.

This quarantine has been the most silent of all chapters. I came to terms with it. Silence is the moment when I slowly begin to understand myself. It is the moment when I find out how there are so many things I don't know. It is the moment when I commune with nature in peace. It is the only form of existence I know.

I don't know how to fight. I don't know how to be right. I don't know how to love. I just know how to be silent. It is the only way for me to say a thousand words without speaking. Sometimes it gives me clarity. Sometimes it hurts me. It can be so deep it hurts my ears. Maybe someday I will speak again when I am ready. Or maybe silence is all there is.