Do We Really LEARN from our Experiences?

There's a popular belief and saying that we supposedly "learn from experience," and based on that it seems reasonable to conclude that we must be getting wiser as we make our way through life.

And yet? Sometimes I really have to stop and wonder... a lot of people seem like they learn absolutely NOTHING from experience.

Some examples of "not learning" are quite public and "visible." A good example is the divorce rate-- especially here in the USA. Statistics tell us that about 50% of marriages are going to end in divorce. Not as well known or publicized statistics also tell us that almost 65% of SECOND marriages end in divorce, while a stunning 75% of THIRD marriages are doomed. Underlying reasons aside, it would seem like people are learning nothing from their relationship mistakes.

Of course, that's just one isolated aspect of life. When we look at the numbers, we can also learn that people tend to change jobs more often as they age, not less often... so does that mean we just do not learn what we want to work with?

I'm sure you've known people in your life who seem to keep repeating the same mistakes, over and over. 

They'll date the same kind of toxic person over and over, or choose jobs they never do well at, or eternally invest their money badly. The field of psychology has even identified something known as the "repetition compulsion." Quite a few people, it seems, feel compelled to "keep trying" at the same thing, over and over... but without really stopping to consider that maybe their approach is wrong, in the first place. 

And then there's that old truism: "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is a form of insanity."

Part of me is inclined to agree... not that I hold myself exempt from these tendencies.

Oddly enough, we sometimes keep repeating behaviors because they "feel familiar," even if they hurt us-- and starting out in a completely new direction feels scary, so we avoid making changes. Sometimes we're afraid or embarrassed to admit that we really don't know what we're doing... so we just "keep doing," hoping we can "fake our way through" whatever we're facing. Alas, it rarely works.

At least that has been my experience.

To truly learn from our experiences-- and make real changes for the better-- we first have to be willing to look at our past negative experiences... objectively and honestly. And that can be pretty painful... so we tend to avoid doing so, choosing instead to stay in the layer of "superficial change."

It's a bit like having a house with a dodgy foundation and putting new coats of paint on it and pretending "things are better." Of course, they are not.

What's YOUR opinion? What do you think this is all about? Are we just stubborn, or too proud to admit that we've failed? Or is it that we get more particular as we get older-- maybe something that felt "good enough" when we were 20, feels "inadequate" by the time we hit 40 or 50? Or is the problem that we don't stop to actually examine or fully understand our mistakes before we try again? Leave a comment and share your ideas-- start the conversation!

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