How to enter - Comedy Open Mic Contest Round 28 - Explained in 8 simple steps
Step One:
Rules: Like anything “how-to,” the first docket on the calendar to be addressed shall be The Rules. (If you didn’t click that link you already missed the first joke and you need to learn ‘how-to’ pay closer attention to this ‘how-to!’) Make sure to Resteem these rules and while you’re at it, give a shout out to @comedyopenmic. Then change the ‘@‘ to a ‘#’ - #comedyopenmic and you’ll get their attention twice in the opening paragraph. Follow up with a #punchline, #funny and I’ll show you a clever way to get @trafalgar attention again at the end of this post.
Step Two:
Being on the same page: Now you need to click this link and familiarize yourself with the latest post provided by Comedy Open Mic. Scroll down and have a look who your judges are - These are the people who will not laugh at anything you say unless it’s funny so don’t waste their time you narcissist. Either you’re funny or you suck, you know that better than anyone else, don’t make the judges have to tell you!
Step Three:
Cover Your Assets: Should your entry suck, use this opportunity to smooth over the judges by saying something like “I think it’s fun to fart on airplanes.” Now pause - Hold your composure... it usually takes a minute for your audience to envision that little jet stream of recycled air they’ve adjusted perfectly to blow right in their face. Annnndd.. they’re back! If that doesn’t work, try this: “I pretend the person behind us is stalking me in every single Uber car I’m ever in.” That one doesn’t typically take as long to ingest. You can always go with old faithful: “Laughter often?” Get it? Laughed here often, laughter, laughed here...” And last but not least, never tell a joke you have to explain or say ‘Get it?’ Got it?
Step Four:
Attract a Comedy Open Mic curator: Go back to Step Two where you viewed your judges and scroll down a little further to the Curators. Or you could just click here and we’ll both know who’s paying attention when I say “Have you always been like this?!?” It feels like we’re back at Step One all over again - Do you want to know how to enter this thing or not?!” As I was saying; scroll down a little further to the Curators and pick one you’ve never communicated with directly but you’ve seen their name quite a bit. For this example I’m going to use @diebitch. First I’m going to warm her up: “You know @diebitch, I never ever, ever, ever, ever use the ‘B wOrd’ but with you it just seems normal.” Get it? Don’t forget step three! If you have to explain the joke, just move on! She isn’t ready to change ‘die’ to ‘my’ yet. Watch how I pull at her emotions: “You know every time I see your name I think: Dang she’s resilient!“ See what I did there? Ok - Now she’s panting like a dog in heat and I haven’t even rubbed her belly yet.
Step Five:
Cover Image: You can add this step anywhere but at some point you’re going to need a cover image. Here’s a list of free image sources to choose from. For this example I used Photoshop to edit an already vibrant mask that will hopefully capture the eye’s attention and cause multiple index fingers to “click” - This is just an example:
Step Six:
Don’t tell a stupid joke: Relax, you don’t have to worry about making anyone laugh yet, but it is the next step. This is a comedy competition, however, and you need to be prepared to say something funny. Nobody’s ever got away with opening a comedy open mic competition with a stupid Knock-Knock joke - Could you imagine?
“Knock Knock.”
Who’s there?
“Joe.”
Joe who?
“I’m the guy knockin on your door prick! You’re having a conversation with me right now asking me ‘Joe who’ that’s who you pale, old butthole! Remember?! You ordered a pizza you idiot and you’ll never guess but it just so happens I have a large pepperoni in my hand you frikkin genius!! ‘Joe who??’ ...Joe knockin on your front door that’s who.”
Step Seven:
Time to shine: All you need to do now is tell a half decent joke with a @punchline (that’s the clever way I mentioned in Step One) you’re capable of delivering! Just nail the ending. The middle can be mediocre, odds are, your audience will forget the middle of the joke anyway. The opening line can be generic, it doesn’t matter, it’s the ending they’ll remember - Here, I’ll give you an example:
....A guy walks into a bar. (See how generic that is?) He pulls up a chair and orders a beer. Bartender sets down a frothy, foaming glass of beer in front of him and says “wanna Open a tab?” That’s when the patron notices an empty five gallon water bottle full of $20 bills behind the counter; ‘that’s a couple thousand bucks’ he thought, so he asked the bartender “what’s up with all those $20 bills?” Bartender said “it’s the barroom task, consists of 3 things, first person to do all 3 gets the money.” “What are the tasks?” The bartender said “gimme 20 bucks and I’ll tell you.” “Ah forget it then!” ...He ordered another beer.
Somewhere between the 5th beer and 5th shot, drunk guy pulls out a $20, stuffs it down inside the empty water bottle and says “let’s do this!” Bartender tells him “first: you gotta take a shot of this habanero sauce.” Drunk guy, “no problem!” “Next task is out back. There’s a pit bull out there waiting for you and he has a bad tooth, you have to yank that tooth out of his head.” Drunk guy again, “no problem!!!” “And the third task, there’s a 90 year old lady upstairs, never had an orgasm in her life, complete all three tasks and...” Drunk guy cuts him off mid-sentence, stares into his eye and says “No problem - Pour the habanero!!”
Bartender sets down a shot of habanero sauce in front of drunk guy and with one swoop of his arm, he tilted his head back and it was gone! “Gulp!” He’s sweating bad now and his mouth is on fire, he’s screaming at the bartender, “where’s the dang dog?!?” “The dog’s out back! The dog’s out back!” Drunk guy’s tearing his shirt off and running out back, sweating profusely, the back door slams shut as he runs outside and it’s commotion! It sounds like havoc. Loud banging sounds, the dog’s barking, he’s yelling, the dog’s barking louder, stuff is flying around and it continues for a couple minutes and finally the chaos stops. Everything is calm for another 30 seconds to a minute and drunk guy finally comes stumbling back inside... He’s winded! Barely able to hold himself up against the bar, he’s looking pretty beat up now and exhausted as he’s using the shredded shirt in his hand to wipe the sweat off his face and he’s got just enough energy left in him to utter a few words to the bartender - He took a deep breath and said:
“Where’s that old lady with a bad tooth?”
Step Eight:
Before you put your signature up and click the post button; be sure you thank @comedyopenmic for the opportunity! Don’t forget to wish all of the contestants good luck and of course the judges; don’t forget to give a special shout-out to all the judges! And last but not least, you have to nominate two people to enter a Comedy Open Mic challenge at their earliest convenience:
@sivehead (cuz it worked last time! #maleseamstressessewthestraightest)
@jlsplatts (cuz you said you’ve been asked but haven’t fulfilled, bring your @dlive camera!)
For fuck's sake 😂😂😂😂.
Step 1.5, article III, section C Cup
Don’t forget to lace up your best attire!
Thanks a lot for stopping by @belemo!
Hi dandays,
Thank you for your entry in to #comedyopenmic comedy contest. We have asked the judges below to review your entry and give it a funny rating. (They generally have no sense of humor, as the saying goes, those that can't do, start contests and judge).
This will determine your ultimate position when the results are tallied. (That being said, you are free to adopt any position you wish - we can recommend pantsless with beer in hand.)
Judges:
If you have any questions or queries please feel free to contact one of the judges or come say hi in discord: Click Here
Thank you to @matytan for the great banner
I really like what you guys are doin are here @com-judge, thanks for having me @comedyopenmic!
anytime, you're entries are always enjoyed.
That sign listing The Rules is the most insane thing I’ve ever seen.
What kind of sick psychopath eats something, defecates into their own hand, and then fires it at the toilet?
Who wrote that rule, Mozart? Marco Antonio Fiorito? This jerk?
It sure is easy to spot who paid attention to this how to! Here’s how to know I paid attention to the YouTube clip.. That big ol’ thing could hardly walk I’m thinking “wait for it.. wait for it..” but I was not expecting that at all! ha.
Thanks a lot for stopping by @ilt-yodith!
It’s always satisfying to watch one of Creation’s proud creatures expel the evil from its body.
By the way, that’s a great avatar picture you have.
Deep seductive eyes, sexy smile, and a cute button of a nose! Damn! And that blonde girl is standing there too.
Talk about being on the same page! That’s exactly what I thought when I saw the guy, I told him a joke about a guy and a pit bull and gave me the rights to the image.
Thanks for the handy tips, @dandays.
That poor dog...funny joke, though.
Hey thanks right back atcha for taking the time to check out all the entry’s, I hope it’s funnier more often than not! As for the tips, of course! A little advice is the least I could...
-we interrupt this response to inform you no animals were harmed while performing this joke-
Thanks for stopping by @take5!
Funny how-to! I especially liked your telling of the knock-knock Joe(k).
😁
‘Joe (k)’ eh that was a good one! I’m glad you liked it, are you telling me the truther red peel though? I don’t know, sounds kinda conspiracy cia’ish, science fiction gramanana.
Thanks for stopping by @bananamemos!
oh @dandays Dearie ~ you just keep telling your jokes to lighten up the Steemit space, and nevermind about all that conspiracy mumbo jumbo.
mumbo jumbo?!
I'm gonna Red Peel all of ya!
You know I was going to write a guide for upCOMing COMedians (Too much?), but looking at this I see there's no need. You pretty much taught ME couple of things.
One little step that you missed, goats. Just goats.
UpCOMing COMedians is not too much, I say it’s not near enough! Mix a Boy George parody: “COMa COMa COMa COMa COMa COMedian!” <—- whhaaatt?! Did you see that? It’s a hit!
A music parody as a comedy skit.. great idea, really, I hope you don’t mind if I use it some time. 👍🏿
Thanks for stopping by @amirtheawesome1 and I really appreciate the Resteem.
Lmao! Excellent Sir, Excellent 👍
Thanks for the nomination AGAIN, but it'll probably be in a few weeks. I need to try something out first...
Yeah, that... I'll let you know how it goes. I think I've just about got time to munch a tin of beans or two before we board.
Im glad you liked it! Whether it’s here or in person, I’m always aware the things I think are funny are usually only funny to me so if you liked it then great! I picked the right joke.
Ya I saw you just posted Your Vaccination post and hooked up a buncha #fff winners with #steembasicincome, man you won the ‘one-up’ prize for sure! good luck topping that one, anyone. Seems like Europe knows all about “one-up’s.”
Have a safe trip @sivehead, let’er Rip! Thanks for stopping by.
Wow. I'm so happy to join the Comedy Open mic contest
Posted using Partiko Android
Happy to do what? Sorry, I missed what you said, what was that?