Life Is So Boring For Me Now More Than Ever

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I can accept that I might be on dialysis until I die or my appearance is like so from head to foot or not being able to go to places maybe, or getting married which for now really is for certain an impossible thing even in my dreams.

But being confined in my bed 24/7 except if I would go for my regular bath/shower and dialysis treatment really puts so much pressure to my mental capacities. It is just good that I am not getting depressed by it.

I really do not like my condition where I could not do anything because my body would not allow it. There is not only pain but weakness as even pressing a nail cutter is already a difficult task to do.

If only I could take my own life and end it all but since I am a spiritual person and believe that it is just a sin to kill one's self, that ideation is not on the table. But really I am already a dead person, it is just I am using a technology to make me bridge my life to see the light of another day.

I do not like to even think that I am already a dead man but it seems like taking my own life is just speeding things up and wouldn't be called a suicide anymore. It is just not good to even debate nor think about it anymore.

So I just choose the path where I can get better with the blessings of God or what my fate has in stored for me. I wish that before it really gets too late that I can get better and so if not I just wanted to go fast. But it seems that my body is holding, I can't even feel that there is something wrong with my heart.

So all these things happening and my effort to get better just prolongs my boring life and I cannot do anything about it. I am in a perpetual work to keep my head up from the water within an endless sea with not landmass in sight and I feel so much in threat, vulnerable, and alone.

There are so much things that I am thinking about in my life and my near future that mostly are a bunch of worries. I am just asking you all to always put me in your thoughts because I needed all those prayers to keep my mind strong so t=I can continue to cope with this thing that I can never call life, it is not life because it is not how the way we have to live it, just some existence that not even came into my most terrible dreams in the past.