Dear Diary: The Only Weapon I Can Use For Fighting Breathlessness Is By Gaining Weight

No matter I see it my fight is difficult in all fronts because if I would eat less then I would lose weight but the water would remain and it would mean that my breathlessness would get worse as there is no way the nurses would able to determine that I am losing weight, they just target the same weight whenever I go for my dialysis session.

Then if I would eat much it is not as easy as it sounds because for one thing I have an appetite issue to consider, also my capacity to eat is also an issue in itself because I currently have an extra water weight in my body, it makes me breathless just by eating alone.

If I would eat high calorie foods then I might develop diabetes which is a health risk that I am taking because of my ridiculously emaciated body. So more often I would feel guilty after eating whatever food that is because of after effects in my body, in other words the by products of the metabolism of the foods makes me feel ill., nit to mention again, the breathlessness.

Yes It is a very hard life and I also feel threatened with my nurses adding weight to my body rather than doing my wishes of at least targeting my dry weight and they just do not listen. Lat night after my dialysis I went home heavier again than my dry weight. So I fear that I am slowly drowning and it makes me furious that some people really have a total control on my fate.

I hope that soon all these things will end because it is just ridiculous to live like this and I do not know what to do with my life. Everywhere I look there is just a problem to solve and it is all overwhelming already and it is just boring and tiring already.

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