Dear Diary: My Body Is Weak As It Is Painful Today

I hate my body I really do, each passing day is not for me to enjoy because of what is currently happening. I am just so weak that I couldn't even get up and sit from my bed that easily much more if I would walk. So going to that bathroom from the door and inside is just like walking to the peak of Mt. Everest because it is too darn hard.

Everything in me is weak and I couldn't even open a packed sandwich from 7-Eleven much more if I was given a jar or bottle to open. But I am still thankful that even with I feel like I am dying trying to scrub my body to the bathroom I can still do it but of course it si a like being waterboarded each and every time.

I blame it all from my Hyperparathyroidism because it makes the bones leach away calcium and into my system so I just hope that my soft tissues won't get affected anytime soon and if it does, well another set of illness/condition that I have to endure.

The range of signs and symptoms include:

Fragile bones that easily fracture (osteoporosis)
Kidney stones.
Excessive urination.
Abdominal pain.
Tiring easily or weakness.
Depression or forgetfulness.
Bone and joint pain.
Frequent complaints of illness with no apparent cause
Source
So I am just really better off dying and I long for it at times but could not take the option of killing myself because of my religious inclination and beliefs. So suicide is a no-no unfortunately and now I just have to brave these things that is bothering me for so many years now.

It Is Scary To Think That I Am In A downward Spiral
I do not know why I am still alive considering my current medical situation but maybe there is a force out there that is working in me that I do not know of. Maybe I have a mission or a function that is unbeknownst to my understanding but what ever that is/was it doesn't mean that I am enjoying it.

Crazily I am still trying to extend my life because of what i am doing everyday plus the excitement of dealing with cryptos makes my life as colorful as it can get for me. So I have a will of 50/50 to live and to die. Whichever my fate chooses then it is still okay to me, I would graduate without a toga and hope that people will cry while I am being taken to my last resort.
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