Dear Diary: I Couldn't Wait Again For My Dialysis

Sometimes I just want to die when I think about my life being hooked up twice a week for dialysis and having to prepare for it too seems like easy but not in these final years of my life where bathing is just a torture because I am so breathless with every stroke of my cleaning gloves to my arms and the rest of the body.

Walking is also a painful task because of my lower legs and feet and I basically cannot breathe normally when I am walking. The difficulties went from like a light squeeze into like a hard squeeze on my torso plus the pain, it is just madness to think that I am still alive despite all these.

But I will just have to continue to fight until my body gives way because I am really afraid to die while fully aware of it because I had so many instances where I had a lot of difficulty in breathing, so much so that my eyes are already popping out in agony.

If only I am getting a very good dialysis treatment but I am not judging by the fact that my breathing complaints are not fully resolved. This is the bad side of hemodialysis where the nurses have the final say in how they can shape their patient's future or life. It is because many of my co-patient's death is related to not being able to breathe because of extra fluids not being taken out but the opposite is taking place, so the patients drown slowly like what is happening to me.

It makes me mad because I feel like being killed but I am helpless about it, it is just sad that it will affect my plans and I am just keeping my prayers to God that these things are kept away from me and the major issue of breathlessness resolved because it is making my life so miserable and now I just wanted to get dialyzed again to get a needed relief time and time again.