Dear Diary: 17 Years As A Dialysis Patient Is A Great Feat For Me Already

I started my dialysis from the 1st of December 2001 and never did I thought for once that I could last this long and it really is not advisable to be on long-term or "Chronic dialysis" because it really is not the dialysis itself will give you troubles but the bone complications that is associated with it.

Being in a long term dialysis makes your body susceptible to imbalances which your body will react in a really bad way, not immediate but it is a gradual process until one day the effects will transform you like what happened to my body.

After years of having an elevated phosphorus in my body because it was left unchecked by poor diet, medications, and inadequate dialysis, it made my parathyroid get into a hyper state which then signaled my bones to "balance" my system so it then seeped calcium into my bloodstream thereby weakening it and making my backbone collapse or shorten and making me develop a condition that is called Leontiasis Ossea which in turn made my mouth and facial features disfigured.

So Leontiasis just had given me some speech disability and eating disability. My appearance also made me shy away from the public so you will just have to kill me first before I go out exposed in public. It is just only in steemit I can reveal myself and I had gotten comfortable with it already.

It was hard being a dialysis patient and you have no insurance or money to pay for the treatments. It is just I have a very supportive brother at that time and was taking loans just to bridge my medical necessities. But I also have the plan to repay him if given the opportunity and I hope that God will give me that soon.

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It Is Hard To Carry All The Loads On Me

I had seen lots of my co-patients fall one by one and it really is both sad and a good thing that they just rested in peace already. Part is that of course it is just sad to know that someone you know with the same condition will never come back, but good because they will never suffer anymore like what I am going through now currently.

But I myself is okay if I would die tomorrow or today or maybe after ten years, it is just a 50/50 desire to live because I like seeing what the other day will bring me. But my body is already tired and my weak knees are already telling me that plus my parents are getting older and I do not want to bother my siblings. Those factors makes me think that to desire to live sometimes is just foolishness or madness anymore.

I know that God is the force behind my longevity and being a spiritual person that I am that really is the factor behind this life story that I am living with. I hope that I am fulfilling God's will no matter how unclear for me what is the reason for my continued existence in this lifetime.