Thoughts on Love & Adulthood. (July 20th, 2017)

What an exhausting day.

I've been in Las Vegas, NV, for a festival celebrating freedom known as "FreedomFest".

My journey started last night, after leaving class at 9:30 P.M., in Los Angeles. I'd already booked the hotel for the next day (today), and tried my darnedest to be granted a "media pass" for the event. I never got a response from the FreedomFest team, after two phone calls, and two emails. At least I gave it my best effort, which allayed my conscious. Quitting, or worse- not even trying, is a crime to me.

Sitting in my car, I watched classmates turning on headlights around me, in the smoggy hazy of Los Angeles. They pulled out, headed in many directions, as I shuffled with my phone, attempting to do too many things at once (one must always check their Blockfolio holdings, map out a GPS, and respond to a comment or two on videos one has uploaded to YouTube a few hours prior, amongst other things.)

I was probably the final vehicle to finally leave the parking lot, save for one lonely other truck, that probably belonged to the school's receptionist. They always work the hardest, and deserve much more respect than they're usually given.

There then, at this moment, came a feeling of longing. I suddenly intensely missed my girlfriend, and my pup Wallace, fiercely. It became clear what I had to do- grab some Chick-Fil-A to surprise the lady with, and take a bit of a detour before my trek to Las Vegas (though my bags were already packed, and stopping at home would derail me by quite some time).

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The key fit the lock perfectly, I turned it, and gently pushed the door open. The usual happiness filled my soul, with the sight of my beautiful girlfriend on the couch, bent over her laptop (which was filled with images of anime). Anime never called to me, but keeping up with it remains one of her greatest interests & hobbies.

Immediately, Wallace leapt out of his body in a mad spin, and rushed to greet me, in sheer ecstacy...he can't contain his happiness, especially after the tears he apparently cried in my absense (as informed by my illustrious girlfriend Elle). This enthusiasm is infectious, and immediately filled me with both an encompassing feeling of glee, and a deep sadness because of the space between our souls, which is made to feel even longer because of the limits of our physical beings. Dogs are perfect creatures, in many respects, and can easily let one recall the emotions of simple, yet powerful love that we once felt in our youth. It's no wonder my first wishes in life were to be a Zoologist, or Veterinarian.

Janelle, still shocked, slowly let a warm smile creep across her face- once the paralysis she seemed to be in had melted away. My body lurched towards her, ignoring Wallace now, as our lips met, soft and electrifying. Our kisses still elicit that feeling we felt the first time we kissed in a restaurant parking lot,... that night when our desire could no longer be repressed, and we let a simple good night kiss promise a future together. A kiss is an unrivaled way to find out which companion is right for you, although we somehow knew it'd be unforgettable before it even happened. Fireworks.

She exclaimed "You surprised me! I didn't expect you!". I also then let a smile touch my cheeks, as I lifted the Chick Fil-A bag high, before finally settling it down in front of her. "I missed you, and needed to see you before leaving...PLUS I brought Chick Fil-A".

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It's interesting because the more that you persist with love, the stronger the magnetism seems to grow. It's universal pull gently growing in gravitational demand, day after day, and moment after moment. Perhaps real love creeps up on you, and is much too often confused with infatuation. 

For yesterday night I felt immense joy deep within me, which echoed in every bone. These sensations resonated into the world I now behold- no longer am I alone on this planet. I, however do accept that I needed to be alone for a while, as an adult, to practice my solidarity. The independence of many year's pain caused me to grow stronger, and worthy of education in how to really feel affection. As I'd driven over with the Chick Fil-A, knowing I'd add at least an hour to my 4 hour trip to Vegas that night, seeing the two members of my L.A. family smile, and accept me with exuberance, was worth losing a few bits more of sleep. 

I still haven't slept, and it's been about 36 hours. Not sleeping really makes one perceive time much differently, and makes the day an endless movie, which almost seems to happen without one's interaction, before them. 

Saying goodbye felt right. I got in my car, and drove away, freed and happy...finally knowing that I have become worthy of love, and capable of giving love. Trusting oneself in the City of Sin is easy when you have only recollections of such beautiful souls, who've given you a greater purpose than self-destruction, now awaiting your return patiently.

Maybe my walls are coming down, and even if it may hurt as it has in the past, I'm determined to feel both the good and bad moments with every fiber of my being... for what else is life if not an experience to endure and recall in moments to come? Masking or evading these with delusions, drugs, alcohol, sex, or otherwise is a disservice to life itself. Wouldn't it be better to remember how you really felt in those moments of life that change you?

I'm a different man than I was a few years ago. I'm stronger because I worked hard at it, piece by piece. I'm still a far cry from self-actualized, but at least the framework is finally stable, and that is an unrivaled accomplishment.

-Crypt0