The Property and the Porkypies | Short Story Fanfiction

This is a bit of short fanfiction based on the popular HGTV house show Property Brothers. Sort of.

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Once upon a time Drew was dancing like a wood nymph when the camera crew politely reminded him that they were filming. Drew stopped dancing and looked around, finding his clients Mr. and Mrs. Porkypie watching him with cheesecake expressions plastered across their front faces. “Oh yes,” said Drew, “this house. So, what do you think? It’s got doors that go in and out, and bathrooms with things that go flush, and it even has floors.”

“I’ve always wanted a house with things that go flush,” said Mr. Porkypie.

Mrs. Porkypie nodded her agreement. “We’ll take it.”

“Great, I’ll get Jonathan in here to swing a hammer around and yell at people, and act surprised when you show up for a visit later even though there’s obviously a camera crew already filming him and preparing for your visit,” said Drew.

“That sounds perfect,” said Mr. Porkypie.

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Approximately 263 days later Mrs. Porkypie had given birth to somewhere around 20 kids, though she wasn’t sure because she wasn’t really keeping track, and Jonathan was finally getting to work on their new house that wasn’t really that new anymore and had gone a bit crusty about the edges like bread left out for a few days.

“Look at me!” said Jonathan. “I’m swinging a hammer and yelling!”

“Is the house done yet?” asked Mr. Porkypie.

“Why don’t you follow me outside,” said Jonathan. To be polite, the Porkypies did. A sleek, silvery, oblong shape rested on the tree-lined grass of the front yard. “As you can see, when I was looking in the attic I found a spaceship. So now I’m going to go on vacation,” said Jonathan. He walked up to the craft and tapped a complex pattern into its side. A seam appeared on top of the craft and a hatch opened with a hiss. Jonathan climbed in and the hatch closed again with a flarble, leaving the surface smooth and unblemished once again.

A blue glow formed at one end of the craft and it rose into the air then streaked into the sky. Mr. Porkypie sniffed. “Smells like peanuts,” he said.