Unsaid

Do you ever feel like you are lost? Like you know there is something you are doing wrong you just can’t put finger on it and tell what it is? Do you ever feel like the person you are doesn’t belong in this world? Like there is no place where you can really be you and feel comfortable being it? Do you ever feel like you are not strong enough, like you are too weak, a bad excuse for a human being that you should be? Do you feel like sometimes you are just lost, in the middle of everything, and at the same time you know you have everything and there is so much opportunities but you just can’t move because you feel too weak? And where does this confusion, lack of self-confidence comes from? Why everyone around you seems to have it all figured out and you are just hanging in this little bubble of yours terrified of making a move, and petrified out of fear of making a mistake?

Is it weird to say, that I never expected to live for so long? I know it sounds a little strange, especially because I am young, healthy and I grew up in a great, loving family, having everything I ever wished for.

But I can remember, since I was a little kid, since I was 3 or 4 years old…ever since I’ve had this strange feeling, that never left…a feeling that there is no place for me…like I have no purpose being here…there is nothing I can contribute to this life here…nothing…just a burden for others, especially my family for having to pay for my comfort. I am not talking about now…feeling like this now that I am a grown up and I can make my own money and everything…I talk about me, being a little kid, and having this never leaving feeling of being this weird, not belonging and useful person. And since I was a little child I’ve had this feeling that I will never live long enough to experience adult, independent life…and now for last 10 years I still can’t overcome this feeling even though I am far over my “expectations” so to say. And I was never like that on the outside.

I was always accepted, I was never antisocial or anything. Maybe a little shy and a little bit more quiet then others but I always showed this ok, happy, I know what I am doing picture for others to see. It is very interesting actually, how everyone that I know see me as this calm, quiet but smart and composed person who they can rely to. And they really can…and I am all of those things…it’s just that I don’t feel like it. And still to this day, I have to live with this feelings…they never go away. I am doing just fine, all my life I am doing fine, it’s just that sometimes I can get a little too sensitive over particular thing, because of my insecurities and because of that I can seem a little immature sometimes…but it’s just hard.

Sometimes it just gets so hard that I feel like I am suffocating. But I know that all of this comes from inside me, it’s all in my head and it’s not real. And I handle it pretty well. But there is a lot that I can and I must improve to make myself a better person. I don’t feel sorry for myself, I don’t have a reason. If anything I am angry because I feel like this. Because I really don't have a reason for it! And it's funny that I never ever talked about this to anyone…because they wouldn’t understand. I can’t even understand it myself. It’s just this little part of me that haunts me sometimes and it’s the main reason for my “problems” that are really problems just in my head. And I don’t want to talk about it ever again. And I know that everyone has their own fears and insecurities. It’s just the way we are I guess. But it feels good to talk about it…even if it remains incomprehensible forever.

And I don’t know where this is supposed to be going…it’s just me “thinking out loud”. No beginnings and no end or conclusions Hahah :D ;)