Our division through the window of relationship
I introduced my last piece as being “a bit off topic” since I did not think it had anything to do with the stated premise of my Steemit account: “An unconditioned commentary on the fact that I am a slave.” It dawned on me last night that it was not off topic, it was on the razor’s edge of relevance.
We are experiencing the systematic destruction of empathy. The sexes are being turned against each other. In this piece I explore the factors that divide me from a girl, one with whom I am endeavoring to achieve connection.
I am entering into a relationship. At 27, I am woefully inexperienced with this thing – I was certain of and comfortable with the inevitability of an exclusively solitary existence. She has taken me by surprise and I seem to discover something new about myself in each encounter. I am compelled to sit and write for hours after these experiences. This piece, along with my previous one, is taken directly from my journal.
Sometimes publishing is counter-intuitive; my sense of myself is beyond words. I cannot express this understanding intellectually. If I could, it would be nonsense to you because we have different souls; these are not interchangeable. My mechanisms work for me, obviously – but my mechanisms could not work for you; they represent my adaptation to my perception of my environment, which cannot be duplicated. I am not a teacher and this writing wasn't designed to be read or understood by anybody else. I'm putting it out there anyway, thanks for reading.
“I just offer the flower, let them smell it, let them destroy it, let them cook it, let them tear it to pieces. I have nothing to do with it.” Krishnamurti
There is our conceptualization of life and there is the actuality of our lives. A sexual urge is an actuality, but my action is contingent on the ideas that I have about sex – sex as a concept. But the concept is not real – it is a result of my conditioning, and this produces fear. My conceptualization of the actuality produces fear. Fear is not a reaction to the actuality.
The concept of a hot stove is the actuality of a hot stove.
I must pay attention to the ways I escape from myself.
I must see her in actuality – not conceptually.
So much fear.
It doesn’t matter what she says or what I think about what she says. What matters is what she thinks.
There is fear in trust. There is fear in hope. Trust is dependence – requiring the other person to meet an expectation and having a fear that they won’t. Hope is fear projected into the future; discontentment with the now.
I don’t want to be her teacher. She needs to know this. This is an image; not actuality.
Is all of this rooted in fear or in love? The silence – there is love...
I feel agitated. Fearful. This may be symptomatic of growth – but why? Why should love produce such things?
When she asks me what I am thinking: I am in wonderment of the present moment. This is the truth. I am not somewhere else. I am here with you. When I look away I am reflecting on the depth that I just witnessed; the profound sensation, physically or emotionally – as I am experiencing all of these for the first time, and I am endeavoring to always experience them for the first time.
I am not your teacher. I am your friend.
There is no part of you that I wish to “fix” or change or influence. If any change occurs – you are making that change, you get the credit for it, you bear responsibility for it.
We must be authentic. We must be present.
I see, and I accept. I see, and I reject. What I see is the actuality, not the concept. We do not need our concepts.
I cannot be given the responsibility of raising your self-esteem. This is impossible for me to do. It is possible for you to do, if you see the love and fear within yourself. But this is up to you entirely; I have no stake in your love or your fear because they are yours; not mine – not ours – yours.
We ought to distrust our emotions. To look at them before we act. Not to make an enemy or an ally of them – to be that thing while I am that thing, being that thing in actuality – not assigning concepts to the fearful emotions, creating fearful concepts.
I must get a hold of this thing – physical beauty, explore this.
This is a concept, beauty, and it is fear. Fear that the beauty will fade.
Beauty is a culturally derived concept. We learn these criteria, judge ourselves by a checklist – nobody knows where this came from. Other cultures have their own checklists. So beauty is not an actuality. It is an image based on past experience and cultural conditioning. If any part of our relationship is contingent on this concept, it will likely lead to the termination of our friendship. We cannot hold each other to a preconceived ideation. We must see one another – not the idea – the fact of who we are and what it means to coexist.
We must grasp the profundity of our interactions – reflect on them later. We must understand our behaviour.
We must, we must, we must – no. I must. And you must do what you must do. This is not up to me. There is no we. There is you and me existing in love or not. I want to continue, therefore I ought to be thoughtful.
Every interaction is so compelling; a full meal. I must always digest. I must be patient with myself in this process; separating the nutrition from the waste. It will take time to accumulate enough clear space to eat again. I must not binge on you.
This list of mine is not restrictive. It is empowering because it is mine. If I imposed it on you, it would be restrictive and counter-productive. You may develop a list or not. If you do, you will benefit because it is by your hand.
Being with a human being requires enormous growth. So much patience and kindness. It would be so easy to run away, wouldn’t it? That is fear of an opportunity for growth. Fear of the future – which does not exist. Fear of other’s judgment – which is conditioned. If I understand, there is nothing to fear. But I must be honest, I must always see this for what it is.