Unconditional Love

Hi guys, great to be part of something as revolutionary as this! My name's Benjamin and this is my first ever blog post. I live in Perth, Western Australia and am hoping to soon enough be making my living online. My goal is to be free to be myself and really do the things that inspire me the most. I have been wanting to share this post for a little while now but didn't know where the right place to share it might be. I believe this is it. Thanks for reading.

Unconditional Love

In the not so distant past, everything I knew to be true had suddenly changed. It was as if my reality had been ripped out from underneath me, in an instant my world had changed. I can only compare what happened that day to a magician swiftly removing a tablecloth from underneath a perfectly laid out set of dinner set. At first, it seemed that nothing had changed, the only difference was I could now see the table that I already knew to be there. As I looked closer, I noticed a chip towards the far right corner, I noticed there were scratches, all of a sudden I could see there were engravings all over the table. "I am not strong enough" "I am not smart enough" "I am not funny enough" they were everywhere.

Around 5-6 months ago I was simply at a point in my life where I had given up, I could not see the possibility of things working out. I would constantly be getting losing my job and moving from home to home. In one 2-year period, I could be told to find work elsewhere anywhere between 5-10 times... I would not keep count, I was forced to tell myself that this was normal. It was always the same words that would fall before my ears "sorry mate, times are tough and we've got a shortage of work" yet I knew very well that I would be receiving another call in a few months' time. The blame was so easily passed along to "the industry"... no one was to be held accountable, yet I would be the one left feeling unworthy, wondering what it was that I had done wrong, what skills i was lacking to be accepted as part of a team.

When all else failed I listened to a good friend of mine and took up meditation. It felt so stupid to think that sitting around and taking the time to focus on my thoughts would make a difference. But if all those monks seemed so happy with the little that they had, maybe it could work for me. Suddenly everything started to change, I could now see the cause of all my pain and suffering. I was forever looking after everyone else but forgetting to take care of my own well-being.

Over the 6 months, many beautiful things have happened, I started to question everything that i believed to be true. "Why am I actually doing this" was the most frequent question I would hear myself say. I was starting to be able to start truly expressing myself on my terms instead of living by everyone else's. I was slowly but surely pulling myself closer towards my dreams, from the outside it would look as if nothing had changed, but inside I was ALIVE. I lived in absolute faith that the life I sought was only around the corner. Every day became more enjoyable, what used to drive me up the wall had simply become a minor speed bump in the road to contentment and fullness.

As great as everything has been though I was still not feeling satisfied with the work I was doing and had this hunger to talk more, to help more, to BE more, I dreamed of actually having a voice in this world. I began my research, first with vlogging, then ancient civilizations, psychology, philosophy... I was interested in everything and anything that might help me better understand my need to be heard. I was seeing synchronicity’s everywhere I looked, due to my new-found focus and improved memory. It became hard to tell if I had simply not been paying attention or that I might actually be pulling these things into my life through simple daily changes. I was finding deep meanings in symbols i had never looked at twice, I was healing my friends with only the words that I spoke, it was no longer just conversation but an exchange of knowledge where both persons would be left feeling as if they had just gained.

It was all so exciting but left me feeling very alone and disconnected from the world, not being able to communicate what it was that I was feeling. I tried to keep it to myself not thinking I would be understood. Everything changed yet again. I was having the most fantastic day, I had decided that this weekend was the weekend I really got serious about creating the life I so badly desired! I had set myself 3 Goals -To review and summarize everything I have been writing about and taking notes on while doing my research -To have my own personal calendar planned out so I would not feel lost and confused as to what to do with my spare time - And to write my first song

I set off on my mission and started my first task. To find out my “WHY", to find out what really drives me, to find out what kind of a business I would build, but more importantly what kind of a life I am wanting to create. The worksheet told me to message 10 of my friends and find out what they thought the “one thing I’m good at” was. I spent the morning reading the loveliest messages. I received replies like “you're a great listener”, “you’ve got heart and confidence” and "that I was great at explaining things" all stuff I had never even realized I was, it was really quite an incredible feeling! I had reached the top of the hill, I was feeling on fire, nothing could stop me in my pursuit to reach fulfillment and success!! I hit a wall... spiraling down quickly, I had fallen victim to the weight of my own emotions.

Whilst reading one of the replies I had a flashback, I could remember being much younger and could feel the presence of my father, it was as if I was right there in that moment with him. The phone starts ringing and who might it be, DAD. Calling me back after leaving me on what I can only describe as “emotional hold” for the night while he discussed with his wife if I was allowed to stay with them. If they could somehow find it in their hearts to let me stay with them for a couple of weeks till I was more sure-footed and was making money online through my new-found passion to express myself I could surely be out of their hair soon enough.

I quickly found out they were not as optimistic about my dreams, I was quickly shut down to find out that even with no home, no job and no one to make me feel safe, I was still going to be told to turn around and find my own way. After spending 6 months conquering my own internal self-image and never letting myself to be hurt it finally broke me. I felt alone in the world yet again.

I turned to YouTube, my new favorite place, and supply of endless inspiration. I searched for an answer to my pain and found a beautiful Girl from my hometown who sounded just like I did, she spoke of a father who could not provide the internal validation she so desperately sought. She wanted to blame him so badly for all her problems but still did not hold anyone but herself accountable for her own emotions, a very strong woman indeed.

Even with all the pain that she carried you could see that she would so easily take on just a little more to truly feel validated, to hear that she was loved no matter what, to feel loved by the one person who mattered most. In this moment it HIT ME, I was not alone. There actually were others like me, thankyou I said, for your gift to be so open, to be able to share your heart with the world. I wish to be as brave as you and have my own voice soon enough too.

Seeing the unconditional love that she possessed inspired me to write my first song and also my first poem. I am soon to begin recording and to build the life I spend so much time thinking about. I dream of writing another song, to find another with the same dreams as mine and most importantly to show that unconditional love can change the world.

I dream of a website that not only accepts money for the things that we desire but gives options to earn these things through real-world experiences. I dream of being paid or rewarded for vlogging a dinner with the neighbor you’ve not had the courage to meet, for helping an old lady with her shopping when previously her struggle would go unnoticed or for sharing any helpful experience that adds value to who we are as people.

I feel we are often are not sure as to whether we are able to share these intimate experiences with others in fear of being seen as "different" or "vulnerable". I now live my life to change this. I know there are many steps between me and my destination, it would be near impossible to know "how" I'm going to get there. I now live my life with the sole purpose to reach my destination, I know it will come to be.

However, it does not start there, it begins with a much humbler beginning. For now, I simply walk to get where I desire to be. For first I must walk and be free to think deep, if I am ever to find the beautiful words I wish so badly to speak. It does not matter if I am not all that i wish to become just yet. Unlimited is the power of love, my journey has come so far in so little time at all.

I am no longer broken, I am no longer afraid, I am no longer voiceless, I can now love myself unconditionally.