I have heard your cries ladies and I agree with you, size really does matter. Ever since I started giving sex tips, ugly bastards like @yesaye and @dj123 have turned into raging rapists sex machines but from what I've picked up from their ladies, there's a huge gap of satisfaction that needs filling.Today just happens to be your lucky day ladies, if you're reading this then you either need counselling or a pen and pad.
Now penis surgeries are rather expensive and if you've ever tied a piece of rock with a string to the tip of the shaft, you'll also know this process can be painful. So I did a lot of research into this topic and I got the magical painless solution

SEDATIVE

Firstly an efficient sedative will he required to carry out this process. Leading experts suggest you intravenously apply vodka to get absolute numbness in the penis area.

SUCTION

This is a delicate process that must be carried out after 200mg of the sedative has been consumed. At this point, the idiot patient is required to insert his penis at the nozzle of a vacuum cleaner and switch it on. Your penis will make a "crack" sound. Don't panic, that's the sound of your penal muscles expanding, this occurrence is normally accompanied by minornside effects which include excruciating pain, loss of memory, dementia and slight death. Its not common but may affect seven out of every 8 people that attempt this usually safe procedure.

TESTING AND ACCOMPLISHMENT

At this point, you deserve some accolades. You've made it and your penis should be anywhere between 1inch-6feet longer depending on the model of vacuum cleaner used.
Any question should be redirected to @idikuci who is in fact my legal counsel and @holybranches the health expert that I consulted for most of this. My test dummy was @diebitch's husband, @amirtheawesome and of course @jerrybanfield who all left satisfied with my work. I nominate @detlev and @markangeltrueman to show us a little bit of their madness in this #comedyopenmic frenzy that's turning mild mannered individuals into loonies. God shave the Queen