In Lilia's Memory

“I wish you were here to tell me everything is going to be okay…” my husband whispered as the folks from the funeral homes finally closed his grandmother’s casket.

Too many times I was able to find ways to comfort him, but this is one of those times that I can’t even console myself enough to calm him down. She was his personal cook, doctor, nurse… She was there when they needed someone to stand up as a mother while his mother was away to work. She was everything for him. I can never imagine how much pain he has now that she’s closed her eyes forever.

As I write this, people are outside, lined up to see her at her casket. Kids running around, not fully understanding what’s going on. My husband, at one corner just looking at her casket. Thoughts must be running through his sorrowful mind.

I get it. We are not related by blood and people might think I am over reacting when I say I’m at my lowest point these past few days because of her too. I am. I lost my mother years ago and I know how it feels like to lose someone very dear to you. The sight of her on that wooden box brings back pain from years ago. And it isn’t just because I can relate to how they feel because of my mother. I truly hurt too because I got the chance to be part of her life. For 10 years, she was also my grandmother. My advisor when my kids get sick. My mentor in cooking. My listener when I need someone to talk to. She was a good person. I will miss her.

I will miss her smiles in the morning as she sits outside enjoying the morning sun. I will miss how she blends the flavors of adobo so well. I will miss how she squirms at the sight of our pets. I will miss how she carries my kids even when her knees were shaking and were no longer that strong. It’s funny because, I still think that after all these, we’ll get back to our normal routine. Where she will sit at her bench at the back of the house to prepare our dishes and ask for ice cream just because it has been too hot lately. Just my wishful thinking.

I grieve as a person who lost a friend but, even more I grieve for my husband who is in so much pain for losing her. I wish I can console him, but I know my words aren’t enough. I just pray that someday he finds healing, along with his family members who are feeling the same way now. I also pray for Nanay Nene’s peace.

This post is in memory of Lilia. A mother and a grandmother to all. (1933-2018)

Thank you for reading!

Love,
Jonah