BEASTLY TALES

UPSTAKES

I’ve never seen such a load of unadulterated tripe!
In such a manner, did Lord Hannerby gripe.
Twaddle, all absolute twaddle, and total waffle!
The whole matter is decidedly awful.
Not to mention absolute piffle and junk!
Such a theory is erroneous, we must debunk.
Why was Lord Hannerby in such a state?
Could it be that he has just lost his mate?
Yes, Lady Petunia packed her bags and left.
Meaning that Lord Hannerby was feeling quite bereft.
Why did Lady Petunia up and pull the stakes?
Undoubtedly because of those demands her husband makes.

“Gadzooks!” Lord Hannerby did loudly declare.
It is not as though I’m lacking. She just isn’t there.
Lord Hannerby spluttered with much spittle.
“I’m feeling betrayed and rather brittle.”
“I can’t imagine just where Lady Petunia has gone.”
“Perhaps the whole affair is just a huge con.”
He called the butler to check the silverware,
He wanted to ensure it to be all there.
“She must have run away with another man.”
“But he wouldn’t cite the prestige and money that I can.”
“Would I take her back should she return?”
“I think not! Her own living she can earn.”

Said the butler, “Now, there’s no lady of the house,”
“No-body wearing a skirt and a blouse,”
“Perhaps you should employ a house keeper.”
“She could be summoned with a remote beeper.”
Lord Hannerby gave this thought as he ought.
“But what about canoodling sport?”
“What about those special delights?”
“That make bearable, long winter nights?”
“Perhaps I should advertise for a “companion” too.”
“Someone who possesses a lithesome stature,”
“Someone to keep me company, of an intimate nature.”

And so both ads, appeared in the Times,
Carefully worded. Detail with punctuation sublimes.
Responses through the post, began to come in.
Many were frivolous, consigned to the bin.
They were sorted until reduced to two.
The “House Keeper” and the “Companion” he knew.
But wait a minute, something’s amiss!
The “House Keeper’s” age, given as 23,
The “Companion’s” age, as 83!
“Oh, dear, dear, this will just never do!”
“What line of enquiry should I pursue?”
The “Companion” gave skills as language and arts,
The “House Keeper” specialized in the making of tarts
The photographs enclosed, one making tarts for a knave.
The other looked as though she needed a shave!

Now, what to do? How to cope?
He was being made to look like a dope.
The door chimes rang, the butler brought both in.
Now Lord Hannerby was in a spin!
He peered over the banisters of stairs.
Saw looking up at him eyes in pairs.
One from a young person, but rather plain.
The other from elderly, but decidedly vain.
Too bold an application of lipstick and rouge.
Failed to disguise a nose quite huge.

He proceeded with interviews with each one.
He could not envisage there, any fun.
He opened his study door with, “We’ll let you know.”
What he readily meant was, “We’ll let you go!”
Just then, the door chimes sounded again,
And there was Lady Petunia, standing in the rain.
“Are you home for good?” He querulously asked.
“I’ve got some brandy, I’ve just un-casked.”
And so they retired to the living room,
Lord Hannerby began shrugging off gloom!