My Poetic Reality

My Poetic Reality ..

Or so I am calling it that today. I am giving myself permission to have an off day. Sure I am having them more often than I used to, but life isn't as full as it once was. The house is quieter, my creativity has diminished, any kind of motivation went out the window, and my overall mood is somber at best. I told myself this morning that I would do something today, to let some of these negative thoughts go. Possible some sort of free write or free flow poetry will do the trick.

It’s not a secret that I have been battling with the loss of our baby boy Pepper. One day I am up and the very next I’m down in the dumps. Last night, I was feeling okay, then like a flash of lightning, it was all over. I made the mistake of looking at stored photos of him on my phone. I sank deeply in depression and wanted nothing to do with anything that required mental or physical energy.

I Don’t Want To Rush The Healing Process ..

Because that would mean moving on. In the back of my mind, moving on could mean losing some of the little memories. Memories like how his ears flopped up and down when he walked in front of me. How he smelled when I held him in my arms and close to my face. The little sniffling breath he would take, just as he got super comfortable.

Will I forget these things? He is no longer here to remind me of them. He didn't let me know that one day I may forget all about those small details I cherished so much. I knew the end of his days would eventually come. I didn’t plan on this happening now. I was in denial thinking that he would just die some other day, and that day would never be September the 12th. He forgot to live his life in a way where his death would be easier on me. To Love deeply is to suffer deeply when death comes to take our loved ones.

The Hardest Times For Me ..

Are mornings, evenings, and weekends, when I used to play or take care of him. I now find myself staring off toward the wall or at the floor, lost in thought. I feel unmotivated. I also feel like the creativity and inspiration I used to know, died along with Pepper. I force myself away from it, pushing those thoughts down and away, so I can carry on with my routine. It was stupid to think it would be easier than this.

I can’t wait until my emotions don’t change at the drop of a hat. Despite being depressed today, I will see my thoughts through and things will get better. I am looking forward to a stronger and brighter tomorrow. The temperatures will be warm and the sun will be plentiful. I am looking forward to tomorrow, when my thoughts will swing the other way.

A Poetic Attempt ..

For today, I decided to just let my (grey) emotions free flow into this poem. I am not a poet, so it may not follow any certain rules (I just don't know them). I really just wanted to write it to get some of the negativity out and make a choice to smile at the end of today. After all, my wife and Molly are looking forward to the smiles and hugs I have waiting for them.

‘Is This Still My Reality?’

My thoughts are late
A bewildering mess
Morning came early today
The night ended badly
Still caught in the grips
On the edge of a dream
Close to mental reality
In the place my friend died
Where he took his last breath
I don’t want to be here
I can’t will myself from here
Morning memories so vivid
There is no clearing my head
The night walks close at heel
She is behind me and still
With its cold hand upon my neck
I kneel to the ground again
There is no warmth on the floor
I lay still and motionless
Trying to turn back time
I am an optimistic dreamer
A pessimistic life I live
I am devout to the moment
Laying here on the floor
Sifting through time past
Gripping my ears so tight
Moving a hand to my chest
Resting my head right here
His heart is stopping now
Slipping away from reality
Running into my dream
I shall awake in time
Is this still my reality?

See.. I already feel better and am even smiling a little. Thank you for hanging in there while I ride out this depression.

Brighter posts to come. I promise.

Thank you for swinging by my blog and checking out the post. Have a great day!

“In a tired time, with the light outside drifting away for another day and the lights inside flickering as they come to life, I cup my hands together and prepare to give thanks ... to the life of a day given to me. A day shared with past and present, living and dying, of body and not, and a realization that in everything that is, there is something that was.”

― R.J. Heller, Holding Grace

All words, pictures and art pieces are the sole property of B D Miller Gallery, unless otherwise noted and credited, and are not to be reproduced or copied without the prior written consent of B D Miller Gallery.

Originally posted to peaked, but shared here for my steemit friends