Horrorscopes, Dark Side of the Signs

We all can't be glitter and Unicorns that shoot out rainbows in Utopia (looks at Aquarius and maybe Pisces on a good day)...so here are the not so pretty traits of each of the Signs. Hopefully you take it with a grain of salt and don't get too rustled (eyes Capricorn, Taurus, Cancer ). So while drinking coffee and having twenty tabs going at once (Gemini, Aries) am going to get down to the Nitty Gritty of the "Wheel"

Aries- Ahhhh yes Aries the Ram, full of ideas and vigor and adventure....that is until you piss them off. Then you can expect what a Ram does best, impatience and noise..LOTS of noise, then after they headbutt enough they cool down while you are still wondering what happened to your Grandma's vase

Taurus- The Bull known for being slow and steady and security minded and also selfish, materialistic and slow to anger but once you hear the hooves digging in you better get ready to become a Bullfighter or better yet...RUN! While they are eating and drinking a very nice vintage wine you might want to get ready to be picked apart or feel like you got steemrolled by Uncle Scrooge

Gemini- The Twins are so witty and cute and Elf like, however could such a charming person possess the strategic ability of Patton while making sure not a single smear of lipstick is apparent. While the nice twin will make you feel like the most special person ever created, the evil twin is either thinking of an escape route or how to make Chocolate ex-lax brownies all while secretly learning Krav Maga

Cancer- Nurturing, Maternal and sweet little Cancer, how could a little Crab do any damage? You don't realize you are being emotionally and quite possibly physically imprisoned by their claws until it's too late. They will tune you out while doing arts and crafts to avoid hearing you trying to escape from their incessant whining and Martyrdom.

Leo- Those larger than life loyal Lions pack a punch if you cross them in any way. Insult their exalted egos, loyalty or intellect and they will go from zero to sixty in one second and make sure not to do too much physical damage to themselves while you stagger away like a bewildered Gazelle that just got jumped while stopping to munch on some grass.

Virgo- Intelligent, Organized and often into the Healing arts, Virgo's love to dispense helpful advice to others out of the kindness of their hearts. Meanwhile while you are planning on how to throw out the Gluten free, taste free Quinoa and Kelp patties they are nit-picking you to the point that you feel like the guy in "Misery" stuck with the oh so helpful Nurse

Libra- Fair, balanced and Humanitarian Libra, lover of beauty and peace and also perpetually on a tight rope balancing those heavy scales. Never underestimate a person who is constantly secretly trying to analyze and judge you while trying not to have a nervous breakdown....you may wind up being left in the dust holding the bill

Scorpio- The bad step-child of the Zodiac who actually is usually rather loyal, chill and observant until you poke them one too many times. At that point you can bet they are silently plotting how to take you down and have the patience of Job all the while testing you for your weak spot in your armor so they can aim that stinger with utter precision.

Sagittarius- Adventure seeker, life of the party and blunt in a fun way Centaur right? While they are eyeing your guy or gal and spewing stories of all their amazing travels and adventures you can bet when the check comes they suddenly need to use the restroom STALL. If you insult one don't be surprised if you get kicked by their hooves....

Capricorn- Socially adept and security minded Goat or.......social climbing, manipulative behind the scenes proverbial Negative Nancy who will curry sympathy with all their sad and Eeyore like ways while stealing your business idea and making sure to kick the ladder out from under you with a smirk

Aquarius- Peace loving, Dreaming and ahead of the curve Aquarius, one who loves the world but can't actually seem to love individuals at times as they are too busy saving someone you don't know all the while preaching love and peace as you are probably getting your arse beat or flipped by a fellow Air sign. Perhaps by spouse number 4 or 5 their Chakras will have aligned enough to actually "feel" versus just reading a bunch of Deepak Chopra books and parroting it back

Pisces- Last but not least the wise Old Souls of the Zodiac or petulant, moody and misunderstood mystics who drown their sorrows in your stash of whatever induces self -medication is around and listening to Tom Waits while totally forgetting that the bills or due or the oven is on or that they were supposed to pick you up from school that day....so non Poetic

So there you have it, the Ugly side of the Horoscope or Horrorscope and while this may either amuse or annoy you realize the author of this is enjoying either outcome depending on what twin is active today.