Intimacy

I realized that, by wanting to move to the other side of the country, I really wanted to run away from my parents. Moving away is not inherently bad, but to move away in order to AVOID something....that's the problem. And I feel at peace with my mom now, at least. And I wouldn't begrudge living at her place for a few months. Which I think really opens up the possibility of freely moving away eventually.

So I came up with a new rule today that I'm going to test out: Engage with the things you are avoiding.

This is scary, to face these kinds of things head-on. It requires courage. But I think these are necessary and worth-while efforts. This is effort in the right direction.

Here is a dark and scary part of my life that I've avoided for quite a while: intimate relationships. When I sat down today to think about what is it that I really, truly want, I landed upon the feeling of intimacy. And I arrived from many different angles. Emotional intimacy is a way to feel connected, or to relate, and know someone else understands my emotions. Physical intimacy is an unavoidable and necessary element of human beings (that's me). Social intimacy allows us to feel part of a greater community.

But romantic intimacy is what I'm really craving. That's where the biggest void is. I want an intimate relationship, and I think that's part of the reason why I was so eager to flee from my parents....because they didn't do it right. I was deeply hurt by their dysfunction.

So here's what I've learned so far. By letting go of past hurt and resentment directed toward my parents, I'm able to forgive them and change myself so that I don't have to repeat their mistakes. I would still love to move to San Diego, absolutely, but it's no longer a pressing issue. I no longer have to prove myself. Like I said, intention matters. And now I don't need $10,000 because I know it will come when I'm ready.

But I am starving for intimacy.