9 Tips to Stop Negative Thoughts

Our negative thoughts can affect our well-being and prevent us from moving forward. Here are 9 ways to stop them.

Unfortunately, we cannot destroy our tape with simple will, nor is there any miracle recipe for doing so. "I think that completely eradicating the negative messages that monopolize our minds is very difficult, even impossible in some cases," believes psychologist Melanie Greenberg. That said, we can manage to no longer let ourselves be controlled by them, and gain in confidence and assurance."

1. Becoming aware of our tape

"This is the first and most difficult thing to do," says Lisa Firestone, psychologist and author of Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice (Paperback, 2002). Because a message that we have been repeating for 20, 30 or 40 years is inscribed in us as a reality. It can therefore be difficult to believe that it is a pattern and not an obviousness." What are the negative messages that are addressed repeatedly? If we are not sure, we pay attention: every time we move from optimism to pessimism, we dwell on what is going on in our head. What are we saying to each other? We write it and the context that led us to say such things. We do the exercise for a few days, even a few weeks, to understand how we work.

1. Take a step back

Once we have identified the messages that make up our tape, we must realize that they are rarely legitimate in the present. "Our tape often has nothing to do with the current situation," says career management coach Monique Soucy. But this situation awakens things in us, and the tape starts." Although she has not yet managed to completely silence her tape "C'est de ma faute", the fact that Catherine is aware of its source has somewhat reduced its burden. "Knowing that, I'm better equipped to reason when my tape leaves," she says.

1. Stick to the facts

"When a negative message starts, you see a stop button and press it," advises Melanie Greenberg. Then, we try to analyze this message in the light of the facts, strictly, by trying to put emotions aside. You think you always miss everything? If we get the facts, we'll find out we're wrong." Often, a tape is made of generalities that are supported only by emotion. If we want to be fair and realistic, we remove the generality ("I ALWAYS make mistakes", "I NEVER measure up, etc.) Already, our message will be a little more realistic: yes, sometimes we miss things, but not always. In this way, the message we say will gradually lose its gravity and impact.

1. Show compassion for yourself

"If you not only repeat that you suck, you immediately feel guilty for not being more positive or above that, you won't get out," says Lisa Firestone. You must be understanding and compassionate to yourself." That doesn't mean we don't want to break our tape or feel sorry for ourselves. Compassion helps me to move on: it's normal for me to say such and such because this and that, I don't blame myself for that... Recognizing and legitimizing what we live is essential to move on to something else.

1. Taking action

"If we listen to our tape, we feel a relief on the spot, because we stay in our comfort zone, says Monique Soucy. If you go over it, it's often scary at first, but much more rewarding in the long run." For to repeat oneself in front of a mirror that one is formidable will not be enough to silence the little negative voice that whispers in us. We have to accumulate enough experience to really feel that we are, indeed, rather formidable! "When I was younger, I was very shy, and every time the spotlight was on me, I thought I was going to be ridiculous," says Lisa Firestone. Then one day, a friend told me that I should give lectures and give workshops, because he was convinced that I would be good. Even though it was scary at first, I dove in. And I did it. If we want to move forward in life, we must challenge ourselves."

1. Believing in our ability to "well" fail

"It may be that, even if we manage to ignore our tape, there are undesirable consequences - a failure, a refusal, a break-up -, says Monique Soucy. But we must trust each other and be confident that we are well equipped to deal with them." We must consider the experience we have just lived as a step in our evolution and learn a lesson from it. "We could even make a list of the worst things that could happen if we went over the negative things we say to each other. This will undoubtedly help us to de-dramatize and realize that, whatever happens, we will be able to get up again," the specialist suggests.

1. Refusing to be intimidated

For Melanie Greenberg, this little voice that assails us with harmful words is like a bully in front of whom we must stand. "Seeing things that way, it puts a little distance between that little voice and us, and it gives us more control. When that little voice goes off, you can say, as you would say to a bully: enough! Stop talking to me like that, stop intimidating me. You're just saying that to hurt me and I don't want to hear from you anymore!"

1. Cleaning up our relationships

"I had a few friends who agreed every time my tape left," says Marie-Ève, 34. My tape was telling myself I was ugly. They'd say things like, "I'm sure beautiful girls don't have your qualities!" Let's just say it didn't really help me. I gradually moved away from them. It helped me." The people around us have a significant influence. "That's why it's important to think about how they do it and, if necessary, move away from it," advises Monique Soucy.

1. Asking for help

"In some cases, the negative messages that we repeat can be deeply embedded in us and very devastating, especially if they arise frequently," says Greenberg. It can go as far as depression or even suicidal thoughts. In such cases, we do not hesitate and we seek help."

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