What It Feels Like Having A Porn Addiction As A Woman PT.1
What It Feels Like Having A Porn Addiction As A Woman PT.1
I was about 8 or 9 when I stumbled upon porn. Im 23 now almost 24.. I didn't fully get into porn until I had my own laptop and was able to look at it alone by myself where no one else could find me. As I recall though, those days when I was around 8, I was looking up Brittney Spears photos and for some reason it took me to a pop up video of a naked woman and man going at it.
My first thought was "Uhoh, I don't think I'm supposed to be on this site" BUT my first FEELING was a tingling sensation. Why did it feel so good if somewhere in the back of my mind, I was hearing the thoughts "CLOSE THIS TAB NOW!"
I remember my mom coming home and there were a bunch of viruses on her computer, ( lets remember now, this was when Lime Wire was out and I think I had looked it up on there HAHA) and she asked me what I searched up. She saw all the nude photos and gif videos all popped up on her screen, as I just sit there next to her as she closes out of each of them...one by one, and she's thinking she's going to need to get a new computer.
This was definitely the peak of my imagination and starting to rummage down the rabbit hole of seeing the things I wasn't supposed to be seeing. I remember one of my first thoughts about sex at that time period being "Wow, that was a really huge penis, I don't know how I am ever going to fit that inside of me." I'm 8 at this time period so it was very interesting for me to have these thoughts, I was very curious, as are all little kids, but sex and porn became something that I wanted to learn so much about. Little did I know, I would still be trying to understand why I have the weird fetishes I do, and why I like certain types of sex up until NOW.
Then when I got my first computer, it was one of the first things I went to ever on the internet, I didn't even know there was a specific category for this called "porn" because still I'm so young, I just search "penis inside vagina." And what do you know, IT GOT ME THERE! I was so happy, but I was also sneaky, this is how I knew something wasn't okay with this situation I was doing.
I went to lock the door, I got under my sheets and I was scared that someone would walk in on me. The funny thing is, I wasn't even touching myself. I didn't even know that was part of the plan! I didn't know there were further steps to this process of me watching it until one day, I was very wet and I couldn't control it, I just decided to reach my hand down there and feel what was going on. "Wow" is all I remember thinking. It felt so good to touch myself down there, in a place that I thought was forbidden.. Why would something like this be so forbidden and left for me to discover myself? Why does nobody talk about this? Do other people know about this too!?
I had so many questions, but I was scared to speak up, so I didn't. I kept it to myself for like 6 more years, did it alone all the time. And btw I hadn't even had an orgasm from myself yet, I remember thinking a few times I was so wet, that I thought I peed myself so I would stop and then one day I was 16 years old laying in my bed as usual and I just didn't stop whatever this feeling was. It was wayyyyy too good for me to stop although it was so fucking intense as well. It was my first O and man was that the greatest sensation I had ever felt in my life.
Now heres where I realized I had an addiction. Everyday after school, the first thing I would want to do is touch myself Grab the computer, lets get a video on and let me burst please. I was looking forward to it all day. Then I remember I wanted to stop. I tried stopping, I told myself I could stop. I said "Brie, you can do it. You don't need porn." But I came home again from school and got off to porn. This time though, I was disgusted with myself. Was I disgusted with myself because I told myself I could stop and I didn't, or was I disgusted with myself because I realized I was getting off to these animalistic beings that were torturing each other in ways that I knew was probably a little unhealthy? I'm not exactly sure, I might have been creating stories inside my head, but ever since this moment, I have gotten mad at myself after porn when I try to stop. Because I don't want to. I like it too much. Why must I stop if it feels good?
You know why you should stop Brie? Because your sex life sucks now lol. Actually my sex life has always been pretty good, not always necessarily the people, but I was pretty wild in bed. Why do you ask? OH well because porn showed me how I am supposed to be in the bedroom. Is this what guys like? Well shit then I'll give that to them. It got to the point where I literally didn't even give a fuck at all what happened during sex as long as I got the guy off. Thats what I learned, you're supposed to get the guy off...right? No.
Anyways, the guys would try to get me to have an orgasm and I would just stop them because I knew not one of those men were going to be able to get me to orgasm the way I got myself to orgasm, so I closed off to even receiving from them. I thought I was the best in the world and I never wanted anyone in that space of mine. That is way too sacred for someone to witness. That is one of my most vulnerable places, and I wasn't ready to allow another guy to see me in that place. But it got to the next phase where I actually wanted to get off with a guy, and I couldn't. Maybe it was because I was young or still am young, but at the same time I knew it was the porn. I had been watching so much of it, that regular sex wasn't doing it for me anymore. Why do I need sex, when I have PORN!
Again, it happened.."I NEED TO STOP. THIS IS RUINING MY SEX LIFE. I DON'T EVEN ENJOY IT ANYMORE" I would tell myself. So I stopped. I was able to, I was 30 days in, the longest I have gone since I got my computer. And on that 30th day, I was like "Yay Me, I did it, We went 1 Month, We should celebrate!" Well Brie, how do you want to celebrate? "Uhh, we can watch porn for just tonight and I won't do it again tomorrow!" Perfect, lets do it, but you must promise we won't do it again tomorrow." I promise!
Lol, well that turned out to be a failed promise because as soon as I "relapsed" I fell deep and went on a Porncation. Now this has been something that I have been observing and doing for years on end. I tell myself, I'm done and then I go back. I know I can easily quit, its just a choice and a decision as I stated in one of my other post, but I'm not ready. I see what its doing to me, and I see that I have easily turned away guys because I like porn. While at the same time, I don't like porn, I love connection and diving deep with another person and having them all over my body, taking me in and exploring every part of me, sinking their eyes deep into my soul and letting us both blast off to another galaxy.
Am I scared I ask myself.. Yes I am because I know as soon as I let go of porn, I will be exploring something even deeper, a real human connection that feels way better than porn could ever give me. And thats the thing, every time I have given up porn, and masturbated myself with just my imagination, IT FEELS SO FUCKING GOOD. Way better than porn ever made me feel. Porn was like.. Okay you're done, close the computer, I don't need you anymore. Playing with myself and my imagination was like Heaven, keep touching me, feel my body, bask in what just happened and just lay there suspended in this feeling forever but I continued to go back because it took me longer to get off to myself than it did with porn, because well my brain was programmed to it.
I was 22 at the time when I finally went 45 consecutive days, no porn and I was on top of the world. I hadn't been giving my energy out to all these stupid videos, and I was keeping my sacred fluids for myself! I wanted to give that energy to someone else now, but I had gone 8 months without sex, and then what happened.. I had sex and man it was GREAT, but did I get off no. So I was like "well he didn't get me off, so I need to go watch porn to do that for me." and I know it wasn't his fault, he did a great fucking job, it was my desensitized pussy that I created from rubbing my clit so hard....
There is a lot more to this story and I am not at all finished, but I know this is a lot to take in right now, so I will write the rest later in another post!
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Interesting, I think you started a bit too young. I watch porn and have watched a lot in my life.
I also shoot a lot of nudes and erotic in my art/work. There have been periods I have watched porn every day and if not for the sexual release it gave me I don't know if I would have made it through those periods in my life.
But I never have felt I was addicted. I could always walk away (like I rarely watch it now) and the only time my sex life had suffered was when I didn't have a partner and I was celibate for an extended period of time or I have a partner that we just don't click sexually (I have had one of those before, but I loved her) now I rarely watch porn because it does not satisfy me because in sex I'm giving a woman pleasure and in porn I'm just watching. I enjoyed porn more before I had a Ex-gf I fell in love with go into the adult industry. Ironically I have thought going into it myself because I love sex that much, but I also love the connection which is often not present in porn. The only porn I really enjoy is the kind where you can see a real attraction and connection betteen the people.
Porn get's a bad rap but really it provides a sexual outlet for people, when they don't have one, can get one. There are times in life when you need a sexual outlet for your health and sanity, but you are unable or not wanting a partner. This is more so for men than women. Any semi-attractive woman can find a partner, that's not the case for 90% of the male population (speaking as a former dating coach)
The worst thing about porn is the judgements people place on it and those that do it. The porn itself is not that bad.
If you try to resist it, judge it, label it you'll have a much harder time than if you just watch it when you feel like you want to, not judge it, but also realize it's not a replacement for real sex and a real connection with someone. And you desire to please a man is not a bad thing, it's much better than women that don't have that desire.
Almost every GF I have had watch porn and enjoyed it. Sometimes with me, and some times alone. But I don't need porn to get turned on, I just need the right partner.
When I watch porn I want to get into the industry, just as when I watch a DJ or Rock Band I want to be on Stage Doing it. I don't feel that way about everything but those things I do.
Also using a vibrator or toys to much can desensitize you and make you unable to have an orgasm with a man as you condition yourself to only orgasm by that kind of very intense stimulation. But there are also women that have awakened to Orgasm by using toys and now are able to Orgasm with men.
It's also possible the men you have been with suck in bed as that's very common as too many men learn to have sex from porn and their are only a couple of guys in porn that are any good in bed and most porn teaches bad habits. This is one reason I have considered getting in the industry to teach good habits just like I did in my books.
PS: I use to write and sell books on sexual performance and technique for men and a book for both men and women on G-spot Orgasms and female ejaculation.
WOW thank you for this long comment! So beautifully written as well. Yes the connection isn't always present in porn, but at times you can see it. The eye contact is what always gets me in porn videos, because its as if I am sensing that deep, long connection they are going through at those moments. While at the same time, there are moments where no eye connection is made, its all only body connection and really there can be an off balance in the body connection that is happening.
Thats awesome you have never felt addicted. I know I can go days without porn, but at the same time, those same days I end up watching it. So Im not sure if its an addiction. Maybe Im just telling myself that. And YES I am telling myself that obviously. What if I didn't tell myself it was an addiction would I even be mad I was doing it? Its not that I'm mad, because I love touching myself. I loooove masturbation. Thats not what I think is the issue, its the porn that I watch where I want to bring that into the bedroom realizing that Yea I can take it there with men and it will be hot, but I notice the connection isn't as strong when its in those fast drawn out movements.
Ive never enjoyed toys for the simple fact that its not natural haha, I only want natural things, like my fingers or a dick near my pussy. Honestly condoms I don't even think are safe. Media just projects them to be. Skin to Skin touch is one of the highest levels of communication and sexual attraction down there possible to me, and when you put something unnatural inside of you like that, it disrupts the connection.
I would love to read your books! Where can I find?!
You just have to find someone that is sexually adventurous as you are and that want to have passionate or wild sex but with a connection as well.
Regarding Condoms. You can get polyurethane which will not have the same issues as latex. I doubt they will cause any problems for any. It's better than putting yourself at risk for Pregnancy than an STD. If you use birthcontrol and know the health status of your partner and see the test or know they are telling the truth then there is no need for them.
My books are not sold anymore but I might revise and republish or my maybe do a post with the older versions after I get a larger audience built up. I have not decided yet what I'm going to do because I'm so busy and focused with my art.
But I'd suggest you not label yourself as an addict. Are you addicted to eating or brushing your teeth? If it's not doing you any harm and you still want a connection and not just porn and don't see it as a replacement for or obstacle to a relationship I don't think it's harmful, honestly. It's only harmful if it's actually harming you in some way. You have to be the judge of that.
OMG yes that first line, this is very true, someone who is experimental and wants to dive down a lot of different routes.
I also think birth control is messing up a lot of women reproductive systems. I don't think it helps the woman body at all so I stopped taking that like 6 years ago. I do find condoms safer - while at the same time, skin to skin touch has always been my go to.
I would love to read your books whenever you post them to the site! Keep me updated :)
I mentioned you sort of in my next post - https://steemit.com/porn/@awakealiveaware/what-it-feels-like-having-a-porn-addiction-as-a-woman-pt-2 :)
Wow, the whole time I was reading this I was impressed by all the introspection you included in your post -- guilt, wonder, disgust, joy, fear. Maybe it's different for a man, but as a woman I'm constantly aware not only of what I do, but the way I feel about my actions. It's truly a gift, but it can also cause emotional distress. I think this is a big reason, besides societal pressure, why women generally don't masturbate or watch porn as often as men.
ahhh I love that you brought up all the different emotions that happened through this writing, thats something I wanted to convey is I am human and I felt it all. Yes like you said Feeling about your actions, its a heavy thing. Do ou think women don't masturbate as much? or do you think we just don't talk about it as much?
It could be a bit of both. I personally don't masturbate for multiple reasons, one of the main ones being I enjoy feeling the sexual frustration build and build until I actually engage in partnered sex. But the problem with all the studies I've seen on male/female masturbation rates is that they rely on self-reporting. Women might low-ball their estimates because they don't want to be judged by researchers. They might also not qualify their masturbation as such because they don't always reach orgasm when they do it.
Said studies:
Wow I love that you stated that - Ive tried that a few times too letting the energy build up before I release with an actual partner. and that feels so good as well!
https://steemit.com/porn/@awakealiveaware/what-it-feels-like-having-a-porn-addiction-as-a-woman-pt-2 :) Heres my part 2 if you want to read
@awakealiveaware Wow Goddess this was powerful! I swear you are soul family lol!
When I was in 5th grade I think I watched porn for the first time and then I b
became OBSESSED with Pleasing and touching myself.
One day my mom walked in on me and saw me and she was like
"Your husband is never gonna be able to make you feel good because your gonna need it done how your doing it!"
and she stormed off super pist!
There was always this taboo around sex and religion in the family.
I realized that there have been others that have been able to do it just as good
but very rarely and I have learned how to enjoy pleasuring myself without finally feeling bad about it.
Sex is a beautiful thing and feeling bad and sex should never been in the same sentence!
;)
Its very interesting how sex and religion become the god forbidden thing in terms of sexual connection. Like those two things are the biggest things in a way that either help our sexuality or damage it. So many people are so stuck in their religion and can't have sex because they think they are breaking a commandment, and then once they do have sex sometimes they even feel shame or guilt from it, and I have had many women come to me about that exact scenario and its so sad. Im glad I wasn't raised in that but I know it must be hard to be conditioned with that.
So glad you have found ways to pleasure yourself without feeling bad! Sex is soon beautiful and feeling bad and sex should not ever be in the same sentence, you are correct haha! loooove you! SO happy you're on here@
mwahhh! ;)
https://steemit.com/porn/@awakealiveaware/what-it-feels-like-having-a-porn-addiction-as-a-woman-pt-2 :)
I cannot believe this post hasn't made more. You are one talented lady. You aren't alone in this - but you give a voice to the women who don't speak up.
Imagine if a guy wrote this - what the comments section would look like :-P
You're going to be a star on here!
haha thank you love, Im just happy to get it out, whether it makes money or not. It feels so good to just release this side of me and be open about it :) I would love to see the guys section of this as well haha! Thanks for reading <3
Meh - we see the guy's side of the story every day. But you're busting out of the cultural corset that's bound women since....forever. And with your real name and pictures - that's real freedom.
Meanwhile, I'm self censoring and carefully constructing my digital double...the only way I'd have the guts to write so freely on these topics would be to create a truly anonymous account, so my admiration of what you're doing runs deep.
You're going to be the female Savage Love of Steemit. Fkc that. You're gonna create a new paradigm :-)
I do not think I've ever read something on the topic of women and porn written so eloquently and raw. Girl you are an artist. Whatever our journey is into sexual discovery, is our journey. Yes, it's choice and experience. As you stated in your other post, it's so important to be gentle with ourselves as we reprogram. I'm constantly reprogramming and going back in time to give love to that little girl inside me who chose to explore in unaccepted ways. I love BEING where I am within myself and just loving that. And, I love that you just put this out there. Fuck YES! more to come!
Aweeee Thank you babe! You're awesome, Im glad you enjoyed it. Definitely about being gently which is something I tell myself everyday especially with this. I think it would be awesome to hear more from women about this, because I honestly don't think I have ever met another woman openly speak about it. Which kinda sucks but thats okay! haha its cool to explore those parts of us that weren't accepted back then and at the same time love the old version of us that didn't think we could. Thank you for your awesomeness <3
wow!!! after reading your post,my dick get hard.i think i m also porn addicted.me too loving skin to skin contact sex.everyday before sleeping i watch porns.
You might be touching ( no pun intended:) upon The Shadow of Tantrism and human sexual energy. A repressed culture would turn to such device...A culture premised on unnecessary coercion and exploitation might be prone to this, too; that is to say that many might not choose to work in porn if there were better alternatives in their financial lives...
I do think porn COULD be healthy but unnecessary coercion and exploitation would have to be taken out of the equation...
Ahhhh yes Tantra is one of my favorite things ever. Thats actually what made me want to get away from porn, because I wanted to have a deeper connection with a male to be able to connect with him in a way that you two become one in a union of love together. I as well think porn could be healthy if it was more in a conscious way that it was shared
Me too! Tantra is sort of my addiction. But, the thing is, I don't look at it as an addiction in the way we think about it in our society. It's just where I can manifest more deeply, feel the best, recharge etc. And, I think its possible t have tantric like experiences by yourself, and make love to yourself so to speak. what if porn was tantric? I mean what if the videos were honoring the god and goddess within? And, in a slightly different context, the animalistic parts of porn could be brought through in balance. perhaps its a balance thing.. i'm thinking out loud. We certainly do not need to have a partner to have sexual pleasure or feel whole. But, thee is something so magical when souls and bodies unite.
yessss I think I have tantric experiences with myself over anyone else at the moment buttttt I know that synching in unison with another person is where the universe meets and creates magic. This is what I know I will come to some day with someone special. And wow I love that you talked about the animalistic porn, because for me I love that side of it, I like being the soft person but then also the rough person, I love the balance of it!
It would have to be produced in an ethical manner first, then people with highly developed moral lines of intelligence could, possibly, share this media in a healthy way. See Kohlberg for studies on moral intelligence:)
As far as I can tell, honest Tantra may be one of the ways out of this Matrix......
ooo i like that last thought of yours- what do you think - we disappear because of how deep the sex is haha?
And God took Enoch and Elize? lol
A serious attempt at a reply but complete metaphysical speculation: the human body is an antenna ( spinal chord with 33 sections), it functions via subtle electric waves, if the conditions are right then occasionally these energies can interact with the body and cause dimensional shifts.....
There are those on this planet who KNOW this is true and have done everything possible to prevent it from happening!
Woo-woo and conspiracy?
i thing i just has a mindgasm from reading that lol.. i believe it i true as well
here is my Part 2 if you want to check it out :) https://steemit.com/porn/@awakealiveaware/what-it-feels-like-having-a-porn-addiction-as-a-woman-pt-2
yes
part 2 https://steemit.com/porn/@awakealiveaware/what-it-feels-like-having-a-porn-addiction-as-a-woman-pt-2 :)
I'm loving the raw honesty. I think your pretty brave opening up this side of yourself to your followers. I look forward to the next parts of this story.
hahah thats what my AwakeAliveAware is all about - bringing light to all the taboos and mysterious things in the world that most people don't talk about. Thank you - Im excited to get it out for you to read as well :) Thanks for reading!!
really good read! i was sexually aware at a very young age as well...didnt get to SEE Much porn as a kid tho...mebbe thats y im in it now? XD
hahah maybe! porn is definitely an interesting topic, i think more people should open up about
Bravo. You're brave for this.
Thanks appreciate you reading!